I'm not too sure, am I being too sensitive? Or this is the truth about me. I'm going to talk about friends, or basically people around you whom you talk to, communicate with, play with, laugh with, smile with, eat with, and more.
Of all my 4 years in Tanglin Secondary, I realised I didn't have a best friend. I mean really, a BEST friend. Someone whom I eat with everyday, go to school everyday, hangout with every weekend, do homework together, revise together. Anyway, ask yourself. What -is- your definition of a best friend?
Is he/she someone who truly reflects you? Or perhaps someone who understands you? Is he/she someone who you want them to "follow" you around? Be it to where you're going, or be it your trends and your hobby? Or basically someone whom you like to be with, and enjoy the company they give you?
What is a best friend?
I'm not even sure if I were to call -A- (prefer to disclose) my best friend. Even though I regarded A as my best friend, does A regard me as A's? And there are times which made me think once again about my question. Because sometimes A is acting like he's not even my friend. And the incident which involves A, B (and another I prefer to disclose) and me, made me even think further.
The past is the past, all I could do now is to smile to the past. The bitter-sweet past.
Now lets talk about cliques. Personally, I regarded myself as a floater. I learnt this new term from a friend. Floaters are basically people who mix around with everybody. They don't have a clique, they don't have a group. Just floating around here and there. Sometimes being a floater is hard. Cause not everyone will accept you. People may just regard you as an "extra" I called it.
I don't have a clique. I do, however, have friends. Friends that I like to be with, to be with them, play with them, go out with them, study with them. And honestly, my friends, are my friends. They are not a group of people whom I choose to be with. Perhaps it's my easy-going personality that makes me think this way, because I know some people can't just apply this rule to themselves.
And of course, I choose people wisely. People who might create trouble aren't my friends. People who are like similar poles to me are not what I want. People who gel in easily, are my friends. I mean I'm sure you don't want to have friends which you don't like isn't it? You're then wasting your own time, and somehow, "betraying" them.
But today, I came up with a line:
"If life has a textbook, its first chapter should be: Life is imperfect, and you have no choice but to ACCEPT it"
So try your best to love the people whom you hate. Of course I'm not mentioning about people whom you hold grudges with. I'm referring to friends whom you don't like because of a simple, or if not less-serious imperfectness in them. You have to accept them the way they are. Love them, not hate them.
Personally, to those people whom I hate, I'll still regard them as a friend. But I won't be so close to them. If they need help, sure I'll help. But sometimes, life is just so unfair, and you'll turn your back.
You know, sometimes I realise. I'm always caught in this situation. This. Situation. I shall not elaborate here, but it feels like you are somehow, alone. Even though you have quite a few friends beside you. But I feel, alone. And they feel, together. It feels like I'm not totally part of them, even though I do regard them as a friend.
Alone, that's a nice word hehe.
So that's why I ask myself in the beginning. Am I being to sensitive? Or is this the truth that occurs to me. Is it jealousy? Or is it fact. Seriously, this happened all the way from primary school, up till now.
Well sometimes I do feel horrible about it. I mean well yeah, sometimes I'm someone who love to ignore things. I'll just say "nahh..." but deep inside, there's always this side to where I feel a bit pinched on the heart.
So, am I thinking too much?