Who I am

I have never really openly write about this anywhere but well I feel like it so here I am.

Growing up has been an interesting journey for me. With the fact that I'm turning 21 soon, there's one question that I still have in my mind. A question I ask myself yet I don't dare to ask anyone else. Like many others in this world, it's a rather sensitive issue that's pretty hard to accept by. But also something that holds my own identity.

Yes I'm talking about my sexuality.

I guess since young I know I'm in some way different. Honestly I've only come to terms with myself just recently about a few years ago. Back in secondary school I am still denying myself? And don't talk about primary school (although there are a few incidences). But yup just a couple of years back, that's when I begin to tell myself, to comfort myself.

It's always a question that I have that why or how am I attracted to the someone who's of the same gender as me. Back in secondary school it was just a matter of "liking" like I mean just liking. But I guess as I grow older I begin to imagine myself having contacts with some people. Physical contacts, or even a relationship.

It's pretty funny how when I was young I always deem this thing as taboo but not knowing that as I grow up, I am one member of this "taboo" I once talked about.

And the future seems really bleak with me now that I'm in a country where homosexuality is still a taboo. And also, a family who also thinks this is taboo.

I guess like I once said

We all have secrets that make us who we are.

Susah

Translates to difficult. Difficult, of a lot of things. Life is difficult, living life is difficult. Well surely it's not something pleasant to talk about but well, what's life without difficulty. It wouldn't be life after all. I've been wanting to write here and well couldn't find the time and the mood to. I know, we don't find time but make time. But mood is hard. It's like I need the stars to be perfectly aligned in a beautiful constellation to write. Just kidding but yeah.

Well I'm back now. Here am I in a new chapter of my life. Embarking on a new journey, stepping into a new story of my life. I believe we are all born into a book. All beautifully divided into chapters. We are the writers of these chapters, but life has given us all these "chapters" to write upon. Once we finish one we move on to another. And then we reach the epilogue and that's it. Our stories become the memories of others' and hopefully it's a good memory to them.

Now life is difficult when suddenly you have... A chapter that is pre-written. We are just there to complete the story. Maybe there are empty words and empty pages and we're just here to fill them up. Perhaps in life we are not allowed to skip this chapter and we just have to write them and complete them down. Feels like we have no choice but to do so.

But then again maybe, it IS the chapter written for us.

I don't know, I think these are the age or probably this is MY age of rebellion. When your heart battles with what you want to do, and what you have to do. In my case it's a three battle. What I want to do, have to do, and promised to do. I guess I'm just saying all these because I'm not used to life. Maybe I have just stepped into this and as I do, life has lost its previous momentum. And I just have to gain my momentum once more. To get used to it and be fine.

I've always believed that life is a constant battle. Between finding the truth, wanting to find the answer. Seeking out why you are born here for, and searching what you really want to do in life. It's a constant struggle and battle.

Sometimes I tell myself to not think about it because to be honest, it gets tiring. Both emotionally and physically. And at the same time, everyday I can't stop thinking about it. Mind-fucked by life that is the right way to explain how I feel.

Happiness. One word, difficult to explain and wish for, and create.

How to be someone you don't want to be

Tell me how to be someone you don't want to be.
Could you please tell me?

How to be someone you never thought of becoming, to be someone you never imagine of becoming. To be someone who's never in your mind. To be someone, a person that is out of your imagination. To walk away from your dream and to walk into another path you never imagine of walking into.

It's funny how my mind is resisting the thought of me, becoming someone.
Yet at the same time it's dying to let go, to surrender to that thought.

They say freedom come to those who deserve.

So at times I tell myself that maybe this time round, I don't deserve to get this freedom that I want. Maybe bad things will happen if I get this freedom now, but not later. Maybe this is the path that life has given me, and it's better for me to take it and take it with care.

I will hold on to my dreams. Tightly, like a pollen on the body of a bee. Waiting to fall over onto a stigma of a flower to pollinate. And then it will become a fruit, like the fruit of labour.

I just wish I can fulfill the dreams of my distant memories.
Rather than being revisited by the memories, of a distant dream.

Life changer

Have you ever felt, have you ever wondered about things. Things that, when you didn't meet, when you didn't find and when you didn't discover, would change the way your life is now? Well I do haha. Being a sentimental person, a lot of things, which, if I would never find or do in my life, would make my life so different now.

But things don't have to be an event.

I'm talking about music - my favourite music, Sigur Ros.

I'll be watching their concert for the second time in my life this Friday. And for the first time I'll be watching a concert in my homeland. I really really can't wait for Friday to come. I've been waiting for this day for the past 4 months haha. And well listening to their songs again and again, make me really feel how blessed and lucky I am to find this band. To have known them through a friend of mine and it's all by accident. I'm just so glad, because if I were to not find them, life will be so different.

Different in many ways. Sigur Ros taught me the real meaning of music.

And they changed the way I think about life. Just by listening to their songs.

I remember when I first watched them live back in Singapore last year, it was so magical. Truly an experience I will never forget in my life. It was so amazing, so spiritual, I feel like I was in a trance in the last moments of their concert. Just so amazing.

I want to experience it again and again. So this Friday will be my second time experiencing their live concert. Then I wish to experience more and more of it in the future. Till I can't, or they can't give the experience anymore. Which of course I hope not so soon.

Friday come faster! :)

Happiness

The hardest thing to do in life, to achieve in life, is to be happy.

Not being the most successful man on earth, nor the richest. But to be happy.

We often overlook the word happy, as a small tiny word. Not much of a meaning behind it. It's a word we use almost everyday. I feel happy, we feel happy, you feel happy. I'm happy that, we're happy that. I'm happy to, we're happy to. Yet I feel there's more to "happy" than just this five letter word. Being happy, is really something we ought to treasure and to feel proud about. And to be happy all your life, is almost the same as achieving enlightenment.

So why do I say being happy in life is such a hard thing to do?

Because being happy, is the ability to do all these:

To make lemonades out of the lemons life throws at you
To walk on the rain, and dance in the storm
To climb a mountain like taking a stroll in the park
To be rich, without feeling rich and;
To be poor, without feeling poor
To be satisfied with what you have and
To make the best of everything you have
To dance when no one is looking and
To sing when no one is hearing
To sing in front of deaf people and make them smile
To dance in front of blind people and make them cry
To welcome the day seeing the beautiful sunrise
To smile watching the sunset no matter how bad the day went
To wish not for the rain to end but the rainbow to appear

If you find any of these easy, then you never know what happiness is.

Come back

Hello again, it's been quite long since I wrote here. In fact I've been wanting to. But I was just having a great time overseas for my graduation trip. And of course I enjoyed myself. Forgetting the future, not caring about the past. Enjoying the moment like how we all should be. Now I'm back, and withdrawal syndrome got the better of me. I find it hard to adapt back!

Walking on the streets today feel really different, although I've walked these streets over and over again. I'm sure it's the fact that I am no longer a student here. I told myself that the next time I come back here, things will be different. And indeed it is. It feels so surreal that my school life has come to an end. What's there to come, what's gonna happen, I don't know.

As you can see from the previous posts, I seem to be reluctant about moving on. I always tell myself that it's gonna be tough and so on. Today I was just pondering upon myself. Perhaps it's time for me to come back to myself. To look into myself again. And to tell myself that it is really coming to an end. Life feels different for sure, and telling yourself to stop is sometimes difficult.

Remember the times when we're young (not saying I'm old) and life seems to be something we all always enjoy. Then now, we're all faced with the unknown, and of course, being human, and filled with denial, we tell ourselves... No, we don't wish to stop. But I guess the time is now for me to tell myself that it's all over, and a new life needs to begin.

And no one can live this life but myself.

And it is also perhaps because of myself too.

I think I've filled myself with too many negative emotions that I shouldn't be filling with. I filled myself with fear and I filled myself with loads of unnecessary thoughts. Like the body, you are what you eat. And that you are what you think. What you tell yourself, will be yourself. What you think, will be yourself too. It's a bad habit, but we gotta kick it out.

Sometimes I always wonder where all these negative thoughts come from. It's just there, I don't produce it (I feel), I mean who wants to produce bad thoughts right? But whenever something new happens, whenever we embark on a journey, there is always a moment whereby we think of these negative thoughts we all should not be thinking. And it's hard.

You know, it's like faith. To me faith is going to bed every night, thinking that tomorrow will always come, although we do have the chance that it will not. And just like faith, doubt is there too. Doubt is like going to bed every night, thinking tomorrow may not come, but of course it will come. It is there, something within us that lurk inside us whenever we start something new.

I need to be more positive. I need to stop thinking so much. I need to fill my head more with all these positive thoughts. The past is gone and the future isn't here yet. So let's just hop on the merry-go-round of life and enjoy the present to the fullest!

Edge of a cliff

Hello again, I'm finally writing here. I've been wanting to, and just couldn't find the time. Or when I wanted to write, something must have cropped up  and thus I couldn't. Nevertheless I'm here. It's been... 20 days since I'm here. Life, has been nice I guess. Not bad, but not great either. I mentioned how much I'm feeling empty one week after I got here. That emptiness has been handled quite well with my heart now. And I'm still getting used to the life here, adapting.

My social media platforms have been flooded with lots of my friends' posts. About acceptance letter, about university admissions, about scholarships and so on and forth. And I truly feel happy for them. I hate waiting, and to know they have been accepted they must have felt that huge sense of relief and joy. Even more when they have been accepted to the courses they have been wanting to go in to. While some are still anxiously waiting for their letters to come.

So in my head pops a question. Did I make the right choice?

Did I make the right choice of going back, and not continuing to pursue my study. Did I make the wrong choice. Am I going back too fast. Am I making my decision too fast. All these questions are popping inside my head quickly, everyday.

On one side I have my parents to feel worried for. They are no longer young, and to know that I'm back, I'm sure they felt a huge sense of relief, that at least another of their sons is back to accompany them. I too feel that I should go back. I realised my parents are growing old. They were the ones who were holding me when I was walking when I was young. Now I am the one holding them, sometimes, when they are walking along. Time has been moving too fast. I suppose.

On another side, the number 21 pops into my head. My age. Am I too young to actually step into this "life" I'm going to venture to? The working life. A totally brand new life that is completely different from the school life I've been living for. No more friends but colleagues. No more teachers but uhh bosses? Life will be more stressful, that is for sure. Am I too young to handle all these? Will I be able to handle them? Or should I continue studying for a while more before I start?

The past three weeks, I've been thinking and contemplating. About life and about all these.

Well I reckon that life itself, is like a journey. I'm sure we all know that. But I put it as a journey of a water. First, when we're young, we begin like water in a lake on top of a mountain. Very nice life, calm, sun is always shining and the blue sky accompanying you. Life is pretty much calm and normal, to put it "like it is". Imagine water in a lake. Calm and nice, nothing much going on, right?

And then as we enter the teenage years, we begin to leave this lake for a small river that leads to a waterfall. Things start to get exciting and fast. And although things start to get fast, there is at least a direction we're heading to. And somehow, we don't have to care about this direction. Where the stream is taking us to and so on. We're just, enjoying the ride. Life is pretty exciting!

And then from that small river, we are at a waterfall. This is when we step into young adulthood. We're standing at the edge of a waterfall, and we take a leap of faith to the place we want to go. It can be quite scary for sure, but this is when we decide where to go. This is when we decide what we want to do. And that exciting life we had when we were teens helped us to push us from the edge of this waterfall. We took a leap of faith, and down down down we go!

From that huge and tall waterfall we took a jump of faith, and we arrived to a gushing and rushing river. Or should I say, rapids. Rushing river filled with huge rocks and stones. Sometimes fallen logs we have to avoid of get over. Life gets tougher, but we have no choice but to get through it. And I reckon this is the adult stage. Where life revealed more of itself to us. No longer a calm lake, nor a small river, or one waterfall we have to jump upon. But many rocks, stones, logs and so on and forth to get over. Over and over again. And that's life I suppose.

And.... Eventually this rushing river ends up in the beach. A nice beach that leads to the great ocean. But from this ocean, we are alone. All alone. We swim and we swim without anyone telling us where to. We follow the wind, the current and the condition of the ocean itself. Sometimes there are storms to go through, sometimes a little bit of rain, sometimes the sun shines like there's no tomorrow. But eventually we'll reach the island we've been wanting to arrive at, or must I say... An island we all have to arrive at, and that's a destination we know as death.

And that's life. It's not about the island we need to reach, but the journey we all have to go through.

But now, I feel that well yup I have went through the lake, the small river, and even the waterfall. But that gushing river? Maybe a bit. In fact I feel that I'm not standing at the edge of a cliff facing the great ocean. And the ocean is just waiting for me to jump, or to not jump yet until I'm ready. And I'm all so confused about the decision that I need to take. Part of me says I should jump, and another of me says I shouldn't. And well I must say the cliff is one huge fucking cliff unlike the waterfall. So the decision is really crucial and important to me.

Sigh, I really don't know what to do at times. Am I ready to leave this youth world, this life, that I've been living for the past three years for this brand new adventure that will definitely be tougher? Will I be able to do the things I always loved to do back then, in the future? Or will I forget the life I used to have and be engulfed in the sea of work? Will I forget day and night, weekday and weekend? Or will I still be able to live the life I've always dreamed and wished about.

A lot of questions in my head. A lot.

Not a single of them is answered.

That's all, folks!

Hello, it's been ages since I wrote here, quite literally. 17 days haha. But anyway here I am writing in the comfort of my room in my hometown. Yup I have went back now. Not really for a holiday, because I will no longer come back to Singapore for school. No longer coming back to school for lessons. No longer having that excitement for what the new semester has in store for me. And it feels weird.

It feels so surreal that my life is Singapore has come to an end, 11 years. And tonight it officially comes to a close because I just received my results. Which I'm pretty happy for. I can't believe I did so well, but well on the other hand too, I am glad that I managed to fulfill the promise I made to myself 6 months ago. And I'm happy that the hard work I've put in for this have paid off :)

Oh yes, and results mean that I have (un)officially graduated.

It's been a week since I'm back now. For the past week I've been feeling rather empty and hollow. It's quite sad how every day I woke up feeling empty. Realising and telling myself that "hey I'm no longer coming back to Singapore to study". That all these days and years have finally come to an end. It really feels so surreal. that this chapter of mine has come to an end.

I've been thinking every night, and throughout random times of the day, of the things I will miss about Singapore. About my life there, the usual things I do throughout the week, which will no longer happen once I'm back here.

Like,

Having Monday blues for school every Sunday night
Going grocery shopping every Sunday, followed by a run
And going to the temple in the morning
Going somewhere random, alone, to chill and lepak
Chatting with my friends in school
Studying at night, talking to myself
Cooking in the kitchen
Having conversations with my lecturers
Going for snack shopping at the supermarket below my block
And also paying my bills there
Having my hair cut at Clementi with the same barber
Chilling at night with TV or surfing internet randomly
Playing the piano
Going to town with friends on the weekend
Or for a drink on Friday nights

And many, many more.

Today I came with a conclusion. That the thing I missed the most is to actually - be alone. To be independent, doing many things alone, whenever and wherever I want. To be able to make my own choices, to go wherever  I want to go and do whatever I want to do. I treasured that so now, when I miss it, I tell myself that I'm glad I had the chance to do those.

And I'm also glad that I went "full-force" with life for the past two years. I did a lot of things I once doubted myself I couldn't accomplish. Climbed a mountain, ran 7 races, do this and that. Regrets will always be there I guess. But hey no point of regretting. I've lived my life till now and I will never be able to go back to do the things I wished I could do now.

Besides, regrets must come late. If they come early, life wouldn't be fun. No more second chances, no more second tries, no more trying again. There's no challenge!

I'm still trying to adapt to the new life here. I have to stop feeling sad and empty too. It's just another phase in life that I'm trying to adjust to, trying to live to. Just like the Buddhist teaching of Anicca, that nothing is permanent, I'm sure this stage will disappear too, and life will just go on, on its own.

Alright till then, I'll see you again.

My Piano

Tonight was definitely one of the saddest night of my life. Was feeling horrible, sad and just wrecked. Couldn't help but to actually break down in front of my piano (or keyboard, but I prefer to call it piano heh). But crying felt really good, like really good.

Can't believe it's been about 6 years since this piano of mine accompanied me here in Singapore. I bought it on September 07, still remember. And since then, it definitely made my life here so much better. Back then I didn't think of this night, of tomorrow.

Of course I couldn't possibly bring this home, for it's too heavy and plus I have another one back at home. So I was left with two choices, sell/donate it, or give it to someone else. I would choose the latter. For I want to make sure my piano lands on a person who will use it earnestly, and happily. Selling it was the last thing on my mind. Who knows it will land to someone who will abuse it - rather than enjoy its time together?

So I found a friend whom I decided to give my piano to. And I know she will treat it well. At least my heart is at peace.

We played covers, write songs, sing songs (who cares if I'm not a good singer) but ultimately:

I can't bear to let it go, to say goodbye. The piano is a non-living thing that is as alive and as good as a friend can be. When I'm sad he brightens me up, when I'm angry he calms me down. When I have a problem I share it with him. He may not give me the solution but he will at least calm me down. He's really my good friend since sec 2. Someone who is there, when no one isn't.

And it's just hard to say farewell to him.

I will miss those days where I would play the piano looking at the sky. Cause it made me feel like I can do anything. Those days when my day feels like shit and he brightens everything up.

Well to my piano, my Yamaha P-70 Electronic piano, thank you for everything. For being a great friend, a good listener, a wonderful teacher . Thank you for your kind words, your kind company. And thank you for the music. Basically, for everything.

May you bring joy to your new owner as much as you did bring to me in these past 6 years. I will treasure you and the moments that we had together for life. So once again,

Thank you for everything :')

People

Right, hello there again. Can't believe that my life in polytechnic has officially come to an end! No more assignments, no more exams, no more projects. I'm... Free! Well not really cause I'll be rather busy with the going back. For I'm returning home after this. So I'm tidying up my place and so on so it's gonna be quite a busy one. Nevertheless, I can't believe I'm done with poly. Three years seems to go by pretty quickly. Feels like it was two (instead of three) that I entered in year one!

Though I must say, the three years went a tad slower as compared to the 4 years of secondary school.

Although I'm a science student, the three years in poly have also taught me something else - people. They have taught me more about people. Human interaction, behavior and thoughts. And it's something I'm glad to have "picked up" along the way, accidentally or co-incidentally. Well I suppose we can't escape this. For in poly we made many interactions with many people. For projects, studies, co-curriculum activities, outings and many more. We made many friends too. Unless you're those handful that decide to either be alone or have your own cliques, for the entire three years.

Nevertheless... Let's not talk about that but people. Well I have to say that the three years have taught me different things about people. Why do people behave in this way, why do people do this, and not do that. Why do people talk like that, why do people act like that. The different types of friends I have in poly and also the different types of people I dislike. Everything that happened in the past three years seems to be one valuable lesson for me. And I will treasure it.

I remember we have a module in year one and it's called "Our Nation Our World" or also known as ONOW. Basically it's a module that is about current affairs and character building thingy. But I remember clearly that for our first lesson, my lecturer decided to kick it off with one activity. So we have a set of questions to be answered. And after that from the results we obtained, we move to 4 different corners of the classroom. I was in one corner with like... One more friend only.

Not sure if you've heard about the test but so basically the 4 corners represent:
- Easygoing informal
- Easygoing formal
- Assertive informal
- Assertive formal

Four groups of people. Four different personalities. And well different groups of people work well/not well with certain kind of people. Well guess where do I belong? Apparently I'm in the easygoing informal people. So I'm someone who's easygoing, go with the flow, submissive, cheerful and happy. And I work well with the same group of people or the assertive people - because at the end of the day I will most probably end up submitting to them.

Well back then I told myself what's so special about the test... It's just a personality test... I'm not going to believe it... Tralala life is good. But hey at the end of the 5th semester, everything that I know from this test makes sense. I look around me, I think back of the groups I've met and the people I came across with, then I realised why I clashed with some people, why I work well with some people, why some people work well with other people and so on and so forth.

As much easygoing as I can be, if something is against my will, I will definitely say no. I would say I'm a quiet kind of guy. If something is against me I'll keep quiet or find alternative ways to rebut back to that person. But I won't go in an outburst to say @#$@%#$( and then we'll end up fighting or something like that. I guess I treasure our friendship/relationship more than my ego.

Okay and I'm not being a prejudice here but I realised a trend of some people - those in the "higher" grounds, if you know what I mean. They have more peaks than curbs (A vs C). Somehow most of the assertive formal people that I've met are people who are on those higher grounds. And then the rest is just a mix. And in fact to be honest, I've never met someone who's smart and is easygoing. Really no offense though! That's just how I feel.

It's rather scary to know what people would do for marks, and I even heard stories, how cunning and sly they would do to get to the top. I thought all these only happen in TV but hey no, it's happening in front of my eyes heh. But at the same time, I'm not surprised.

Then there are the different behaviors and personalities that I come across. How some people behave on social media is really different on how they behave in reality. Or sometimes, their social behavior reflect their personalities - or their past. I guess I am slowly picking up the art of reading people's mind and their behaviors. To why they act in a certain way. I'm not a certified psychologist so my thoughts may not be a 100% accurate. But well, somehow they are explainable.

And last but not least, the friends.

Since the beginning of poly, or even life. I don't know why but I'm not a clique person. I'm not someone who will revolve my life around a group of people. Where we'll eat together, study together, share life together and so on. I deem myself more of a floater. I talk to people I wanna talk with, study with people who want to study with me, and so on. I do have a couple of good friends who stayed by my side for these three years, and I'm thankful for them. And I even have a really close friend who's really literally been together with me from beginning to end.

Looking back, I do most things alone. I would drag myself to school to study alone. If I have to eat alone I will. If I have to do this alone I will. I'm glad I don't have to rely on others. I don't have to NEED a clique to be with, and in fact I don't wish to. I'm a floater and everyone can be my friend and yeah. Once again I suppose I treasure my relationship more than my ego. I would rather keep quiet than hate. Why's there a need to hate anyway?

With the drama I'm having in my class, I choose not to take sides. I still talk to people of both sides. And I keep quiet cause I know my words won't get anywhere anyway. But nevertheless, yes, I guess one of the greatest achievement I "unlocked" is that I have no cliques in poly. And I'm happy with that! Means I'm being myself I suppose? :)

Well so yeah. Apart from all the wonderful science knowledge I obtained. I also learnt a great lesson about people in poly from the things I went through. The people I work with, the people I met, the people I come across with, the politics, the drama, the events that took place. Basically the three eventful years in poly have made me learnt a lot about people. How people behave, why people behave in a certain way, why some people can't work together and why some are like cookies and cream. Definitely, a lesson worth learning!

Oh well, au voir poly. Thanks for teaching me about many things apart from science ;)

Homesick - Kings of Convenience

I find listening to songs I love, then typing out the lyrics as the song plays on really therapeutic.
So here it is. This is Homesick by Kings of Convenience.

Homesick by Kings of Convenience

I lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
But I can't stop listening to the sound
Of two soft voices, blended in perfection
From the reels of this record that I found

Everyday there's a boy in the mirror
Asking me what are you doing here
Finding all my previous motives
Growing increasingly unclear

I travelled and I burned all the bridges
I believe as soon as I hit land
All the other options held before me
Withered in the light of my plan

So I lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
But there's only one thing on my mind
Searching boxes underneath the counter
On a chance that on the tape I found

A song for
Someone who needs somewhere
To long for

Homesick
Cause I no longer know
Where home is

I can foresee myself in the future. Listening to this song again and crying my heart out. It's really a good song, and somehow it speaks to me. It tells me the story that I'm currently now in. I will miss this sunny island. When I'm home, I'll get homesick of my second home too.

A certain kind of sadness

No I'm not talking about Gotye's song, cause this certain kind of sadness is not something I would want to get addicted to. I'm just talking about this certain kind of sadness I've been feeling for the past two weeks or so? Basically since the year has started. Perhaps the reason why I couldn't sleep every night is because of all these thoughts, running discreetly in my mind. Of course I may not be thinking of these physically. But somewhere at the back of my heart, of my mind, they are running wildly.

I've always told myself not to think about it. As you may know, I'm kind of a positive person. Instead of thinking the negative things, I always try my best not to. I will just think of the positive things ahead, or the difficult one - of the positive things of these negative things. Because as we all know nothing is perfectly beautiful nor perfectly ugly. So everything, has a beauty on it.

The future, is this one thing I try not to think about too. Because I believe in the Buddhist teaching of living the moment, the present, earnestly. Of course I would anticipate the future. I'll plan ahead, of what I want to do. But I try not to be bothered by it. By the challenges that may come, the things I wish would never happen but definitely will. I think we all do though, it's like, we can't escape from it fully. No matter what, we'll be reminded of it.

I know, time is time, the future will come, no matter how much you don't want it to. Tomorrow will come, even if you wish today would last forever. Sometimes, you wish tomorrow will come because today was so horrible. And once again I always believe in the Buddhist teaching of Anicca - the contemplation of impermanence. That nothing is permanent, and all things will rise and go away, lost in the abyss of time. And even time, is impermanent too.

It feels horrible, to somehow have this huge burden above your shoulder. Day by day, it seems like this burden is increasing and increasing. It truly feels like the world is on my back, and all my heart wishes is to have the world leaving me. That's why these days, I just wish to be alone. Every night I don't feel like doing anything (which is bad cause I have work to do). Every night I just wish to escape into this shell of mine and just be myself. To forget the world and its content.

I wish I can just let go of everything. I want to be myself once again. I just want to be with me. Yet there are always things that would remind me of the bitter things. It feels really tough, really. Conversation about that, and yet, there's always this tendency that they want me to leave quickly. I know he can't wait for me to return. But I don't. Can I just have more time? For one last time? Please? I'm already returning. And I wish for more time. Is it hard to ask for?

It's just so painful. Sometimes we just wish, to be understood. Sometimes I tell myself, I think it's enough to understand people. Why can't people understand me? It was so painful when he told me "yeah for the last time" on New Year's Eve. My heart wrenched deeply. It's so pain. I suppose it feels nothing for him. But to me, it really means a lot. Like seriously a lot.

I've thought of talking everything out with him, yet deeply I know he will disagree, and he will give lots of reasons. And sometimes I know it's useless, though a part of me wishes that it will be okay. Just talk things out, just let it be. But sigh, at some point of time, I just somehow know it will turn into a useless discussion. An empty one that goes pointless.

Sometimes I just want to ask the world. Isn't this sacrifice enough? Haven't I done enough? Then how come I don't deserve this? In another part, I tell myself, maybe I'm too selfish. But when I weigh this sacrifice, and the wish I'm asking for, my sacrifice is way heavier. Don't you think so too? Right?

I don't know what to do.

But I need to stop this kind of sadness.

Because bright days are ahead of me.

Free from me

Right, so it's been a really really long time since I wrote here... Well yup you've missed out a lot! I guess. It's the 18th of December and yeah, my internship has ended and so thus my big project. I'm really glad that it's all over now. In fact as you know it, back then I've been wanting for all of these to end. And well it has all now come to an end so yup. Time to rejoice, time to just have fun.

Whatever happened, happened. And I've decided to leave all grudges about these bitter moments. Moreover, all these days have turned into memories. And memories are things that will never return. And thus bad, good bitter sweet memories, all gone and will no longer return. So yes, let's not bear whatever grudges anymore shall we.

Anyway... Today I want to rant! Really unlike of me to rant in my blog. Okay maybe I shouldn't really call it ranting. How about to put it this way - Sharing my views.

As you all know I'm back in my hometown now after this like 7 months of _____. Well I really love to have, a break. A holiday.  A period of time where I can just do whatever I want, rest, go somewhere and have fun. Perhaps I'm just being "brainwashed" by the dreamy reality of the delusional views of reality. The "stereotype" events where after school = holidays = fun and yay! Go all out and be crazy.

As I once said, we are all selfish in one way or another. There is no way we can deny that. Like I literally mean, no way. No one is truly, fully, not-selfish. I'm pretty sure at one point of time in your life, there were acts where you are selfish with the second party. Sometimes we're selfish, for our own goodsake. But most of the time I suppose - it's the other way round.

And with the Buddhist teaching of Anatta - or non-self. I always believe that we're truly free, not when we're free from the chains of external things. But we're only free when we're able to free ourselves, from ourselves. Sounds hard to understand? Well basically, we're only free, when we let go of ourselves. When there's no longer I in me. And...

I guess it's rather impossible to do so.

I suppose we are only truly free - when we die. When we let go of everything in this merry-go-round we called life. Once we let go of life, we let go of everything, we let go of us. And I'm sure no one wants to die early just to free yourself right? Not worth it. There are times we have to live and of course only when the time is right, when we reached the end point to life, we'll e able to then "die" and fully free ourselves. No I am not being suicidal here.

I'm always torn between two paths I suppose. The path where I wish people would understand me. And another where I somehow tell myself - no you should understand people. This is where the distinction of stubborn people, nice people, Mr Nice Guy and Mr not-so-nice guy and everything else, appear. The path, where do you walk more on? That's where you stand and you know where you're going. And what kind of people are you.

Everytime I go back, I have a wish. To have a holiday. Well of course I do. I'm having a holiday where I don't have to go to school, to go to work, to do my project. But I guess there's a missing part in which I want to do the things I want to do. Plan out things which I wanna do and ACTUALLY carry them out. I would really love to just spend my days lazying around at home doing nothing, doing what I want to do. Basically doing something I wasn't able to do in the past couple of long long months. As and when I wish. Without walking the "no you should understand others" path. You know.

I realise on the other hand too, that I've been a middleman all of my life. Torn between two parties, but I know I don't want to side any. I guess this is what making me an indecisive guy. And also someone who's not walking on neither paths mentioned above.But well what's worst than choosing the path you want to walk, is to walk the path you don't have any intention of walking on.

Well. I... Still don't know what to do. Couple of years I've been feeling this and somehow I feel I have no one to talk to but you (awww...) so yeah. Thanks for listening! Felt good after this rant. All I can do now is to well, wish that my remaining days here would get brighter and brighter! And I know they will. Because happiness comes from within!

Decisions and future

Hello all, it's been quite a long time since I wrote here. Been pretty busy with project and work and... Well it's already hard to update my daily blog. Imagine keep on updating this blog. I'll just write here whenever I can and wherever I can. Currently I'm back in my hometown for a short weekend. I'll just be back till Monday. And then yeah, reality will sink in.

Though I wish for this trip back home to be something nice and rejuvenating, where it is a chance for me to relax and rest after 7.5 months of attachment, and also after one hectic week (last week), well perhaps maybe not. The first night I was here, reality strikes me again. Last night I wish I could sleep in peace but somehow before I sleep, thoughts were running wild in my head and I don't know why. Though thankfully, in the end, I managed to fall asleep without notice.

I know I have made the decision back when the year has just started. And I know deep that I will not make any more other decisions. Though when I arrived last night, there might be a huge change that will happen when I grow up. Now I'm afraid of my decision. Though I have made the decision, and my heart seems to be appeased with it. My mind, my future and my thoughts are all in one piece, in one peace.

But whenyou ask me if I'm still afraid of the future,

I'm afraid the answer is still a yes. 

Quite funny how I made this decision when the year started. And along the way there are things I wish I can do when I grow up as well. All these plans that I've been telling to my friends, now seems to hand on the edge of a cliff. Not knowing to fall, or to stand in fear, or to get out of the place and stand strong. I must make the best out of this.

Life can be filled with disappointments, and uncertainties. But like every rose has its thorns and every dark cloud have its silver lining, nothing is perfect. Nothing is perfectly beautiful, nor nothing is perfectly ugly. These uncertainties that seem to bother me, they seem to function for another thing. They are just more reasons for me to live my life to the fullest. More.

I'm left with about 5 months before I say goodbye to school. And soon I'll be in my graduation gown. And soon will be at the airport bidding my farewell, to eleven years of life on the island. When the day arrives, I'll look ahead and perhaps fear may be rushing within me. But I definitely know that though the journey may seem long, and seem tough, I'll take it in.

I've made that decision and I will stick with it no matter that the outcome or the changes that might occur along the way. After all it's life. Where change is the only constant.

Now if I can make a wish, I just wish for a great remaining days here back at home. Just let me forget life for a little while. Though only for a few days. But at least yeah, take me away from reality if I may.

Another side

It's been twenty six and a half weeks since my attachment has started. It's a long time, I know. Whenever I told everyone how long I've went through, their mouths would open feeling shocked why does it take a long time to end. And some would ask me, how come my attachment never ends. I would give them a shrug, and tell them don't ask that question to me, I'm sure most of us would want it to end quicker either. Seven months, definitely, too long.

Attachment of course, has taught me many lessons. Not just in the application side. Surprisingly, the life side of it. Quite sad, how we've all (or some of us) come to a point when being stressed is like... Something daily. Feels like we're at the breaking point of this whole thing. Towards the end I suppose, when we feel really horrible about everything. We feel like giving up, we feel to just let go of everything. After all, we're all new to this field. Alone.

Well being in the "working life" for these past 26 weeks have taught me many lessons about life, about work itself. Definitely, as we all know it, the working life is something totally different as compared to school life. Well like all things in life, we learn from the bad experience and move on, we treasure the sweet moments which we hope to bring in smiles in the future. May it be a bitter smile, sweet smile, silly smile. Just a memory that will linger.

The working life has shown me different sides.

Different sides of human you've never seen before. Something maybe you've seen in your school life. Some just don't. I guess after all of these, I've learnt how much, at the end of the day, people won't really care about you, how you feel, who you are, what's going on with you and so on. At the end of the day we're left alone in this world to fight and stay alive. Sure people can help you, but at the end, you'll stand alone in this battlefield.

Different sides of life, you'll never experience in school. The working life is tougher. If you think school is tough, think again.You'll get to experience what is, life. The stress and the pressure you're going to have is totally different, and of course tougher than the pressure you get in school. You learn how to be responsible for others, and just not yourself. And at times learning about this, can be a tough process. Not something you can take overnight. But at the end of the day, you'll learn it.

It's quite funny how when we're in school, we tell ourselves we can't wait to graduate and to start working. We complain how sucky school can be. That being a working adult is so much nicer than being a student. Surely, some side of it yes. And at the same time, some side of it are just not nice at all. So please, treasure your school life. You will definitely miss it when you grow up and you get out of the school life to the working life. I have a few months of school left. I will, and I must treasure it.

I guess happiness is just something difficult to be created. It's not a simple recipe to make. Let alone, the ingredients are hard to find. But we all should know how happiness comes within ourselves and not something else outside of it.

The day you discover that happiness comes from within, is the day you'll shed tears of sadness, as a smile lit up from your face. Yet you don't know whether you cry tears of joy, or smile to put up a brave front. The day you discover that happiness comes from within, will be a day of discovery that life will quite be a journey for you. That life, is a journey worth suffering from.

Contemplating about life?

Somehow everyday, and... Somehow starting from this year. I begin to love contemplating about life. I would stare at an empty space while my minds run with deep thoughts, thinking of life. Basically everything and anything. Random things turned into deep thoughts, things I see turn into lessons and things I always ponder about. Hence yes. I am thinking about life.

And my friend would always ask me, Contemplating about life?

Well I always do yes. Quite funny how we always think about things, daydreaming and so on. But then at the end of these moments we turn these seemingly random thoughts into something deep which is really lovely in a sense. I guess it's important to think, and think of good thoughts.

Today I was just staring at the blank space. And somehow I remind myself. That everything happens for a reason. Why I was sitting down at the foodcourt, why I was walking to the foodcourt, why we decided to come to this foodcourt, why did I eat that food and so on.  Well as I always said, if they don't happen for a reason, they they wouldn't have happened at all. Similarly, whatever has happened in my life so far, they do happen for a reason too.

I believe when things don't go with your flow, they're just blessings in disguise. There must be a reason why things happen that way, and not this way. When something doesn't go according to your plan, take it that something greater will happen. And well yeah. Sometimes, or in fact everytime, it's good to look on the brighter side of things, always. I'm nearly there, I know all of this will come to an end soon. In no time! Whatever it is.

Sometimes I feel sad... Not sure if I have become someone who's less happy or depressed. Every Tuesday I would go home, watch TV and catch the show "Just For Laughs" just to let me have a good laugh though it's only for a good hour. Feels like I need to do something to make myself a good laugh haha. Laughter is the best medicine I suppose.

Oh well, whatever it is, I won't stop contemplating about life. As the saying goes, we need to lose ourselves to find ourselves. So though I might be lost in my own deep thoughts, I know at the end of the sea, I will be able to find another side of me which I never find before. Losing, to find my way back kind of thing. Isn't it cool?

Alright. May the remaining weeks be smooth sailing. 

Decisions

In life I'm sure we make lots of decisions. Some we make it cause it involves surviving. Deciding what to eat, what to drink, when to sleep. Simple stuff we all know and well and not really a decision, more of a choice perhaps? But of course there will also be times when we have to make decisions that involve, life. These are the ones that determine our future, our life basically. What determines the outcome of the remaining journey of our life. Before we all reach our final destination.

Slowly, one by one, I've been telling my close friends about my decision. Some are not surprised, thankfully. Some are shocked, and some are sad. Some, normal. Well I guess I've been rooting to make this decision. I used to be confused of where to go. But then at the beginning of this year, I knew I have to make -this- decision. And somehow after making this decision, it makes my life feel better. Not only I don't feel confused anymore, but I feel things are... "straight" now.

You know how you feel when you have a plan.

Of course every decision comes with a price. There's nothing perfect in this world as we know it. In some decisions we get the better out of it. But then you realise that the other party, or any other party will not get the better of it. Well that's life I guess, you can't please anyone, everything. But we can always see things differently I suppose? Of course in this decision I've made, I have appeased different parties and so on. But there'll be others, whom I won't be able to.

Disappointments are one of them I guess. Another man's meat is another's poison. Everyone has different expectations of everyone else. Sometimes we do take their expectations but mostly, we don't. After all... This is our lives and we're the one that steer the wheel, set the sail and walk the path. Do take people's considerations of course, don't just throw them to the drains. But not necessarily that we need to adhere to them. We can take them for guidance, you know?

Today the thing slipped out of my tongue to someone... I'm not close with. On my way home I kept thinking, kept telling myself did I make the wrong choice? But then again, eventually everyone will know it right? In one way or another. So yeah that makes me feel better. Well yes I've decided to just tell my close friends. And I tell different people different things. White lies mostly. Cause I just feel it's not the right time for some people to know yet. So to play safe, I don't tell the truths.

I asked a good friend of mine. Did I make the wrong choice to tell people the truth? Especially to someone who sort of expects something from you? And she told me that I shouldn't feel guilty, nor is that a wrong choice. Her words always ring on my head.

"This is your life. And you only live once. It is important that you want to do what you want to do. They are not living your life, so why do you have to feel guilty for?"

Of course I totally agree with her, and she's totally right. There's however one particular person I really hope won't be disappointed by me. I wouldn't say she's someone close to me. But she's someone whom sort of gave me the chance. Who gave me the light back then. I truly sense she kinda expects a lot. And part of me knows she would feel disappointed with my decision, though I remember her telling me to do what I want. And about people who are sorta like me.

But well. Again, part of me know she will understand too.

Oh well this is life. You can't please everybody, and... You don't own anyone a living here. Your life is lived by you and not by anyone else. Let the words of others be roads that guide you along. But you should always choose the road that your heart chose. For I'm sure it will bring you to the road that you will enjoy walking on. A story you'll enjoy reading and reading again.

One life, live it to the fullest. If you don't, then who else will?

Pour your heart out

Hello! It's been such a long time since I'm here huh. Well been busy with work, experiments, and so on. So I couldn't blog here. Quite sad, to realise I didn't even blog in my personal blog as often either. But these days, I feel the longing to blog. I need some time, to just pour my feeling out. Be it through music or just simply writing. The good thing is though, I've been writing on my diary, which is good I guess.

Today is day 257 of the year. Was just talking to my friend of how far we've went through till today when we first started our attachment. Day 107 was the day we began. So... Yes, 150 days! And well I really can't wait for the end of year, where I would spend a good time reading through this diary of mine, looking back at the days. I will laugh, I will smile, I will frown trying to remember the day. But I will definitely have a good time looking back at these days.

2012 has been... Challenging so far. I guess what I can tell myself is that well, 2012 will make me a better person, definitely. So far though the days have been quite challenging, this year made me think a lot. And till now I've made decisions and also through these challenges I grow into a stronger and better person. I just still find it shocking at times, how 7 months of this year are taken for attachment alone. Leaving 5 months (which felt so much shorter than 5) behind for non-attachment days.

And so, why am I talking like as if it's the end of year already? -_-

Anyway I really can't wait for attachment to end. In a sense, I know I need a good break and I'm already planning for one. A couple of places in mind, still waiting for my friend to decide though hehe. But I know one place in mind already :) And I think I will most probably go there haha. Just wanna go somewhere and do nothing. Sounds like a perfect plan to me haha. Chill by the beach, relax and enjoy the sun with music in my ears. Oooh the sound of it already makes me feeling fuzzy.

To me... Well currently I'm just, or I think we all, are living life day by day. As the day goes by we live each and another day. A day passes and we move on to the next. To me, I know the end is there. Freedom is there waiting for me. I know the dates, how much weeks we're left and so on. But somehow, they seem so far, and the days never seem to end.

Freedom now, is like eating food when you're having cold. You can taste the flavour of the food. But you can't smell its aroma. Like that I guess. It's like so near, yet so far kind of sentiment. But well, I live in the Buddhist teaching of contemplation of impermanence. I know that everything, good or bad, will come to an end. That's definitely something that will happen so yeah. Slowly but surely, quickly but surely the end will come. I just have to live everyday to the fullest.

Alrighty. I guess that's all for now. I'll see you again soon :)

Dear life, how's life?

Dear life

How are you doing? I hope you are fine. I guess things are getting a move-on now, and the momentum is once again picking up. I'm no longer lost, no longer feeling confused about everyday but well, I just hope that things will get better and better. Though at times I know you feel tired and that lots of things are happening at the wrong time.

I'm sure you'll get through this. Soon you can take a break. I mean real soon. Like 14 more days or so you'll be on your way to a nice, short but hell of a deserving break. Then it will go back to work and things will get busy and stuff. But well I don't know. Maybe they will get better too.

Four months seem like a very very long time. How ironic that 7 months just went by like that. And it feels like those times we spent back in US 3.5 months ago felt like yesterday. I hope my intuition is right, that somehow it will be over faster. And you know a cancer's intuition is somehow -always- right haha. So well yup just hoping for the best I suppose.

It's pretty sad that I always tell myself to be positive, look on the bright side of things etc. But just feels so difficult to do it. You can be complicated at times, confusing and funny. But that's how you are. Without you being you, my world would just be different you know. Challenges and bumps are here to make me better, to make this world more interesting.

Sigh, alright I'm pretty much tired now. I should head to bed. The night's not young either. It's Thursday tomorrow. Cheers for that!

Yours Sincerely
Me

Simplicity

Today is such an awesome day. Outside my window is the blue skies. So cloudless, just an endless stretch of blue with well patches of thin, fine, translucent clouds. Or precipitates. It's been such a long time since I see it. Somehow the past few weeks have been pretty much cloudy. Today is just different and I'm totally loving the weather right now. Lovely.

I just go back home, and I went for the temple this morning. It's the usual morning service, where we chanted. I went for the Puja as well. Which is totally something new for me. Never did it before, and it's very interesting. Weirdly it's my wish to come to the temple today. For the whole week I've been planning, I've been wanting, wishing and just have the urge to go there. And I've decided to go to the temple every Sunday. I love chanting, It gave me a peace of mind.

I'm not a strong Buddhist that follows a certain tradition or practice. To think of it, the last time I went to that temple was a year plus ago. Pretty long right? But I am a Buddhist and will always be one. I love the simplicity of its teachings and the philosophy behind the stories. After all I feel that Buddhism is a philosophy. And less of a religion. And I guess it's not entirely wrong to believe in the teaching more that the practice. Anyway I do still practice some of them. But that's when I'm back in my hometown with my mum haha. Going to the temple etc.

I just love the simplicity of Buddhism. Yes.

Today was a great day of course. I felt happy somehow today. Perhaps it's the weather. The fact that I fulfilled my wish of going to the temple. And perhaps, just a wave of endorphins rushing. Whatever it is, I'm happy. Happiness is never easy to create for one self. We don't find happiness I feel. We create it for ourselves and for others.

While having lunch today, I came up with something. Related about simplicity and happiness. It's kind of an accidental find. Something... I came across with, inspired by my simple lunch. Just a normal lunch of rice meat and veggies. And sambal not to forget.

Sometimes the reason why we're unhappy is not because we don't get what we want. But more of because we kept on searching for the things that make us happy, when the simple things are around us to make us happy. We kept on searching for perfections. Things that our mind make us believe would make us happy. But in reality, they may not necessarily do so. And in reality, there are other things that could make us happy. Simply. They are around us, but we ignore them. Our minds ignore them. The quest of finding happiness is never easy, equipped with our nature especially. Sometimes all we need to do is to stop searching. Look around us, and find it. Create it.

Wow! Hahaha.

Well yeah, I was just thinking of the lunch that I was eating. It was a simple lunch really. I even ate it at a hawker centre, alone. It may not be a lavished meal. Something expensive (it was rather ex though T_T) or grandeur. But yet it has the ability to make me full, to keep me satisfied and to make me happy. So then I think to myself, why would I want a lavished meal eh?

I just feel... Well I'm sure we all want to be happy in life. But what's life without the down moments? It will just be too perfect for it to be imperfect. And life is imperfect. I mean... If you want to be happy, start with yourself. Because genuine happiness comes within you. What you get from outside are not always genuine all the time.

Like me, getting a new notebook makes me happy. For a while.

Hahaha