To Forget - Chapter 2

The White Room


The white room was Ed's crazy idea. When he was young, he promised himself to make him a room, just a simple room where he would store the music CDs he bought, his books, magazines, diaries, photo albums, memorabilia, medals, achievements and so on. He would just make it a really simple room. Perhaps rectangular in shape, enough to store a few shelves and cupboards.

Ed knew that he's one, very, sentimental person. Somehow, he realised this when he was about 16 years old. He began collecting his memorabilia from his school days, and he knew deep in his heart that he will carry this to the future. He wanted to grow old with them. Many people found the idea crazy. A waste of space, a waste of time. But to Ed, this was something really meaningful for him.

As much as he loved research, Ed was also an artistic person. He loves photography, and he loves music. And also, he loves writing. His favourite subject during his school days would be English, to be exact, composition. He enjoyed writing essays, especially those essays with only one word as the given title. Even though he was then 85, Ed was still blogging in his blog, which he started 69 years ago. Some writers had visited him, interviewing him as one of the world's oldest and continuous blogger.

Writing calms him down. He felt blissful, peaceful and in joy whenever he writes. He could remember those days where he would just put on his headphones and started blogging on his laptop. After about 2 years of blogging, Ed decided to return back to paper and pen. He started to write diaries. His diaries were filled with deeper and more secretive thoughts of him. And yes, he was still writing at the age of 85.

When you step inside the white room, you would be first welcomed by the wall filled with hundreds of photos. Some framed up nicely and simply in black frames, other were just hung on a string with a wooden peg. When you look at the wall, it felt happy and calm somehow. The wall is showing Ed's love for photography and art. He painstakingly took each and every photo with his cameras. Whenever he had a guest to his house, the wall was the proudest thing he would show to them.

And when the guests would leave, Ed would insist of allowing his guest to take at least one photo for them to keep. Ed would then print a different photo to replace the given photos.

The wall would be on your right. When you walk forward, you will see 5 white shelves neatly and strongly lined up. The first one contained Ed's proud collection of music CDs. From classical to pop, instrumental to pop-rock, everything is there. Ed was a music lover. He felt that there's no point in living if there's no music in this world.

The second shelf contained Ed's photo albums, neatly arranged according to the timeline of events. Everyday, Ed would randomly pick one album where he would just look through the photos again. Sometimes, the album will be wet with tears dropping from his eyes. Sometimes, the album would be left open on his lap as he fell asleep on the couch.

The third shelf contained Ed's diaries, journals, travel journals and books. There would be days where Ed would just simply pick one and read all of these books again. He was really proud of himself as he felt that he had written so many books. Even though they were left unpublished. This shelf has a glass drawer. It was locked, and only Ed had the key to this third shelf. He felt some memories are better for him, only, to see, and relive. Sometimes he would take one and let his children read. But he would never let anyone touch the key.

The fourth shelf contained Ed's memorabilia, From postcards to magnet, notebooks to birthday wishes. Everything was there and Ed proudly kept each and every one of these memorabilia in this shelf. He called it the happiest shelf. Because in this shelf, only happy memories remain. No sad memories.

The last shelf was not fully filled. It was just filled with the thing Ed loves to collect, and was still collecting. There were mugs, notebooks, cups and many other exotic things. Some were bought when he travelled overseas. Some were from his past.

Then Ed muttered something

"The last shelf, would be for my children to put whatever they want, which would remind them of me, when I'm gone. That sounds like a plan"

You're a hundred post old

Wanted to write the second chapter to my latest story. But oh well, thankfully I didn't miss this 100th post! :) 

Thank you, La Storia, for being a platform where I can express my happiness, sadness, creativity, heart, mind and life. Where I can talk to someone when I don't want to talk to anyone else. You're always there when no one is beside me. When I'm alone in the middle of a crowd.

Lets write more stories! Make life, the story I'll always read! :)

Yours Truly

Your writer

To Forget - Chapter 1

Ed was sitting on his usual comfy sofa. It's black in colour, lined with leather. He always sit here everyday, for the past 6 months or so. It is located in his white room. Just a small room, 4 by 6 metres, painted in pure white except for one wall, facing the east, which is painted black. In this room, 5 shelves are located. Each shelve containing CDs, books, photo albums, papers, prints, and more things.

This room, is his memory.

It has been six months since Ed heard his worst nightmare. It was as if he heard his death sentence. Ed is suffering from cancer, and he only had 6 months more, approximately, to live. It was a cloudy Friday afternoon when Ed heard the news, accompanied by his son and daughter in law. His little grandson was there too, lucky for him, he was still a baby and thus he didn't hear it. Ed would be hurt if his grandson would hear the news.

Ed was a 85 year old man. He was a retired researcher, musician and part-time photographer. He worked in a research laboratory, and had published quite a few research journals. Some of them were so acclaimed, they were sent to international publications for further research. Many of his students called him "Father Ed". He was kind, passionate and bright to his students. Many researchers were really fond of him. Because he's not only good in the field of science, but he was also a musician.

Ed was also the conductor of a symphonic band in his hometown. It was a crazy idea of him to form a symphonic band in his small hometown. It started with 23, and now the band has grown into a 100-member band who is known in the global level. His band was so huge, that it had to be split into two bands - junior and main band. But when Ed was 60, he decided to give his position to his student conductor, who now continues Ed's legacy, bringing the band into greater heights.

His house is filled with photographs. In his room alone, there is a wall which is filled with hundreds of photo frames, neatly arranged. Ed took all of those photos, since he was 18 years old. It was when he owned his first camera. And from there, the passion just grew and some of his works were published in magazines worldwide. He even won several international competitions. But his true passion did not lie on these awards. He just love photography, and he totally didn't expect any of these awards to come to him.

At times, Ed loves cooking with his family. He was a good cook, and everyone loved his food. In the warmth of his house, he would cook with his son and wife. Had dinner together and everyone was enjoying his meal. As he cooked, his house would be filled with the smell of good food. He would whistle when he cook, or even when he was preparing the ingredients. He had been cooking since he was young. He even kept the recipe books his friends gave him when he was still in secondary school.

"So what should we listen to today?" Ed asked himself, cupping his chin.

Ed stood up from his sofa and took a piece of tissue from the tissue box on the table beside him. He then walked slowly towards the third shelve in his white room and took a music CD from the second compartment from the top. The music CD reads "Jonsi - Go". He used the tissue paper and wiped the CD paper cover repeatedly. He crushed the tissue paper on his hand, and with skills, he tried to throw it into a dustbin a few metres away from him, on the corner of the room, and it went in. Ed grinned shyly.

He walked towards a table in the room, where a stylish and modern music player was placed. White in colour, with a stylish and contemporary design, it was a gift from his son for his 80th birthday. His son knows how much his dad loves music, and how much his dad loves listening to good music. Ed switched on the player and placed the CD into the player. And the music started playing.

Go sing too loud, make your voice break, sing it out!
Go scream do shout, make an earthquake....
You wish fire, would die and turn colder
You wish your love, could see you grow older...
We should always, know that we can do anything


The song is Go Do by Jonsi. His favourite song since he discovered it 67 years ago when he was 18. He remembered how he treated this song as "instant endorphins", where he could just feel happy listening to this song whenever he's sad. The room was then filled with drum beats and the melancholic voice of Jonsi. Ed put his hands up, pointed his finger and started dancing along to the beat.

To Ed, this was his happiest moment everyday.

And life goes on

These days, I just feel like posting short writings on my blog. But then, thanks to my OCD, I don't think that's possible. So alright, I'll just write it here instead of my daily blog.

As we grow older, we tend to realise how life gets tougher. As much as we all hate it, how a simple math sum of 1 + 1 would turn x + y, how plants make food with light, CO2 and water turn to make C6H12O6 with CO2 and light via a chemical reaction forming water and oxygen with the help of chlorophyll in chloroplasts which then involved the carbon cycle and life cycle and food chain and this and that.

I was reading a medical journal just now. I was dreading it. Because somehow I just couldn't understand some parts of it, and some of the lingo out there are just so "question mark" to me. Well I guess it's life of a science student. To be specific, a research student. We have no choice but to do our own research etc. I mean we're humans after all. We have to keep on searching for the answer.

As I tell myself, life is all about asking, and answering. So keep asking, and keep answering!

Going back, well yes I couldn't understand some parts. Then I told myself, how much I wish I could go back to my secondary 4 days where I would just need to read a comprehension passage, answer a few questions, which most answers are found on the text itself (and little requires you to dig out the passage or think outside the box). No research done, just infer.

Well yes, coming back again, as we grow older, so do life gets tougher. I guess I can say life is like a Gaussian curve. ___/\___ something like that. When we grow older, and when we retire, I guess life goes back to the state when we're young and small, enjoying our lives, doing what we do best.

But of course, as life gets tougher, so do our mind, body and heart grow stronger. If these three things don't grow following the intensity of life, I guess... We'll just suffer in all aspects.

So the next time I feel that life is tough. I'll have to make myself tough as well :)

Sentimentalism

I was just sorting out some photos my friends took during our Inner Mongolia OCIP trip. It was... Really tough. Not the sorting out, but fighting the waves of memories that rushed through me.

As I've told previously, I'm a very sentimental. An object, a song, a food, a sight, a smell can trigger my memory and make me feel sentimental in a snap of a finger. It's been about two months since my trip, and I still feel sort of sentimental at times whenever I look at my photos again. Or when I listen to songs I used to listen to when I was there. It can be really tough fighting how sentimental I can be.

Now I really wish I could be back in Duolun once more. Just take me there, and make me happy.

I don't know how to love

I've never, loved. I mean love a girl. Well I did, but it wasn't working out. They happened when we're all young and foolish, and the love I gave was true, while the love she gave wasn't. Long story, but to cut it short, we're just young and foolish. And I don't mind. She clarified it with me why, and she talked to me. And now we're best friends for like 6 years? So we're all good.

I don't know how to love.

I've got to be honest, yes, I like this girl now. We've been spending quite some time together doing things. And thanks to these time spent, we've talked and somehow, my feelings for her just grow. We went to an overseas trip together and that's another thing that makes my heart grown fonder. Not sure if it's the cancer thing, or me, but it's just, it's kind of hard for me to express my love.

I don't know how to love.

To put it frankly, I think I'm in the stage between like and love. These two words carry two different meaning. Love is a stronger, and a more emotionally involved word. I can like a person, but to say I love her, it's just a total different feel. Not sure about you, but I think we should all be going through this stage where we're unsure about love. We're all growing up. It's all part of us.

I don't know how to love.

And to put it frankly as well. I guess it's hard for me to express my love to someone (yes including to my parents, siblings and friends). And what made it worst is I'm not some romantic guy who can think of brilliant ideas to win a girl's heart. Love is such an amazing and at the same time, a confusing thing. And sometimes I do think, that she's someone like me too. You know.

I don't know how to love.

I might be a loser when it comes to love. But when I love I truly love. And it's really out of my league to wish for someone to feel hurt. I guess that's why I'm a loser in love. I don't dare to take the step, cause I'm afraid my girl will be hurt. And what made it worst is that I'm surrounded by such cases of people stopping their love life and then find another. It's appropriate to them. But it sounds scary to me.

As much as I don't know how to love.

I will and I love. And hope one day you'll love me too.

-No worries we're not on the verge of breaking up-

Uncertainties

Something is bothering me, well for the past few days. At times I would simply forget it. At times I would continue to think about it. And of course it's more of the latter. Sometimes life's hard. It gives you a question, and you can't answer. You ask your heart, and you mind would give another answer. You ask your mind, and your heart gives another. I came up with this.

When life asks a question, your heart would usually give the answer. When life asks a question to your mind, the heart would usually give a better answer. But then comes reality who would just give you an answer no matter you like it or not.


I guess that's what I'm experiencing now.

Sometimes I guess we come across this point in our lives where we feel, we -feel- , that we have made a totally wrong choice in life. Sometimes not totally, just wrong choice in life. And then we feel kinda lost. We feel that "oh crap we've made a wrong choice what should I do?" feeling.

I'm worst, I don't know if I make the wrong choice. That sucks.

I've always taken life as a journey. A road leading to nowhere waiting for us to discover and to see. And like roads in your town, there are different kinds of roads. There's straight road, a winding road, a bumpy road and the famous forked road. Or intersection. Then we have to choose where we go. If we go to the left will I regret not going to the right? And vice versa. But what's worst is, if I don't go anywhere, I'll regret both.

Life is all about making choices. When we've made a choice, and, if it turned out that we're not making the right one, we can have two things to do. One is to just continue doing it, till we find the right path that we should belong to. Or two, we can just stop there. But remember that life doesn't turn back. And if you don't move forward, you won't move anywhere. How sucky it is.

So well. I guess all I have to do is to just continue whatever I'm doing. It's not that I feel that I've made a TOTALLY wrong choice. I just felt unsure. And lost. And confused.

If I do make the wrong choice, what will happen. If I make the right choice, what will happen. But I guess as I said, sometimes reality would just slam at your door leaving you in a room whether you like it or not.

Am I really being selfish if I were to go for that, knowing that -that- may not be what I'm doing in the future?

I don't know. And somehow I wouldn't want to know the answer. 

Music?

I've been in a dilemna for the past few weeks. As you all know, I'm a member of the band of my school. A symphonic band. I've been in a band for the past 6 years, playing the clarinet and the flute (for only 1.5 years though). Of course, I enjoy music making, and that's the reason why I joined band. I've been wanting to join a musical ensemble since I'm in primary school.

I wanted to join the Chinese orchestra. But sadly my secondary school doesn't have it. But to me, the band is fine. And I joined the band in the end. Life as a musician is really nice. In my secondary school, my band was pretty small. We're only a 34 member band. Yes, we might not sound as good as the others but somehow, it's our small size that brought us closer to one another.

Band was something I really enjoyed doing. Something that I kinda look forward to every week, even though it's pretty tiring at times. When others can go home after school, we have to stay back from 3-6 for band twice a week. We have our homework and tests and assignments. But we still go to band.

To me, making music is one of life's most joyous things to do. I myself, love to make music. I love to play the piano, sing, play the clarinet, and the flute. Inclusive of the random beatings I like to do on my table or some random objects. Music is a part of my life. And when it's missing, I seriously can't live without it! This is not some statement. Is a fact.

That's why I think it's a lie for someone to say that they can live without music. Cause in one way or another, we all need music in our lives.

Then now comes the problem.

As much as I love music, there are also other things I have to juggle with - studies. Yes, music is a part of my life. But I can't really say that it's MY life. I still have other priorities in life, and one of them is studies. With the new semester, a new way of teaching is being implemented to us. This new method involves many presentations, research and reports. With my band happening twice a week. I really question myself whether I can juggle both properly.

I was kind of "suffering" last semester. It's either me, or well, things just happen at the wrong timing. I was having a concert 10 days before my exams. And I was really. I mean really, I think that was the most stressful moment of my poly life. It's so tough to juggle practices and studies. And what made it worst was the fact that I was having tests around that period.

Then I began to question if I'll be able to juggle this semester well. With the fact that this concert will be an even major one, a bigger one, can I handle it? And with tougher pieces, with the sectional competitions and more pieces, they mean more practices, more sectionals. And with more sectionals and more presentations. I really don't think they're of a good mix.

Sure, I can always try. I always tell myself till you never try then you'll never know. But I really don't want to disappoint my band friends. Especially my section leader. I don't want to drop out halfway. To just simply not play for the concert in the middle of the practices. And yet at the same time, I don't want to just give up now. I'm in one freaking dilemna.

Sigh, and there's one more thing.

Somehow, I feel that band is no longer something I look forward to every week. I'm not sure why, I'm not sure how, I'm not sure what. I'm not sure it's the people, or it's just me. After that trip, I feel really weird and empty about band. It feels like I'm surrounded with people and at the same time I'm being invisible there. I've many stories and cases. Sometimes I don't know what to do. 


Then I also wonder, is it possible to actually lose your passion in band, but not losing your passion for music? Cause that's what I'm feeling right now. I'm losing the passion for band. But I know that I will never lose my passion for music.


Sigh, such a hard decision to make. I don't know.

Please tell me it's the Sunday's blues

It's... Monday now. Well, Sunday night. I guess it's in everyone of us that we have this sentiment of hating Sunday nights. I guess it's all due to the fact that Monday is here tomorrow and that another week is starting soon. And we all have to back to work after a weekend of rest. And a weekend of fun. But as I said, life has to move on. C'est la vie!

But sometimes I still find it hard. Oh well.

Sometimes there are those moments, that I've always described as "empty" moments. I feel empty, I feel nothing, I think nothing. Emptiness can sometimes be good. But at the same time, to me, this empty feeling is some sulky feeling I hate. But for example, when we meditate, we try to clear our minds of everything. The feeling of getting rid of everything in our mind when we meditate is to me one of the best feelings in life :)

And there's empty feelings, there's also times when I constantly think of things. Some random things, happening things. Basically things. And yes I hate it too when I keep on doing that. It's like being asked a question and not knowing the answer. It's like asking question, not knowing where to get the answer.

We humans are such imperfect creatures aren't we.

Pondering is a normal thing to do for us. We ponder this, we ponder that. We wonder why things happen, we wonder why they don't. But I guess it's good. I firmly believe we should keep on asking questions. Questions about life! About daily happenings.

Never stop asking questions. Till the end of your time.

It's 1:21 AM now. I have to do some things. And I have to sleep. I'm screwed.

Heart talk

It's 3:58 AM now, and I'm writing this while listening to the song Taliin Mongol by a Moorin Khuur ensemble from Mongolia. The song suits the surrounding. Even though I'm in Indonesia, listening to this song makes me feel like I'm in a grassland of Mongolia. With the silence surrounding me, I really feel like I'm in one. Just that the cold temperature and the wind is missing.

Isn't it amazing how music can evoke so many different feelings, emotions and memories?

I'm writing this post because my heart has been feeling really "weird" for the past few days. There's something I want to say but at the same time, I don't know what I want to say. But then yet again, my blog has been a platform where I can talk to, and at the end of the day, I'll feel better after writing. There are some scenarios in life where words speak louder than speech.

It's been about a month plus since my Inner Mongolia trip. I've been missing the trip, and listening to these Mongolian songs just remind me of the trip. It's one amazing journey that I'll never forget. And I'm always reminding myself od how lucky I am to have been chosen for this trip. I've printed the photos, and I'm going to print more. And yeah, that's one way where I can always return to my memories.

Life is pretty short. I'm always up to taking up journeys and travels and venture to the places I've never been to. I came up with the line, life is the world undiscovered. So well, in life, try to discover as much undiscovered place of yours as possible.

Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, died a few days ago. I was shocked by the news, but well, he had been fighting with pancreas cancer for quite some time. I'm sure, his fight will not go to a waste. I truly admire how much he had changed the world's technology with Apple. I'm not an Apple fan myself, I do own an iPod touch and I do use iTunes. But I have to agree how brilliant Apple products are.

My Facebook and twitter is flooding with his quotes. There's one that I love a lot.

Life is short, don't waste it by living someone else's life. Or something along that line.

It's really true, and it get me thinking and thinking.

Thinking.

Age

I was thinking about this on the way back to my hometown last Friday. It's both kinda true and sad, somehow, at the same time. It's about growing up, and returning to yourself.

I came up with this inside the car that night

As we grow up, we tend to go away from our parents and return to myself. We begin to walk in our direction and not in others. We begin to discover who we all are, our potential and ourselves. We begin to distract away from our parents and walk our own paths.


In a way, as we are all growing up, we will realise who we all are. What we're good in, what we can do and our potentials basically. And as we realise our potentials, we discover who we are, and we distract away from out parents. Some go in order to realise their OWN passion and learn it on their own, some just want to be independent. I'm sure you know what I mean.

When we're young our parents always give us direction to where we all should go. As we grow up, they give us more freedom and we travel on our own, our own direction, speed and time. We're truly returning to ourselves.

Sometimes, I feel age is a sad thing. No?

Why

I just got back from my band Korea exchange trip and my Inner Mongolia trip (last week). They are both awesome, I should be blogging about them now and tell you how I feel. But I can't help but to blog about other things just to comfort myself, about how I'm feeling now.

In life we're always asked to question, why? Why does the bird sing, why is the sky blue, why is the song so awesome, why do people cry, why do babies smile, why is life so tough, why is the truth more horrible than lies, why am I like this.

Why am I here.

We always question. Be it question about life, or about reality itself. Sometimes I ask myself, why am I here, born to be who I am, living to be who I am. Why is my destiny like this, why did I go here and there, why did I eat this and that. Why am I studying this, why am I doing that.

Sometimes it comes to me wondering why am I living a life like this. Why can't I live the life of others? Some call it destiny or fate. Some say karma. I'm not sure what it is. I just question why.

Sometimes in life we ask for more, we ask why can't we have a better life than them. And there are times, where I would ask for the worst. Like sometimes I wish I was a poor kid on the street. Or perhaps a young man living in a village beside a sea. Or just a common, normal guy living a simple normal life. Sometimes I wish I were my friend, living his or her life and not mine.

Yet people always say of how much we should be grateful about our being. About our belonging to this earth. About having what we have. While I complain about life, there's someone, somewhere out there who is suffering more than me. But no matter what and when, I always remind myself of how ardous the journey of life can be, and how we should always fight back and continue fighting, and brave the journey.

The uncertainties of life is what trouble me. Is what keeping me wondering to why and how my life will be. I've told you many times of how much I hate thinking of the future. How much I despise it. Not that I don't want my future to come. I just don't know what to do when it does. Not that I'm not prepared, I'm just lost to how it will go, and why it will go.

It's kind of sad, how I live a life with joy and smile in front of others. When deep inside a great problem is fighting with me. When deep inside, I'm struggling down with something.I feel really horrible when I always think of the future. When others are happy and anticipating of the future, here am I dreading it.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I feel really clueless and helpless thinking of the future. It's really tough, in one hand it's me, in one hand it's them. Sometimes thinking about them already makes me feel like crying, when I hear stories, when I think of things.

Sometimes it's true what they say about how money is the root to all evil. The more money we have, the more problems we have.

I love simplicity. Why do we make things complicated? Why can't I have a simple life with a simple job? I don't mind being a farmer in the countryside. A simple man, leading a simple life.

Why?

Fragility

I realise how fragile our memories can be. Memories on our mind especially. Memories come in different forms. Some are physical objects which bring us a rush of euphoria when we see, touch or hear them. Some in non-physical form. Like the memories we have in our brain. Did you know that the portion for memory in our brain is actually really small? Hmm. Ironic isn't it haha. Power of the human brain.

I was just somehow tidying up my space a little just now. My class from last semester bought me this cute folding pouch for my birthday this year. It's a pouch that can hold many different things. There's a sticker for different compartments like tickets, films, receipts, money etc. I really need this kind of pouch. And somehow one of my friend said when my class gave it to me:

"You will really need this"

I'm not too sure what she meant by that. She either mean it cause I'm my present class treasurer, hence I need this kinda pouch. Or is it because she knows I'm such a sentimental person that keeps movie tickets, concert tickets, boarding passes etc?

And yes I do keep all of the mentioned things above. In fact I keep more objects that the one listed above. I keep my birthday cards, I keep my well wishes from my friends. I keep certain objects which hold a valuable amount of memory to me. Like my prom invitation given by my school. The scores for my first every concert. My O Level papers (yes can you believe that). I keep all of them.

Why? Because one, yes I'm a sentimental person and two, because I am someone who really treasure memories.

And with the fact that I'm someone who is really paranoid about things. I have a fear, or even a great fear of one thing. To forget.

I've backed up all my photos, songs, documents from my laptop which to me are really precious. Especially photos, cause those are the only way that I can go back to my past travels. And songs too, cause I have this crazy idea to listen to the songs I really love when I grow up. And the most "radical" ever, I have some songs I want to play in my funeral (oh gosh).

Oh not to forget my wedding.

In fact, honestly speaking, I'd rather be forgotten, than to forget. Somehow memories mean a lot to me. I'm not sure if I'm insane or I'm diagnosed with some disease or phobia. Okay I just googled and I got this I think athazagoraphobia (wow what a long name). They refer to fear of being forgotten or fear of forgetting. I guess I'm the latter one.

Memories to me are pieces of art that really made who I am today. I know people (like me) always say how we are not supposed to cling to our past. I mean yes I don't cling to my past. I came up with this a few while ago. "For the past, bury the bitter, treasure the sweet. For the future anticipate everything, plan ahead. For the present, live like you're dying"

So yeah not that I cling to my past like as if I look at my past everyday, and can't live without it if I don't look at it everyday kind of thing. I just treasure them. And like a treasure, I don't want them to be gone. I want them to stay with me, like a pirate that is really proud of his treasure. He wants to keep it with him forever.

I guess as I said once, I'm unlike many other guys out there. Not sure about my friends, but so far I've only found a handful of people who are really sentimental as me. And most of them are girls. Well I guess there are some guys but I just haven't met them yet. Maybe cancers are like that. I heard we're a bunch of quite sentimental people.

You know sometimes I would have a slight argument with my sister especially when it comes to keeping my music CDs. I have one BUNCH of music CDs. And yes I know I put them in my computer, put them in my iPod and leave it there. But the reason why I don't wanna throw/donate/give them away is that I want to keep all of them and carry it with me to the future. I want to make this super huge library of music. That would be really nice, yes :)

To me, our memories are like a ceramic bowl. When you drop it, it will break into pieces. Maybe not-so-small pieces. You can patch them back up with a glue and stuff. But for sure... Firstly, it will be difficult to patch them back up. Secondly, it will be incomplete as some of the small tiny pieces will fly elsewhere, and it's just difficult to put these tiny ones back together.

So in conclusion, when you forget a part of your memories, it's hard to bring them back together and patch them back up again, as a whole. Really difficult. And I don't want this to happen to me. I really don't.

As fragile as our memories can be, so do our future. As time goes by, we tend to be busier. We tend to be filled with so much activities, that we tend to forget our memories. We tend to forget how fast time could fly, and then we landed in our big old ages and then when it comes to remembering stuff, we have difficulty. And our memories, you know what will happen to it.

I guess somehow I think I'm really thinking too much. But it's better to bring umbrella before it rained. And let the rain wash all our memories away.

Away.

Write

Hello. It's been such a long time since I last wrote here. And I've been telling myself that I want to write. I want to. There's so many things I want to write about. So many things I've been thinking and feel like vomiting it out. And of course, there are also so many things I had to do, that I didn't have the time to write. I've been pretty busy with my exams. But now that it's over. I can write.

I love writing. It's such a joy and comforting feeling for me to write. My friends and I were talking about English essays and literature when we were in secondary school last night. And I realised how much I missed writing, enjoying them. After all, English had to be one of my most favourite subject in secondary school. Even though I love sciences too. I enjoy English especially the writing part. Not so much of the question-answer type (we call it comprehension here).

And now that I'm in a science related course, we don't write essays but reports. We don't write stories but all things related to experiments. I'm sure every science students hate this part. I mean I'm sure we would rather do the practical and discovering part of the subject rather than just... The "boring" part of writing reports and such.

So I took such joy and pleasure blogging and writing my diary.

I don't know what's with writing but it just gave me comfort and warmth. There are times in life where we just feel like not-telling-anyone-about-our-problems kind of times. When we just want to be alone, to spend time with ourselves and not others. When we just want to spend some solitary time between us and something (and not someone). It can be music, can be the TV, can be the sky, the grass and of course the pen and the paper (or keyboard and screen).

I'm a cancer. We're a bunch of quite emotional person. They say the sign of the cancer is a crab. A crab has shell and that's why we cancer likes to hide within our shell. We like to keep things to ourselves. So far most of my cancer friends including me are like this. I love to keep things to myself. That's why somehow, sometime, I hurt myself by not letting things out.

And when that happens, I have to inflict these pain to my paper, and my blog. I know it's really evil and cruel of me to do this. Like as if I'm hurting them indirectly. But I don't know. I guess it's better to inflict damage to a non-living thing, rather than human?

(laughs)

But anyway, my blog, my diary, they are non living things that's for sure. But they share with me something special. Something... Like a bond, unseen bond that only I can share, I can feel. When life sucks I have them to rely on. But of course, I'm not just going to rely on my blog ONLY. I would usually share it with my close friends.

My diary and blog are like friends to me too. They may not give me solutions to my problem. But they provide me with comfort. They provide me something instant. A friend would give me the solution and support. Even though a diary doesn't give me the solution to a problem. I feel giving comfort is the first step for me, only, to find the solutions. Imagine having a problem. And you're feeling stressed up and you are so sad, you can't think of a solution!

And not forgetting, I'm a very sentimental person. I really treasure memories, I treasure moments. I guess that's another reason why I love writing and photography. In writing I keep memories in words. In photography I freeze moments with pictures. And I truly hope that all these can stay with me forever till I die.

Life is a mysterious thing. Time. Especially is.

I guess I'm no ordinary kind of guy. Not saying I'm special or what. Just that... Don't you think it's rare for a guy to keep a diary? To write a blog and tell about all this kind if stuff?

Well we're all special in our own ways. That definitely is.

Ah, I feel so much better now :)

Good night

Stressed

Hello, wow it's been quite a long time since I last blogged here. I'm pretty pre-occupied right now. With my exams starting this week. Thankfully I have 2 papers only. 2, difficult papers. Yikes.

The studying and everything have taken the toll in me seriously. Somehow... There's really... I don't know. I'm really mentally tired and drained from all these studyings :/ But well lets press on! It's 4 more days tot he end of the exams to look on the brighter side of things. And after my exams, my long-awaited OCIP trip will be coming so yup! Awesome rewards for awesome hard work? :D

You know... I was so tired just now that I felt really glad when I stopped studying and switched on my laptop. There's this feeling I got that relieve me. That tells me alright, I won't be studying anymore (for the time being).

I guess I need some break...

I can do this! Definitely! :)

Finally

Right, tomorrow. Or in fact later, in about 12 hours time, the event I've been waiting for since May will happen. Will take place. I think it's really worth the wait. Worth the excitement I've been keeping to myself. Worth everything. And I'm pretty excited right now. Oh dear I hope I can sleep tonight. I'll really find it difficult I suppose!

But I'm just glad that the day is arriving and the event is going to take place. Really soon. The counting down of the dates. The imageries I have in my head. And finally, it's going to take place tomorrow.

It feels... Joyful and exciting and anticipating all at the same time when we're all waiting for something, we really want to happen quickly, to happen. Tomorrow is just an example in my life. Last year, well being my first time, I was more excited about HfH. Not that I'm not excited for this year one. But... When I told myself I want to make HfH a yearly event for me, that it will be something, a part of every year, well my excitement level is much more contained. So yup. Hair For Hope 2011, I'm coming for you :)

I will write a post about why I join HfH, and why I wanna make it a yearly event for me. But I'm only going to write it after the event tomorrow. I guess....

Writing with a shaved head makes me, puts me in a position, a symbol, of a child with cancer. And I guess a shaved head would allow me to think clearer.

Hair for Hope 2011, I'm coming

:)

When emptiness comes, words shall fill it up.

The empty feeling is here again. I have no idea why it has decided to follow me, and visit me again. Symptoms? Feeling empty, no mood to do things, and.... Pure weird feeling you can't describe in words. But I shall fill it up with words. Words are magical. They appear as normal block letters and then a group of them come together to make a beautiful thing called a story. A story it is.

I'm listening to the song "Kawaranai Mono" by Hanako Oku. It's the OST from the movie the girl who leapt through time, a Japanese movie. It basically means the things that never change. And so which things in life never change? When the only constant in life, is change. It's one of life's intriguing questions. Intriguing.

There are times when I would miss those days I had back in Secondary school. Waking up early in the morning, to bring myself back to school. And taking the same bus route almost everyday (for I would take a taxi if I'm late heh) and experiencing that chill as I listened to my MP3 in that freezing bus. Meeting with my friends, talking with them. If not, reading my book.

But then, I would also tell myself at times of how I wanna move on with life. How I want time to move quickly. To get things over and done with. I used to always think of how life will go on after I've graduated from my secondary school. And now here I am living that life. Certainly time has passed by really quickly. But, certainly. There are times when we could rewind time to visit back those beautiful sweet days we used to have.

I guess we tend to take things for granted. Even though my life motto is something like live the moment, I would also cherish the past. So I guess we all should make our decisions wisely. Time is like throwing a pebble into the air. It will fall back to the ground, and it can't bounce back. But you can always pick that pebble and toss it into the air again. And pick it up.

But in this case, in the scenario, you are memories. Only memories can do it.

The feeling of emptiness is something imperfectly nice. It's unpleasant, of course. But it's also pleasant, for sometimes this emptiness feeling gives you something indescribable and pleasantly nice. It's like... I don't know. Oh well what am I talking about.

I can accept loneliness. It's all about the activity :)

And music, is my best friend.

Exclusive

Let me share you some good music, and its great video.

This is the song Hoppipolla. A song by the famous Icelandic band Sigur Ros. It was funny how I came across this band, and this song. By co-incidence. A friend of mine posted their video of "Goobledigook" on his Facebook wall last year. I clicked it, and listened to some of their songs via Youtube suggestion box. And I told myself. This is a great band.

Then I come across Hoppipolla which I feel is my favourite song from this band. I've been listening to this song for almost everyday since I had the song in my iTunes and iPod. It's in my monthly playlist for like, more than 10 months? I think?

The first time I listened to Hoppipolla, the one word which comes to my mind is. Joy. I feel really happy listening to the song. It's hard to describe in words. It just felt as if there's a connection with me and this song that is made when I first listened to it. There's this something which tells me I'll love this song for a long time. I'll love this song even until I grow up. It's amazing.

I love it when such things happen. When I discover songs that I instantly fall in love with, and keep on falling in love. It is beautiful and a great experience. Just like Sigur Ros, their discovery in me is something co incidence and that something I couldn't predict, or couldn't know. If my friend were to not put the link on his wall, if I were not to click it and open it. Sigur Ros is just an unknown band that I'll never heard of. That's why I feel thankful for him, and for me clicking that link.

I guess it's like life. You can't predict what's gonna happen, what's good gonna happen, what's bad gonna happen. You just live life like a flowing river. Some challenges come, you take it. Some rushes come, you ride it. When the water is slow, you enjoy it. When big rocks appear in front of you, you pass through them.

What's the future? We truly don't know.

But oh well. I feel glad to have known Sigur Ros. Like what my friend said to me today, liking Sigur Ros is being exclusive. Cause not many people here knows Sigur Ros as much as the people in Europe or US. It's like loving something which you truly endears and no one really knows much about it. It's a secret love, a sense of personal connection that appears within you and and the song (or the band).

I'm glad to have loved classical music too. Which not many youths like me hear these days.

Love what you live. Live what you love. Cause there's only someone who can truly enjoy it. And that's you.

Oh well

Sigh, I just finished studying some part for a module called genetic and molecular biology. Oh gosh honestly, I hate genetics, and will never be want to be a genetic scientist. And the ironic thing is that I wanna be a scientist that handles with bacteria and stuff, cause they're interesting. Was reading about DNA replication in eucaryotes and I go booms.

Oh Buddha please bless me and GM bio :/

But reading stuff just now lightens my burden in the ever increasing worry I have for GM bio.

Currently I'm in my hometown, and yes it's been quite a long time since I blogged here. Pretty busy, and I always keep forgetting to blog here event hough I have lots of things to talk about. And well I guess it's too late to write what I wanted to.

Well... It's pretty hard, I've told you here of how much I dread my future. Of the mysteries and wonders I've been thinking of, and the problem I've always think about, to how I want it to be. It's pretty sad and scary to always think of the future. In a way one, I don't know what lies ahead, and two, if -that- is going to be my future, then I will really go feel... I don't know.

It's pretty hard, I always tell myself how selfish we all are in our own different ways. I think I'm selfish, and I think he's selfish, no? But no one can tell really, who knows the future? No one. But no matter what lies ahead, I'm just going to think and live the present like really live it. Pointless to think of the future always, whether it'll turn out right, or wrong. Cause no one knows!

Take life as a chess game. If you keep on thinking whether you'll win or lose this game, then you'll never be focussed on your game right now. Since you're thinking WHETHER you'll win or not, instead of thinking on HOW to win it. If you're always on thinking of your past, lets say you have lost a game. Then the same thing happened. Fear will not let you go anywhere.

So well, I maybe a foolish dreamer, that always remind myself, tell myself, write here and there, of how I just want to focus and live the present. But I'm also a dreamer that hopes for the future. I'm a dreamer that dreams big, that hopes for the better to come. As foolish as I may seem, I will always dare to dream, and never stop dreaming.

So I'm sorry, but I want, and I will graduate with a good diploma in two years time. As for the future?

Who knows :)

Too much

I just want to add something.

I think I'm just thinking too much.

Emptiness

Alright I'm giving myself 15 minutes to blog this post.

Have you ever wondered, or felt this kind of feeling before? This... Empty feeling. Not saying that you're emotionless, AKA not happy, not sad, not stressed, not relaxed. I don't know how to put it in words. It's just empty. That's the only word that can explain it. It feels weird I know, but have you felt that way?

I do, and I always do.

I don't know what causes it, it's just this really empty feeling that I can't describe. For me, the feeling is accompanied by this heart-wrenching feeling. Like a tad feeling of someone pinching your heart, or poking it with needles. It's the same feeling as my after-holiday-trips feeling. Empty. Not that you're moodless to do things or something like that.

I'm going round and round, I've realised.

Nevertheless, I've been back in my hometown for a week now. I'm happy that I've finished quite a lot of things, yes it really sucked to have exams waiting for you ahead of your holiday, and assignments, waiting to be done before the holiday comes to an end. But at the same time, I'm intrigued. Who knows the new system of exams-after-holidays is better?

Which I doubt so.

And of course going back means... Thinking of "those things". Never fail to do so, and I hate it a lot to think about that. But it's inevitable. I guess it is evitable. I just have to do two things. Think positively, and always hope for the best. And these two things are not something that's easily achieved. It's hard you know, sometimes to do things that somehow go against you, or something like that.

I would like to take this holiday to rejuvenate. 7 weeks of poly life in year 2 is not really a smooth and easy path we all take. I'm sure all of us deserve this good holiday to rejuvenate as well. And yes, I deserve it too. But oh well. this holiday to me will be a self-deserving one. I'll be the one that plans how this holiday can happen to allow me to rejuvenate as well.

I've been in constant thought of the future, of what he had told me, of lots of things. I hate thinking of all these things and try my best to get away from them as far, as much, as possible. It's just heartbreaking, and painful both in the physical and mental way. And of course, I will always, as always, tell myself to just live the present to the fullest. And let time take me to the future.

Sometimes people say. You work hard for yourself, and not for others. To my content, it's true. I'll just continue to work hard, for myself. For the sense of my own satisfaction, for the sense of my own accomplishment. It's pointless to think of this and that. I guess life will just take its course naturally. Law of attraction.

I am one selfish bitch. But I can't help it.

C'est la vie, que sera sera. Lets just live the present to the fullest, the future's not for us to see, que sera sera.

Sigh...

12 minutes :)

Sigh

Why must you always tell me that.

I hate it when we're stuck in that conversation about that topic.

I have my own viewpoint which I know you'll find meaningless.

And I know it won't be a waste of time.

It's an experience I will never forget.

Sigh.

Nevertheless, I will always look on the bright side, and be positive always.

Hope for the future, shout it, don't whisper

Leaving

Oh well, tomorrow my sister will be leaving for Indonesia, for good. She has finished her studies here and so she's going to return to my hometown to help out both of my parents. Which means, I'll be left alone here, with also the fact that my cousin is leaving as well. And my sis' bf has also returned for good. I'm all alooonnneee!!!

Well I still have my friends, thankfully.

I guess, as I always tell myself, it's good to always look things on the bright side. Despite the fact that I'll be alone, look on the bright side! I'll be more independent, more mature, and I guess, more freedom. So not all bad things are bad, there's always a good side to every bad thing! That's why life is such an imperfect journey.

But what I'm going to hate is the fact that no one is going to eat dinner with me every weekend. No one to eat out with, to shop with, to accompany me to do this and that with. I'm alone I guess. And I doubt it's good to actually ask my friends all the time to go out with me. Not only money will be spent, I'm sure they want to have their own time too.

Honestly speaking, I don't know how life will go on.

At least I'll still be having one more week of school and then it's holiday. And I can meet my sister again back in Indo. But... When I return back to Singapore after the holiday. That's it, I'll be alone from then on. But I guess.. I'll just have to get used to it. It's like my first time studying in Singapore. Not having my parents around. First 3 days were horrible but then I got used to it.

So I guess it's the same for this situation. Give me a week or so and I should feel fine :) It's all in the matter of getting used to the surrounding and the situation.

What I think also, was....

I can't imagine, I can't picture, and I somehow can't accept the fact that 2 years later, I'm leaving too.

But, lets not think of that, lets make the remaining 1.75 years of my poly life beautiful

Criticism

Edwin and I were sitting down in the hall. The professor, looking as stern as a judge was sitting on a chair, scribbling things on a piece of paper. It must be tough for that guy I thought.

Edwin and I are music students in a music conservatory. We were waiting for our critics regarding our compositions. My turn was up next. And this was my first time where my composition is being judged by a professor. Before this, the only people who criticised me would be people in Youtube. Whose critics will be "Nice song :)" or "I think it sounds a bit weird" or more.

"I won't be surprised if you cry after this" Edwin whispered, "He's a tough one"

I swallowed a gulp of saliva as my heartbeat increased out of the sudden, after Edwin told me that. Ridiculous thoughts were running in my mind. From the professor banging his table, throwing my scores in the air, shouting so loudly that the music hall will be filled with anger, punching me, shouting right in front of my face, and more. It's... Plain ridiculous I thought.

The professor then looked at me and signalled me to approach him. Time for doom I suppose. I braved myself up and walked towards him. With my heart racing like a bar of crescendo and 100 bars of accelerandos. I stood in front of him, and he asked me:

"Good news first? Or bad news first?"

"Bad news" I replied, at least the good news will make me feel good.

The professor put down his glasses and gave his back a stretch. He stared at me right into my eyes and folded his hands. Then he sat back up straight, cupping his fingers.

"Honestly speaking, your composition lacks of depths. There's no creativity, it's boring, plain, monotonous, and horrible. You have no sense of maturity in your composition. Anyone can compose a song like that! It's just too plain boring. Put it this way, your composition is so horrible, no orchestra should play it."

He stopped for a while, and then continued

"The good news is, that's all for your bad news"

I was feeling horrible. Never in my life had anyone criticised me in such brutal manner. I felt really horrible. I wanted to break down and cry and just said thank you and walked off. But I pulled myself together. There's something wrong with the way the professor criticised my composition. There's something I have to say to the professor.

"Dear professor, I would like to ask you a few questions. In which manner does my composition lack of depth? How can I improve my compositions so that it will not be boring? How can I improve my creativity? In what way is my composition horrible?" I asked

"There's nothing I can answer to those questions. I'm a professor, I know that your composition is not good enough. In fact, there's no need for answering those questions. Trust me, your composition is just too...."

And I cut the professor, rising my tone a little bit.

"Dear professor, I will not leave this hall until you give me an answer to every question I asked to you just now. I will not. How do you think all these musicians in this school can make great music if this is the way you criticise our compositions?! Yes I know that my song is horrible, but in what freaking way?"

I caught a breath.

"It is as if you're a mathematician who formulates an equation without having the elaboration to work it out. You are not solving the problem at all! I repeat. I WILL NOT leave the concert hall until you give me the answers to my questions"

Edwin walked towards me and put his hands on my shoulder, calming me down. I whispered to him saying that I'm not angry or anything of that sort. I just need an answer.

The professor looked at me, with his mouth opened in a gap. He then asked me

"Adhi, how about, we get a cup of coffee instead?"

Felt so good after writing an essay once more! :)

It is as if you're a mathematician who formulates and equation without having the elaboration to work it out. You are not solving the problem at all

Price tag

I'm supposed to be sleeping. Or... Studying. But ah well, here am I ended up in this blog. So I guess no choice but to continue writing I suppose?

I just want to talk about something. Money.

A friend of mine randomly asked me a few days ago.

"Hey you're rich right?"

And honestly speaking, I'm stunned by it. Not because it's reverse psychology, and I don't know how to answer it, and I got shocked. But just because... I don't know how to answer the question. And honestly speaking, it's a pretty weird and uncertain question to be asked, yet alone, answered. But oh well, what if, there are two scenarios.

If I'm actually poor:

Nope, I'm not rich... I came from a poor family.

If I'm actually middle-income:

Nope I'm not. I come from a middle income family!

If I'm actually rich:

I'm not rich. Even if I am rich, I don't want to feel rich, and I don't want to be rich.

I once came up with the quote. To be rich, without feeling rich. And to be poor without feeling poor. That's one of life's greatest bliss. And I think it's pretty true. I just want to live a simple life. A normal life where it's all balanced. As a matter of fact, I would rather dine in simple and homy restaurants rather than those high class restaurant. I would buy simple clothings rather than branded ones. I would just rather live a simple life.

So to actually ask me such questions, I'm a bit shocked. Cause I simply don't know how to answer the question. And as you can see, my answer above. It would be pretty weird, and confusing if I were to give that answer. And I'm sure my question will lead to that two words - reverse psychology. And thus, there's no definite answer is there?

But yes, that's my answer. I don't count myself as being rich. I don't want to feel rich. Even if I'm rich, I don't want to indulge myself, lavish myself with money. I don't think it's something right, something worth doing.

Cause at the end of the day, you will leave this earth with the legacy you left on life.

You will not leave your price tag on earth.

Excitement

Right, this post may tell you the "quirky" side of me. But well, I just feel like writing this out. You know, for no reason, I would just get soooo excited about my Mongolian OCIP trip. And the best part is, I haven't even go for the interview yet! Which I really really really wish I can get through it. And oh, yes I wish my friends can get through it as well, cause CIP with friends = great, awesome, unforgettable memories and moment!

Same goes for HfH 2011, which is still in like 2 months time plus. Well alright, I have registered for it, so that sort of gives me some "relief" over my excitement, but I still, at times, feel so excited about it too! Goes the same for last year's HfH as well.

You might find me "weird" in a sense that I am someone who can get so excited about things so easily. I guess I'm just someone who can't contain excitement well. But come to think of it, is just just pure excitement? Like pure joy? Or is there something behind it?

Let me tell you why I feel so excited.

To me, nothing beats the joy of doing something good. To a friend, to a family member, to a stranger, basically to anyone. I guess that's the reason why I feel so excited about HfH. I'm participating in a charity event. I'm fulfilling my wish. That's what's most important and why I am excited about HfH. Cause I promise myself to shave for the rest of my education here in Singapore.

Next, to make a dream come true. I've always dreamt of visiting Mongolia. And to go for this OCIP trip, it's like killing two birds with one stone. Not only I'm doing something good for the environment, I'm also fulfilling my dream of going to Mongolia. Of travelling there. And also to have fun with my friends of course.

I guess this feeling of happiness is what I mean by genuine happiness. The feeling of knowing that your dreams will come true. Your wish is going to be fulfilled. Something you love is going to happen. These events, are the cause of the excitement. And this joy you're feeling is genuine joy. Just like my HfH last year, I felt so excited about the event.

While queueing, I was still excited. While being shaved, I was more excited. When I touch my hair, I feel really happy and excited. And a few hours after the event, the feeling lingers. And a few hours more, the feeling is gone. That's what I mean by genuine joy. The feeling of happiness lingers for a longer period after the event, then it's gone. But a part of your heart feels accomplished. Feels happy and rejoiced.

That's genuine happiness :)

And gosh I can't wait for those two events to happen seriously! :D

My Little Escape - Episode 5

I'm inspired to write this as I'm going for an interview to go for a OCIP (overseas community involvement programme) trip to Mongolia. After seeing some pictures of Mongolia, I just, really really, want this trip really really much! :)

The wind was blowing softly into my ears, as if telling me a story. The smell of the grasses wafted through the air. It's an indescribable feeling and aroma. It's something pleasant, yet something wild and sweet. The temperature of the surrounding was nice and cooling. Even though it was a cold 10 degree celsius, the black jacket of mine was keeping me warm, in this vast landscape.

The grasses danced in the wind. Moving according to the rhythm of the wind as they sway towards the east. The sound of camels can be heard. Some, were chewing some grasses while the others, just making noises, perhaps bored, as they had been standing still for the past 20 minutes. My guide was beside the camels, starring into the emptiness.

I was on a camel-trekking trip for the past 30 minutes, when I asked my guide to stop. As we stopped, I took out my camera and started snapping pictures. The reason why I wasn't snapping pictures on the ride was because, I just simply want to enjoy the camel-back ride. It was my first time doing that as well. That's why I want to absorb all the experience in.

After feeling satisfied with the pictures, we continued our trip. And after about another 30 minutes of trekking, we came into a ger. It's like a hut, that when you step inside, you'll feel so warm and cosy as compared to the outside. As we arrived at the ger, an old woman stepped outside and gave me a cup of warm tea. It was really soothing, both for my body and my soul.

Two other men came out of the ger, along with a small boy about 7 years of age. They shook my hand, and my guide's hand, as they welcomed me into the ger. As I stepped inside the ger, I was shocked and how much warmer it was inside. And the small-looking ger is actually cosy, comfortable and nice to be in. Some foods were served afterwards for us, and of course, a non-stop flow of tea.

I was astonished in a sense how my guide seemed "foreign" into this family. For I was having the thought that the ger was a "set-up" for me, or other tourists, that my guide has planned for. When I asked my guide, he told me that he had never met this family before. This was his first time meeting them.

And in my heart, I was just feeling so happy, and touched by the family's kindness.

One of the men stepped outside of the ger and shouted "oooh!" as if he had discovered something. He quickly went in again, walked towards me and grabbed my hand. He pointed at my camera and pointed outside. Shortly, he started pulling me towards the entrance, and the rest of the people inside the ger followed.

As I stepped outside, my jaw dropped after seeing the scenery in front of me. It was a sunset. The sky was painted with streaks of purple clouds, and some orange clouds. The sky was blue with a golden hue, and some birds were flying by. Without hesitant, I quickly snapped this scene. So euphoric, that I snapped more than 10 of them.

Then I asked my guide to ask the family to have a photo of them taken. And we took turns taking photos of each other. I was feeling really joyful, for all of them seemed very happy to have their photos taken. And at the same time, feeling amazed by my digital SLR. After the laughter, the woman came with more cups of tea as we all sat on the grass, enjoying the view.

The family started singing some Mongolian song, which I tried my best to sing along with them. Apparently the father of the family was a real good throat-voice singer. It was one of the most beautiful dusk I've ever experienced in my life.

Before we left the ger, I was asking my guide if I were able to get their address so that I can send them their photos once I developed them. But looking around, there was no road signs. It's just a free land. Thankfully, they'll be going to the capital city in a month's time, and live in a relative's house for almost a year.

As I rode my camel again, the old woman asked me to reach out my hand as she gave me a small note. She also gave me a seemigly old post-card with Mongolian words on it.

And on the way back to the camel-farm, our original point, my guide told me what the small note and the post card say.

You're always welcomed here, like in your own home. And,

Welcome to beautiful Mongolia

NOTE:

This story is fictional and nothing in this story is real. The names, the places, the objects, the characters in this story are not real and made up by me. But once again, I hope to make this a reality! Who knows eh

Pictures

I just gave my table a "make over"! Well not a -make over- like those in TV shows, but I just put some pictures on top of my desk. So it's more "lively" and colourful in a sense. Let me show you a picture. And hey, guess what, it's my first time putting a picture here! :D

PS: Pictures are taken by me :)

Here it is! It's a photo frame which holds 9 small pictures. Ugh I printed the photos in wallet sizes. But apparently the photo frame holds photos that are smaller in size! So I have to cut them again. Thankfully they are not majorly-altered. So they still look good in the frames :D

But each picture, actually tells me something. It's sort of a reminder for me.

The 2nd picture on the top, the piano.

This photo reminds me of my passion, my love, and my dream for music. The photo was taken in black and white. But the piano is a black and white instrument, which produces colourful music, that only the ear could see.

The 1st picture on the 2nd row, some feathery plant.

This plant sways gently in the wind. It moves softly, just like as soft as its feather-like feature, in to the rhythm of the wind. If I am having a bad day, I'll just tell myself to let the wind carry the troubles of yesterday. Get on with it, and live positively, as always! :)

The 2nd picture on the 2nd row, my dog.

This photo serves a reminder for me, to smile always. Live everyday to the fullest, and always think positively. This dog of mine is the biggest dog. And he's actually not scary at all. He looks really innocent and cute in this photo. Shows how much an innocent mind can bring such joy to life, like a newborn baby. But ultimately, smile always :)

The 3rd picture on the 2nd row, my other dog facing a green field.

This photo reminds me to always live curiously. To never stop wandering the beauty of life, and never give up to find that answer to the question of life. And with the fact that I'm a research student, being curious is sort of a must thing to do :)

The 2nd picture on the bottom row, reflection of a puddle of water.

Reflection. Just like a mirror, it's a reminder for me to always look at the man in the mirror (aka me). To not criticise others, before you look at yourself into the mirror. And as the Michael Jackson's song says: "I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways. If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself to make that change" :D

The 3rd picture on top row, 1st and 3rd picture of 3rd row, sunsets.

These pictures tell me two things. One, how beautiful life can be. Life is so beautiful, it's such a waste if we don't spend our lifetime discovering these beauties. Secondly, these pictures tell how much I love sunsets. I love sunsets, for it's a beautiful scene that ends the day, and tells me another one is starting. It's a reminder for me, to keep smiling for tomorrow :)

The first picture on the first row is just something random heh :P

Amazing how these 9 pictures can tell me so many things. How they remind me of so many things either. This is why I love photography. It's an act where one freezes time, a moment. And to this moment, it can relate to so many things. From memories, to favourite things. From happiness, to sadness. And of course, from reminders of life, to lessons.

:)

Short

Love the new blog picture above? :D Well I love it. It was taken in my hometown, a place called Selabintana. It was sunset, and actually the picture is like.... Imagine a photo. Divide it into three horizontal parts. The middle is filled with a golden line, while the 1st and 3rd section is black. Well somehow... The horizon was unique in a sense it's yeah. "In the middle" of a frame thing.

So I cropped it, but it's awesome isn't it :)

As for the title. Life. Life is too short to have so many you-wanna-do-things undone. I've just received an email about Hair For Hope 2011! Hair For Hope (HfH) is basically a charity even to support children with cancer. So basically we shave our hair, to show children with cancer that it's okay to be bald, that they are not alone!

I signed up for this last year. Honestly speaking, it was sort of a "last-minute" thing. I received an email as well, but it's from the organiser of HfH satellite event in my school. So I decided to give it a go, but I went to the real event instead. And well... I think it's an awesome event. I've lost a few people due to cancer. So I want to dedicate that shave (and the upcoming ones) to these people :)

And after last year's event, I realised... Well yeah, life is too short to not-go for these events. Actually I've been wanting to go for HfH last few years, but I didn't know what it really was and the fact that I was still a secondary school boy made me still feel "unsure" about going for it. In fact I was telling myself "who would do that seriously".

Well hey, one more year later, I did that :)

And so yeah I've decided to go for HfH for the remaining years I have in Singapore. And if possible, I want to come back when I grow up to do more shaves. It's a promise I made to myself, and a promise I want to hold on to :)

So I'm so freaking excited for HfH 2011~ :D

And talking about another thing - music. Many people said that I move a lot when I'm in band. Be it in poly, in secondary school or anywhere else. Many may find me weird, like who the hell moves a lot while performing. Honestly saying, I didn't purposely move myself. I move according to emotions, and according to my feeling and the music.

So again relating to how short life is, when else, can you enjoy performing in such concerts? Might as well just give everything, surrender to the music, and you'll see the difference :) That's why I move a lot, I'm being pretty emotional and I'm expressing as much as I can. Cause seriously, that's the ONLY concert you will perform at. You can't relive the concert anymore.

So people, next time you are doing something you love, or you're in a dilemma of doing something that you love. Just go for it. Cause you only live once. You only, live, once :D

Chapter 2

So the chapter 2, of a major story of my life is starting. Wait, has started. Well it's the first page of chapter 2 now. I mean, the end of the first page. Okay I think I pretty much tired. So sorry for the pretty much "weird" things I'm writing now. I'm pretty tired I suppose, it's the first day of my year 2 life and I'm pretty much shagged. But nope, won't let that pull me down :)

I guess life isn't much of a story. Life is like a story book with different stories. The stories may not have link at all, with each other but in one way or another, every story will link up with each other, to form something amazing and wonderful. Like a beautiful story, formed by stories. Amazing isn't it? So well I'm in the chapter 2 of my polytechnic story, or so you can say.

It's pretty amazing, to realise that 48 hours ago I'm still in my hometown. In fact in my room, lazing around, playing with my laptop. And now, I'm back in Singapore, blogging. On the way home just now I was thinking. That's fast. 48 hours gone, poof. I wonder how fast my remaining 2 years will go by.

But then again, I believe that time flows in a constant manner. We humans can't change how fast time can fly, how fast it can flow. We can only make ourselves to feel that time has flown faster, or whether it flies slower. We're not Gods. But sometimes it's funny how we want time to flow, knowing that we can't do that uh.

Be it faster or slower, I'm not going to complain, or to dread this remaining two years. Well, lets just enjoy these remaining two years shall we?

Blumenthal

Mind the title, it's a title of the song Blumenthal by Ulrich Schnauss which I'm listening to now! I'm falling in love with his songs, they are... Just wonderfully "peaceful" and pleasant to the ears. It's like transporting you somewhere out there, a place where you've never been before hehe. Try listening to his songs! I love "As if you've never been away" and "Look at the sky".

The reason why I'm writing this now is that I feel... Bored. One of the reasons. Next I feel.. Empty. And I feel like writing! The sky, while I was beginning to write this, was really beautiful. I feel sort of inspired to write, and thus I write!

Okay now that the sky has turned black, I have lost my inspiration to write :/

I'll be writing here soon.

Emptiness

I just got back from my Hong Kong Trip on Tuesday. And now I'm suffering from this post-holiday trip syndrome. What's that? It's like this empty feeling you have, you're moodless to do anything, thoughtless, and just... I don't know. Feels like empty, that's the best way to describe it. I guess it's sort of a sign that I've had 4 days of fun, now... Back to reality I guess, so you feel rather "unhappy" about things, about going back to reality etc. Well well.

But Hong Kong was awesome, I've finally got out of Singapore/Malaysia/Indonesia for a holiday (minus my Sweden trip on 2009). It feels great to go to a foreign country which I've never visited before. And I promised myself that I'll return to Hong Kong once more for another holiday trip, but minus the tour. I'll just go there on my own.

Travelling, I have to say, is my favourite hobby. I wouldn't call it a hobby, for I don't travel somewher EVERY year. Well I do, like going back to my hometown, but I doubt that doesn't consider as travelling. More like a trip back home. But ultimately I LOVE travelling. And now that I have my DSLR, it makes travelling more fun. It's like combining two things at once - photography and travelling. So yep.

I guess one of the best parts of my travel to Hong Kong is to speak with the locals. I was speaking with two taxi drivers, they are really friendly and nice. And what I'm most proud of is to actually speak with them in Chinese! Yay haha. I think speaking with locals are not only a good way to learn more about the country, or more about the perspective of a country in the eyes of the locals.

That's why I told myself, when I travel, I want to do what the locals do, eat what the locals eat, and have fun. I think most tourist places have lost their original value both in tradition and value wise. Like how some restaurants would suit their flavour according to the tourist flavour, rather than local flavour. I ate in this HK cafe on my trip, and the soup tasted rather bland. Being located in a tourist district, I sort of suspect that the restaurant have decided to suit the flavour of the tourists, cause I know they may not be able to withstand the saltiness or the strong flavour of the food.

I think life's just too short to be kept within your comfort zone. Within your home, your country, your own place. Get out of the shell, go and explore this world and savour the freedom you have. Explore this world, and you'll find how much more beautiful life can be. That's why one of my to-do list before I die is to explore the world. I want to travel to as many places as I can before I die. I think it's just dull and empty to live a very monotonous life in your own home or country.

Oh well, freedom comes with a price I guess. But no matter what, I'll cling to this belief of mine, that one have to travel a lot. It's quite pricey, I know, but yeah I'll try my best. I will and I want to travel around the world one day.

One destination scratched from my list. Hundreds more to go.

Phew

Now comes this time of the year, when everyone is busy studying, mugging, revising, practising, whatever you call it. It's the exam period! Everyone is frantically studying so that they'll do awesomely for the exams. Everyone, including me.

But comes another issue of this moment of the year - stress.

Hell yeah I'm stressed. I guess my brain is too "saturated" I did three Math papers today, so now my mind is filled with numbers, and confusion cause I'm sort of irritated for not being able to do some of the questions. It feels like... I kept on asking myself, oh my I can't do this, what if this question comes out for my paper on Thursday!

Then comes another side of me who'll say - nah this question won't come out, it's too hard for everybody! Or this is a paper of more than 3 years ago, of course the standard is higher. So my chant for today is like "Lets hope this won't come out tomorrow" or yeah.

Well sometimes, in exams, it's not the studying or the paper itself that's difficult/hard/we hate. Sometimes I feel that it's this wish of wanting the exam to be over ASAP that sucks. And of course the results. But remember what you reap is what you sow. So if you don't give your best effort during your exam, then that's your... Yeah.

You see in exams, I just feel that we should exert as much effort as we can during our styudying period. That doesn't suck does it? Who doesn't want to get good results for exams? So give in your best shot! Then during the exam, make sure the effort you gave pays off. And not just dwell in regrets during exam by saying you could have done more.

So there's nothing bad about studying and doing the paper itself. Then when you're studying, comes a time when you just can't take it anymore and you tell yourself how much you wish this exam to be over. Well yes, here comes the crumpy and gritzy bits of exams. That feeling of wanting to end this exam once and for all!

Am I right? :)

And knowing that this is my final exam for my year one, of course, everyone is struggling to get good grades etc. That's the thing about polytechnic I guess. During those O Level days, we squeeze 2 years of study into one. This time round, we squeeze 6 MONTHS of study into one. And we have 4 modules, which are not as basic as those O Level subjects.

But hey! Don't give up yet, life is a struggle, and we're the ones fighting in it. My 2011 resolution is to basically be more positive about things. In fact I feel that's one of the hardest things to do in life. Being positive. Always looking on the brighter side of life, the greener side of the field. Many times we would just rant and grunt about something we hate.

When actually, behind that thing, lies a beautiful and meaningful moral one could take.

So yep! So much for ranting now but well yeah I'm hoping to get fabulous results for this final exam of my year one! Hope my friends do well too! I hope all of us can end our year one beautifully, and carry on to year two with a better and brighter mindset.

And remember, always be positive!

Gosh I just need a break :P

My Little Escape - Episode 4

The rain was falling rather heavily. My shirt, drenched in the merciless cold weather with the wind blowing from all different directions. I was feeling lost, feeling helpless. I've been walking aimlessly in a rather empty street of an area in Bali. It was night time, and the surrounding was dark and eery, with the sounds of the howling dogs, and the mysterious cheeping of the owls heard in the distance.

I have to admit - I was lost.

I took a motorcycle ride with an "ojeg" or also known as motorcycle "taxi". I met up with one whom I then go with to explore some parts of this area in Bali. I told him to drop me off at this place, which I thought I could go and find my way back. But well, I couldn't.

When I thought that all hopes are lost. I suddenly heard a man, shouting from the distance.

(All dialogues are in Indonesian)

"Hey! Young man! Come here"

As I turned back, I saw this middle-aged man, walking briskly towards me as he tried to open an umbrella. Seeing this, I heaved a sigh of relief and ran towards him as well. Somehow somewhat, the feeling of suspicion and threats were missing, even though whom I was meeting, whom I was running towards to was a total stranger to me.

"Why are you walking in the rain? It's 9 P.M, my goodness!"

"Do you know the way back to Denpasar? Are there taxis here? Or Ojegs?" I asked, hoping for a positive answer.

"You won't be able to find Ojegs here at these times, let alone taxis"

My heart sank, to hide my disappointment, I took off my eye contact with him and looked around.

"Look, my house is nearby. I saw you walking in the rain for the past 30 minutes. And I've decided to follow you, with this umbrella"

My eyes widened, my heart, speechless.

"Listen, trust me, you'll need a place to stay for the night. And there's no hotels nearby either. This is a village area, not for tourists!"

"If you don't mind, can I stay in for tonight then?" I asked, with joy arising from my heart.

The man grabbed my arm to signal that we have to start walking. I walked with him under the umbrella on that rainy night. But I came to a realisation. A weird and wonderful realisation. How did he know that I am an Indonesian? And how kind of him to actually follow me to see where I was going. I was thinking about this as we were walking towards his home.

We walked for about 700 metres when we arrived at this house. It was a wooden house, with walls made out of weaved bamboo screens. It was stilted as well. A typical, traditional village house. I was not shocked, in fact, I am expecting this. When we entered the house, it gave me this warm and homy feeling. Despite the fact that it's made out of wood, and not bricks.

We both sat on the floor of the living room. Drinking a hot cup of sweet tea he made. It was then I learnt his name, and his occupation. His name is Mr Ketut. Even though he insisted me just to call him Udjang. It's weird to call him by that name, for it's not a typical Balinese name. I also learnt that he's a caretaker of a paddy field. That's the reason to why he's alone in this house.

We were chatting for a while and I decided to take a bath. It was nice of Udjang to boil me a kettle of hot water to mix it with some water to make it warm. Just for me. He even gave me a singlet and a pair of pants. It was his, and he lent it to me for he knew that my shirts and all are drenched, and that I have no extra left.

After the comforting bath, we continued chatting through the night. Exchanging informations, exchanging stories, introducing who we are, until my fatigue could not take it anymore. I fell asleep on that cold night, as I wore that thin singlet. But in one way or another, the warmth Mr Ketut gave me, and his hospitality, kept me warm through the night.

The morning sunshine crept on my face. Its warmth, waking me up from that deep slumber. In front of me laid two hard boiled eggs and a cup of coffee. I knew Mr Ketut made these for me. I took my breakfast, and wondered where he was. As I opened the front door of my house.

I was looking at one of the most beautiful sights I've seen in my life. The blue sky, with the golden sun painting the eastern horizon with streaks of gold and orange. A hill overlooking this wide paddy field. The chirping birds, and the loud sounds of the rooster. It was like having all my senses in paradise. The smell, the sound, the sight, the taste and the touch.

I saw Mr Ketut on the field, a few metres away from the house with a 3 other men. I've decided to help him, even though he was refusing constantly. I took a hoe and started ploughing the field. He came to me and asked me to stop. He wanted to take the hoe off me to prevent me from working. and I stopped him:

"Let me repay your kindness last night, please!"

He looked at me and smile, and then taught me the right way to plough. And he instructed me of what to do as well. It was just so rewarding to work at this field, under the blue sky, surrounded with the wonderful sceneries. Time flew quickly, it was already early afternoon. I was ploughing some of the field when Mr Ketut called me from the distance.

He was standing on an unploughed plot along with 5 more farmers. Suddenly, one of them charged at me, pushing me down the muddy plot. He turned my body, so that I was facing the mud. And shouted in victory, like as if he had won a wrestling match. Everyone around him clapped, and cheered as they looked at me, which I then looked back, feeling lost.

Mr Ketut finally explained. We were playing a wrestling game. It's also known as gulat in Indonesian. Not only we'll be having fun, but we were also helping to plough that plot of field. The objective is easy - to just pin your opponent on the ground, as long as he stopped moving - a submission as some know it.

We were all having fun wrestling with each other, taking turns to just wrestle with one another. It was funny in a sense that everyone could just charge at you and tried to pin you down. Even though I only managed to pin 2 times, and got pinned myself for more than 10 times, it was a great fun I had with them. We washed our body then, and had a great lunch in the middle of the field. I looked at the sky. And tell myself - today was such, a beautiful day.

In the late afternoon, Mr Ketut borrowed a motorcycle from one of the farmers and decided to drive me to Denpansar. I told him my hotel's address, and he sent me there. Before we left, I wanted to return him his singlet and pants. But he took it, and placed it back on my hand.

"Let this be a memoir of your holiday here in Bali" He smiled, as he pushed his singlet and pants towards me.

I couldn't help myself but to cry and hug Mr Ketut. I was just touched by his kindness, hospitality and warmth. Not forgetting the other farmers as well. I bid farewell to him as he drove off the road.

And as the sun was setting on the western horizon of the beach. I made myself a promise. That I will one day go back to Bali and meet up with Mr Ketut once more. Wearing the singlet and pants he gave to me, to relive the best holiday in Bali I've ever had.

The End

PS: The characters, names of objects, events, descriptions of places are all FICTIONAL. They are not real and are all made up by me. Well I wish I can experience such an awesome holiday though. Who knows, right?

We Are

I'm currently listening to the recording of the song We Are! (band version) played by the SPSB. Yep, I am playing in the recording as well. I was a player in the concert Musical Delights XXXIV in which the song was recorded during. And it was my first time playing in Esplenade. And somehow, it feels good to listen to a song in which you're involved inside it. You're a player, a musician of that song. It feels wonderful.

As a musician, performing in Esplenade is, and has always been one of my biggest dreams. I have performed there, and to me, 23/1/2011 was one of the happiest days of my life. It was when my concert was held. Even though it was a tiring, hectic and sort of emotional day, it's a day which I will never forget. A day where my dream came true.

And of course, not forgetting those "things" which had happened earlier before the concert, way before. But anyway, I told myself that during the concert, I'm going to put that aside, somewhere far from my heart. I'm going to play like how a musician should play, and that I would really enjoy myself on that day.

And yes I did. I enjoyed myself, and I've put my best shot.

Even though many people don't recognise me in band. Who am I, what's my name, how do I look like, what instrument I'm playing, I'm just here to say: I am very honoured to play with you guys. With these talented and wonderful musicians whom share a same passion as mine. We all played together, well, and impressed the audience. Most importantly, we had fun, we had one of the best times of our lives :)

It's been a week since the concert. I'm sort of missing it. The moments I had as I performed on that grand stage of the Esplenade concert hall. The practices, which ended late, the times I had when I walked to the bus stop with my friend. And not to forget, the days I used to have counting down to the concert. I remember I've counted down from 2 months before, 1 month, and finally, 1 day.

Realising my dream, finding where my passion lays, is one of the happiest things in life. In my heart, in my mind, I just hope that this can continue. I really love performing as a musician, impressing the audiences, playing along with other musicians in a wonderful concert.

Next stop? I want to play a solo there. I want to conduct a band/symphony there. It's not far from my grasp, I know. It's there. I'll just have to wait, and work.

We are a great bunch of musicians.

But I do hope that the situation, gets better and better.

Yep. It will

Cerf-volant (Kite) from Les Choristes

Cerf-volant
Volant au vent
Ne t'arrête pas
Vers la mer
Haut dans les airs
Un enfant te voit
Voyage insolent
Troubles enivrants
Amours innocentes
Suivent ta voie
Suivent ta voie
En volant

Cerf-volant
Volant au vent
Ne t'arrête pas
Vers la mer
Haut dans les airs
Un enfant te voit
Et dans la tourmente
Tes ailes triomphantes
N'oublie pas de revenir
Vers moi

Let me try translating this, with the help of Google translate and my little bit of French :)

Kite, flying in the wind.

Not stopping, flying to the ocean

Upwards, on the air, seen by a child.

Travelling insolently, an intoxicating journey

An innocent love, following your way

And fly

Kite, flying in the wind

Not stopping, flying towards the ocean

Upwards, on the air, seen by a child

As you're caught in the storm

But your wings, triumphantly spreading

Don't forget, to come back

To me :)