Music?

I've been in a dilemna for the past few weeks. As you all know, I'm a member of the band of my school. A symphonic band. I've been in a band for the past 6 years, playing the clarinet and the flute (for only 1.5 years though). Of course, I enjoy music making, and that's the reason why I joined band. I've been wanting to join a musical ensemble since I'm in primary school.

I wanted to join the Chinese orchestra. But sadly my secondary school doesn't have it. But to me, the band is fine. And I joined the band in the end. Life as a musician is really nice. In my secondary school, my band was pretty small. We're only a 34 member band. Yes, we might not sound as good as the others but somehow, it's our small size that brought us closer to one another.

Band was something I really enjoyed doing. Something that I kinda look forward to every week, even though it's pretty tiring at times. When others can go home after school, we have to stay back from 3-6 for band twice a week. We have our homework and tests and assignments. But we still go to band.

To me, making music is one of life's most joyous things to do. I myself, love to make music. I love to play the piano, sing, play the clarinet, and the flute. Inclusive of the random beatings I like to do on my table or some random objects. Music is a part of my life. And when it's missing, I seriously can't live without it! This is not some statement. Is a fact.

That's why I think it's a lie for someone to say that they can live without music. Cause in one way or another, we all need music in our lives.

Then now comes the problem.

As much as I love music, there are also other things I have to juggle with - studies. Yes, music is a part of my life. But I can't really say that it's MY life. I still have other priorities in life, and one of them is studies. With the new semester, a new way of teaching is being implemented to us. This new method involves many presentations, research and reports. With my band happening twice a week. I really question myself whether I can juggle both properly.

I was kind of "suffering" last semester. It's either me, or well, things just happen at the wrong timing. I was having a concert 10 days before my exams. And I was really. I mean really, I think that was the most stressful moment of my poly life. It's so tough to juggle practices and studies. And what made it worst was the fact that I was having tests around that period.

Then I began to question if I'll be able to juggle this semester well. With the fact that this concert will be an even major one, a bigger one, can I handle it? And with tougher pieces, with the sectional competitions and more pieces, they mean more practices, more sectionals. And with more sectionals and more presentations. I really don't think they're of a good mix.

Sure, I can always try. I always tell myself till you never try then you'll never know. But I really don't want to disappoint my band friends. Especially my section leader. I don't want to drop out halfway. To just simply not play for the concert in the middle of the practices. And yet at the same time, I don't want to just give up now. I'm in one freaking dilemna.

Sigh, and there's one more thing.

Somehow, I feel that band is no longer something I look forward to every week. I'm not sure why, I'm not sure how, I'm not sure what. I'm not sure it's the people, or it's just me. After that trip, I feel really weird and empty about band. It feels like I'm surrounded with people and at the same time I'm being invisible there. I've many stories and cases. Sometimes I don't know what to do. 


Then I also wonder, is it possible to actually lose your passion in band, but not losing your passion for music? Cause that's what I'm feeling right now. I'm losing the passion for band. But I know that I will never lose my passion for music.


Sigh, such a hard decision to make. I don't know.