Edge of a cliff

Hello again, I'm finally writing here. I've been wanting to, and just couldn't find the time. Or when I wanted to write, something must have cropped up  and thus I couldn't. Nevertheless I'm here. It's been... 20 days since I'm here. Life, has been nice I guess. Not bad, but not great either. I mentioned how much I'm feeling empty one week after I got here. That emptiness has been handled quite well with my heart now. And I'm still getting used to the life here, adapting.

My social media platforms have been flooded with lots of my friends' posts. About acceptance letter, about university admissions, about scholarships and so on and forth. And I truly feel happy for them. I hate waiting, and to know they have been accepted they must have felt that huge sense of relief and joy. Even more when they have been accepted to the courses they have been wanting to go in to. While some are still anxiously waiting for their letters to come.

So in my head pops a question. Did I make the right choice?

Did I make the right choice of going back, and not continuing to pursue my study. Did I make the wrong choice. Am I going back too fast. Am I making my decision too fast. All these questions are popping inside my head quickly, everyday.

On one side I have my parents to feel worried for. They are no longer young, and to know that I'm back, I'm sure they felt a huge sense of relief, that at least another of their sons is back to accompany them. I too feel that I should go back. I realised my parents are growing old. They were the ones who were holding me when I was walking when I was young. Now I am the one holding them, sometimes, when they are walking along. Time has been moving too fast. I suppose.

On another side, the number 21 pops into my head. My age. Am I too young to actually step into this "life" I'm going to venture to? The working life. A totally brand new life that is completely different from the school life I've been living for. No more friends but colleagues. No more teachers but uhh bosses? Life will be more stressful, that is for sure. Am I too young to handle all these? Will I be able to handle them? Or should I continue studying for a while more before I start?

The past three weeks, I've been thinking and contemplating. About life and about all these.

Well I reckon that life itself, is like a journey. I'm sure we all know that. But I put it as a journey of a water. First, when we're young, we begin like water in a lake on top of a mountain. Very nice life, calm, sun is always shining and the blue sky accompanying you. Life is pretty much calm and normal, to put it "like it is". Imagine water in a lake. Calm and nice, nothing much going on, right?

And then as we enter the teenage years, we begin to leave this lake for a small river that leads to a waterfall. Things start to get exciting and fast. And although things start to get fast, there is at least a direction we're heading to. And somehow, we don't have to care about this direction. Where the stream is taking us to and so on. We're just, enjoying the ride. Life is pretty exciting!

And then from that small river, we are at a waterfall. This is when we step into young adulthood. We're standing at the edge of a waterfall, and we take a leap of faith to the place we want to go. It can be quite scary for sure, but this is when we decide where to go. This is when we decide what we want to do. And that exciting life we had when we were teens helped us to push us from the edge of this waterfall. We took a leap of faith, and down down down we go!

From that huge and tall waterfall we took a jump of faith, and we arrived to a gushing and rushing river. Or should I say, rapids. Rushing river filled with huge rocks and stones. Sometimes fallen logs we have to avoid of get over. Life gets tougher, but we have no choice but to get through it. And I reckon this is the adult stage. Where life revealed more of itself to us. No longer a calm lake, nor a small river, or one waterfall we have to jump upon. But many rocks, stones, logs and so on and forth to get over. Over and over again. And that's life I suppose.

And.... Eventually this rushing river ends up in the beach. A nice beach that leads to the great ocean. But from this ocean, we are alone. All alone. We swim and we swim without anyone telling us where to. We follow the wind, the current and the condition of the ocean itself. Sometimes there are storms to go through, sometimes a little bit of rain, sometimes the sun shines like there's no tomorrow. But eventually we'll reach the island we've been wanting to arrive at, or must I say... An island we all have to arrive at, and that's a destination we know as death.

And that's life. It's not about the island we need to reach, but the journey we all have to go through.

But now, I feel that well yup I have went through the lake, the small river, and even the waterfall. But that gushing river? Maybe a bit. In fact I feel that I'm not standing at the edge of a cliff facing the great ocean. And the ocean is just waiting for me to jump, or to not jump yet until I'm ready. And I'm all so confused about the decision that I need to take. Part of me says I should jump, and another of me says I shouldn't. And well I must say the cliff is one huge fucking cliff unlike the waterfall. So the decision is really crucial and important to me.

Sigh, I really don't know what to do at times. Am I ready to leave this youth world, this life, that I've been living for the past three years for this brand new adventure that will definitely be tougher? Will I be able to do the things I always loved to do back then, in the future? Or will I forget the life I used to have and be engulfed in the sea of work? Will I forget day and night, weekday and weekend? Or will I still be able to live the life I've always dreamed and wished about.

A lot of questions in my head. A lot.

Not a single of them is answered.