Have you ever wondered, or felt this kind of feeling before? This... Empty feeling. Not saying that you're emotionless, AKA not happy, not sad, not stressed, not relaxed. I don't know how to put it in words. It's just empty. That's the only word that can explain it. It feels weird I know, but have you felt that way?
I do, and I always do.
I don't know what causes it, it's just this really empty feeling that I can't describe. For me, the feeling is accompanied by this heart-wrenching feeling. Like a tad feeling of someone pinching your heart, or poking it with needles. It's the same feeling as my after-holiday-trips feeling. Empty. Not that you're moodless to do things or something like that.
I'm going round and round, I've realised.
Nevertheless, I've been back in my hometown for a week now. I'm happy that I've finished quite a lot of things, yes it really sucked to have exams waiting for you ahead of your holiday, and assignments, waiting to be done before the holiday comes to an end. But at the same time, I'm intrigued. Who knows the new system of exams-after-holidays is better?
Which I doubt so.
And of course going back means... Thinking of "those things". Never fail to do so, and I hate it a lot to think about that. But it's inevitable. I guess it is evitable. I just have to do two things. Think positively, and always hope for the best. And these two things are not something that's easily achieved. It's hard you know, sometimes to do things that somehow go against you, or something like that.
I would like to take this holiday to rejuvenate. 7 weeks of poly life in year 2 is not really a smooth and easy path we all take. I'm sure all of us deserve this good holiday to rejuvenate as well. And yes, I deserve it too. But oh well. this holiday to me will be a self-deserving one. I'll be the one that plans how this holiday can happen to allow me to rejuvenate as well.
I've been in constant thought of the future, of what he had told me, of lots of things. I hate thinking of all these things and try my best to get away from them as far, as much, as possible. It's just heartbreaking, and painful both in the physical and mental way. And of course, I will always, as always, tell myself to just live the present to the fullest. And let time take me to the future.
Sometimes people say. You work hard for yourself, and not for others. To my content, it's true. I'll just continue to work hard, for myself. For the sense of my own satisfaction, for the sense of my own accomplishment. It's pointless to think of this and that. I guess life will just take its course naturally. Law of attraction.
I am one selfish bitch. But I can't help it.
C'est la vie, que sera sera. Lets just live the present to the fullest, the future's not for us to see, que sera sera.
Sigh...
12 minutes :)
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