Wednesday, December 29, 2010

As freedom is as free as the wind

Today was a wonderful day. It's one of those days where I felt so free once more. Like once when I went to East Coast Park with my friends and not knowing where to go. And once more when I went to Sweden and Norway. But this time round, I felt it here, right in my hometown.

I was helping one of the garden's worker, plucking out peanuts from their plants. It seems to be an ordinary job. But imagine doing it under the evening sky, with the sky painted in the cooling colours of the dusk. And the whispering wind blowing through your face. It was really... Comforting, and free.

Then as I washed the soil off my hands, I just stared onto the distance in front of me. And the sky was bluish in colour. The clouds. With streaks of golden rays passing through it. And it was just peaceful. With the sounds of the crickets and frogs heard from beneath the grasses, it was just so comforting to the ears, and to the heart.

Seriously, who doesn't mind living like that?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Where Has My Childhood Gone To?

Where has my childhood gone to?
It has gone to a place in my heart
Where I shall go to escape from life
When it gets tough, and hard
To savour the sweet days I once had

Where has my childhood gone to?
It has gone to my memory
Where I shall keep it till eternity
Where I will treasure each and every
bits of fragments of those days dearly

Where has my childhood gone to?
It has gone with time
Together with me, wherever I go to
Those days were as prime, as sublime
as the most priceless piece of gem you’ll ever find

Where has my childhood gone to?
It may be lost forever, for time had passed
I may not return back to those days
But I can always escape and return through my memory,
To the once sweet and innocent time.

Of my childhood days.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Why?

Firstly I'm pretty much sad right now. I'm just sad, after hearing what he said. In fact, I've always felt sad every time. Sometimes I always ask myself. Why me? Why am I born to lead this life. Why can't I be another person, a much more free person.

Every time I go back to my hometown, for a so called "vacation", I can't help but think of so many stupid things which make me can't enjoy my holiday. I don't even call this a holiday.

I have to think of my future, of the two of them, of my family, of this and that, that and this. You call this a holiday? I want to go for a holiday. A holiday where I can enjoy it. I can forget about life, and I don't have to worry about them. But sometimes going back just make me feel even more stressed. With lots of things to think of. Stupid, redundant things.

You might want to say that I'm thinking too much, and too far. I'm thinking of outrageous things, which I don't even have to think about. But tell me, when these things happened over and over and over again, you can't help but to think isn't it? Think about it all the time.

Why, WHY.

Why must you always think of people in the eyes of yours, why can't you just accept them the way they are. Why must you expect them to behave, to think, to act, the way you want them to. I don't understand why.

EVERY EFFING night, I would pray, I would pray that the above will lead me, and the rest of my family to the right path. And I'm serious about this. Sometimes those little things you think of, or you don't like of, whenever I think about it, I'm AFRAID. I'm fearful. I love you both, I really do. And I always hate it when there's something you don't like, and the two of you either gets into a fight or a cold war.

Every time I go back, I have to think of all these. And if I don't go back, I'm sure you won't like it. But how? Why can't I just have a proper holiday, A PROPER holiday. A holiday where I can relax after a few months of schooling. I should relax, but sometimes thinking of all these would make me feel like... Horrible. Really horrible.

I'm not relaxed at all, I want to go and enjoy my holiday. Why can't I?

I always ask myself, why do I have to lead this life. Why am I born on that day, on that time, to be who I am now? Sometimes I just feel like I should go away from this world. Then these problems will be over, forever.

But then I think again. If I were to go away that easily, this 17 effing years of my life will go to a waste.

Sometimes, I just desire an answer. Why? And so far, no one could answer me. And please, I really really do hope that the two of you will get better. Please, I don't want any fights, or just a small argument. It just terrifies me. It frightens me. You know how much they do to me? I really love both of you. I really do...

Sigh... Why, why why why....

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dear #

Dear #

Sometimes I just want to tell you, could you allow me to be who I am in front of my eyes, and not be someone from the vision of your eyes?

Can you let time decide who I will become, and not predict what I will become in the future because you believe so?

And perhaps, realise that this is not what I want.

Why can't you let me choose my own path, do my own things, be myself, and not who you want me to be?

And don't ever say that whatever I have learnt, is meaningless.

Thanks

Yours truly
Me

Thursday, December 16, 2010

If time could give me an answer now

I visited Nikon Bioimaging Centre yesterday, to learn a deeper and meaningful insight in the field of research. Well, honestly. I am blown away by the things that the humble (and pricey) microscope can do. What I saw previously in books, had now been seen by my naked eyes.

And as I was chatting with the fellow people there and my friend. I felt, again, sad.

Going to NBC had totally boosted my interest in research. And to realise that I may not do research at all in the future, it just makes me feel sad. While I am inspired by Biopolis itself, and how I told one of the person that I'm intending to pursue a degree, deep in my heart, I'm drowned in a sea or uncertainty.

What's there to lie? What's there to hide?

Behind that smile I gave to him, lies a unfathomable mystery that lurks inside me. A mystery, so deep I can't even understand it myself. It's my future. The most confusing, difficult and saddening piece of puzzle one could ever possibly try to solve. But then, comes a time which I see this shining light that might solve the puzzle.

That light is hope. It accompanies me in the dark, shelter me from the storm, and bring me to the whichever path I want, and I SHOULD take. But then, comes this darkness that lurk over my hope. This darkness is called my doubts and uncertainties. Where sometimes, it prevents my hope from shining brightly, guiding me to the places I want to go.

Sometimes it's really sad, how much, how many times, I have to try to "lie" to others of the path I am choosing. Deep in my heart, and deep inside me, it's not a lie. It's a wish. A dream of mine that I terribly wish could come true. While others may believe that what I told them is the truth, deep inside me, something just stops me from believing so. But why?

Why can't I just tell myself, don't worry, you will go there.

I will?

That's the question I ask.

But remember. That's not a question. It's an answer.

I WILL!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

And so

And so, after such a long time of thinking of which decisions to make. Which pathway should I take, which path that will lead me to a place I love.

I've finally chosen the Research option for my Biomedical Science Diploma.

No matter where it'll take me. Where it'll end me up at. I will go for where my heart tells me to go. For the heart, is the voice of my soul.

I think it will be a great opportunity, for me to live a research life. I want to be a researcher in the future. Someone who experiments to find cures, and investigate how this field of biomedical rotate. How things work, why are things like that.

And to live my somehow-seemingly-far-to-be-reached-dream.

I want to be a researcher.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Shining Light by Ash

Roman candles that burn in the night
Yeah, you are a shining light
You lit a torch in the infinite
Yeah, you are a shining light
Yeah, you light up my life

You've always been a thorn in their side
But to me you're a shining light
You arrive and the night is alive
Yeah, you are a shining light
Yeah, you light up my life

Chorus:
We made our connection
A full on chemical reaction
Brought by dark divine intervention
Yeah, you are a shining light
A constellation once seen
Over Royal David's city
An epiphany you burn so pretty
Yeah, you are a shining light

You are a force, you are a constant source
Yeah you are a shining light
Incandescent in the darkest night
Yeah you are shining light

My mortal blood I would sacrifice
For you are a shining light
Sovereign bride of the infinite
Yeah, you are a shining light
Yeah, you light up my life

And these are days you often say
There's nothing that we can't do
Beneath a canopy of stars
I'd shed blood for you
The north star in the firmament
You shine the most bright
I've seen you draped in an electric veil
Shrouded in celestial light

I love this song, it brings my spirit up. But... I prefer Annie Lennox's cover :)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Life's beautiful imperfections

Today I went out with my friends. It was a beautiful outing, and I really enjoyed it. It has been quite a long time since we all met together once more, and yes, I really love today. It was a beautiful day.

I knew deep in my heart that I will not be able to enjoy such pure enjoyment of going out in the future. I will not be able to once again cherish this joy of having the freedom I'm having now. Not only we'll go on our own ways, I don't think we can make up the time to meet together once more and have the same fun we used to have like today.

I mean, genuine fun and joy.

It is sad to realise about this. After such outings, all we can do is to cherish the memories we had about them, and not once again enjoy what we used to do in the future. It is sad that we will not be able to enjoy the genuine joy we had. It is sad, that all we can do to enjoy the happiness we had is through re-living them in our memories, and not in real life.

It is, really sad.

So I made a promise to myself, that I one day shall go and re-live these moments once more in the future. Be it a simple meal I used to have in one of SP's foodcourt, to going out to the cinema once more with my friends. Or perhaps having an outing again, to the places we once used to go together.

Life is imperfect, nothing lasts forever, and everything has to move on. All the good things come to an end, and all we can do is cherish them in our memories.

And to everyone out there, especially those who are in their youth age, remember to treasure the freedom you have now. Bask it in, enjoy it. But also remember to always think whenever you make an action that may cause harm to you, and others. And that regret always come too late. And when we grow up, let us once more cherish those happy moments we once had.

And bring back the smile to our face.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Friends

I'm not too sure, am I being too sensitive? Or this is the truth about me. I'm going to talk about friends, or basically people around you whom you talk to, communicate with, play with, laugh with, smile with, eat with, and more.

Of all my 4 years in Tanglin Secondary, I realised I didn't have a best friend. I mean really, a BEST friend. Someone whom I eat with everyday, go to school everyday, hangout with every weekend, do homework together, revise together. Anyway, ask yourself. What -is- your definition of a best friend?

Is he/she someone who truly reflects you? Or perhaps someone who understands you? Is he/she someone who you want them to "follow" you around? Be it to where you're going, or be it your trends and your hobby? Or basically someone whom you like to be with, and enjoy the company they give you?

What is a best friend?

I'm not even sure if I were to call -A- (prefer to disclose) my best friend. Even though I regarded A as my best friend, does A regard me as A's? And there are times which made me think once again about my question. Because sometimes A is acting like he's not even my friend. And the incident which involves A, B (and another I prefer to disclose) and me, made me even think further.

The past is the past, all I could do now is to smile to the past. The bitter-sweet past.

Now lets talk about cliques. Personally, I regarded myself as a floater. I learnt this new term from a friend. Floaters are basically people who mix around with everybody. They don't have a clique, they don't have a group. Just floating around here and there. Sometimes being a floater is hard. Cause not everyone will accept you. People may just regard you as an "extra" I called it.

I don't have a clique. I do, however, have friends. Friends that I like to be with, to be with them, play with them, go out with them, study with them. And honestly, my friends, are my friends. They are not a group of people whom I choose to be with. Perhaps it's my easy-going personality that makes me think this way, because I know some people can't just apply this rule to themselves.

And of course, I choose people wisely. People who might create trouble aren't my friends. People who are like similar poles to me are not what I want. People who gel in easily, are my friends. I mean I'm sure you don't want to have friends which you don't like isn't it? You're then wasting your own time, and somehow, "betraying" them.

But today, I came up with a line:

"If life has a textbook, its first chapter should be: Life is imperfect, and you have no choice but to ACCEPT it"

So try your best to love the people whom you hate. Of course I'm not mentioning about people whom you hold grudges with. I'm referring to friends whom you don't like because of a simple, or if not less-serious imperfectness in them. You have to accept them the way they are. Love them, not hate them.

Personally, to those people whom I hate, I'll still regard them as a friend. But I won't be so close to them. If they need help, sure I'll help. But sometimes, life is just so unfair, and you'll turn your back.

You know, sometimes I realise. I'm always caught in this situation. This. Situation. I shall not elaborate here, but it feels like you are somehow, alone. Even though you have quite a few friends beside you. But I feel, alone. And they feel, together. It feels like I'm not totally part of them, even though I do regard them as a friend.

Alone, that's a nice word hehe.

So that's why I ask myself in the beginning. Am I being to sensitive? Or is this the truth that occurs to me. Is it jealousy? Or is it fact. Seriously, this happened all the way from primary school, up till now.

Well sometimes I do feel horrible about it. I mean well yeah, sometimes I'm someone who love to ignore things. I'll just say "nahh..." but deep inside, there's always this side to where I feel a bit pinched on the heart.

So, am I thinking too much?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Regret?

As I've mentioned in my previous post, I fear that all I have done in my life so far will go into the drain. And will I regret it?

As much as I can say. No I will not regret it.

Being in the course that knowledge may not be used in the future, doing things I love, that only I can truly myself enjoy, the blood, sweat and tears I have for all of these years, I will never regret this experience.

If I were to regret this, then my life would be meaningless.

I tell myself I will not regret anything, I'll try my best to look on the bright side all the time, even though sometimes my smile is just a facade to hide my pain inside. But life is nothing but filled with regrets, and it is how we accept how things have gone for us that differentiate us between a strong person, and a weak one.

I tell myself that:

The only time I will regret the things I did, or the choices I've made, would be when I become a wondering spirit. For life is too short to be filled with regrets.

Ask yourself. What you wanna be?

Today I've learnt a painful lesson. A lesson which I hated, but a lesson which I treasured. Sometimes life is unfair. Wait, life is NEVER fair. Why would it be fair?

I learnt that in poly, we cannot simply rely on the things we do now. Our actions depend on the future. And today I've learnt how painful it is.

My lecturer asked me. Ask yourself, what you want to be in the future? If you are really interested here, then you should go. If you're not, then you shouldn't waste your time.

I've always loved it, to me learning new things are pretty much a joy. Life is too short to be wasted in things we don't do, and things we don't get the chance to do. I want to be a phlebotomist. I don't mind. I don't mind learning phlebotomy, but will I be able to use it in the future?

Of course the answer would lie more in the "no" side. Of course. I just hated the fact that one day in the future, what I have learnt, what I have spent my time, my blood, swear and tears would gone to a waste. I fear that it would happen. But I keep on telling myself to always look on the bright side. As much as I will lose these work I spent, there is always another good side, of life, that I believe would appear.

Am I being a fool for telling me something that might not even happen?

I hate the fact that I may not do the things I love to do in the future. I hate the fact that all my years of hardwork will go into the drain. I hate the fact that I may not be who I was in the future. I hate, thinking about the future.

I always tell myself, don't worry about the future, forget the past and let it be a memory, and let the present be the battery that keeps you going forward. But as I told myself once more, that I somehow couldn't get out of my future. It's there.

It's inevitable? That is a question that no one can answer, no one.

In life, I have so many questions left unanswered, that I sometimes think no one would ever be able to answer them. Including myself.

So before you make decisions, ask yourself. What you wanna be? And think deeply, whether that will suit you, and how it may affect the future or not.

As the song Defying Gravity says - I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. But the song also says - Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know.

I will never know.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Can I just please go?

I seriously need to go for an escape. I want to run away from reality. Sometimes thinking about it makes my heart wrench painfully. And yet I can't run away from the fact that I will always be reminded of that.

Thinking of the future makes me feel like crying, makes me sad, makes me horrible. So I always try to forget about it, and be constantly reminded of the present.

But again, I can't run away from thinking about that situation.

Life is a suffering, and destiny is such an unfair reality.

If they say that we can't change destiny, then I suppose I know why life is a suffering.

But who knows I will change the saying one day.

What an irony, it's such a beautiful today and I'm feeling horrible now. It's just so horrible, I hate this kind of feeling.

Now I hope you understand why sometimes I don't call this a holiday.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Reality

I guess I watched too much TV, read too many story books, read too many magazines, and dream too much. My personal thought about the word "holiday" or "vacation" will be nothing else but a holiday. Nothing else but having the best time in the world.

I would do what I want to do, perhaps going for a road-trip, or maybe travelling to places I want to go. I would do things that I have not been able to do due to school, like chilling out, reading my story books, watching movies, television shows, exercise and more. Perhaps learning something new. I would do the things I enjoy doing, which time had restricted me during school. Write a story, play the piano, practise my clarinet and more.

Am I doing all these? Well not all, or perhaps, really little.

I guess reality is not in front of my eyes. I have been dreaming of all of these things I wish I could do during my holidays, and of course I'm not doing it. Sometimes it's ironic how I actually become depressed, sometimes, during my holiday. As weird as that may have sounded, yes I felt that at times.

I'm not depressed about my work, or about my projects, or my upcoming school semester. I'm depressed about life. I know that may be really over-the-top but seriously, yes I am pretty much depressed about reality.

In movies I watched, holidays are meant for youths like us to enjoy. In books I've read, people go to different places during a holiday. In magazines, I drooled upon seeing those exotic destinations for a holiday. Those enchanting places.

I guess that's not reality. Right?

Well the fact that I'm going back to my hometown during my holidays sort of pleases me. Of course, I miss my hometown, and most importantly, my family. The warmth of my house, I mean really my house, can never be beaten anywhere else, except in your own home.

So I guess, THIS is my holiday.

But as much as it is a holiday, of course we have to fill it with things right? So well I guess, my holiday is not really filled with the things I wanna do. But well. A holiday is still a holiday.

So there goes my wish, every night. I wish that my vacation here will always be a good and enjoyable one, and not a depressing one instead. I really wish that this wish will, and will continue to come true.

I may be a selfish dreamer.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Do you think it's that easy?

I've always loved a simple life. A life like a commoner, a life like a normal person. Perhaps a countryside, or maybe a tiny county. The sense of camaraderie that I shall feel, the warmth of the people, their smiles, their loves.

I want a life, where money doesn't revolve around me. Like how the earth revolve around the sun. Just a simple life I can enjoy, I can truly love,

and I can truly own.

I ask myself. Why can't everyone enjoy this kind of life?

And I reply to myself.

Do you think it's that easy?

Thursday, September 30, 2010

My Childhood Days

I was thinking of this a few days back, like how I used to spend my childhood days back when I was young. I guess it's good to write it, and relive it through a story.

My Childhood Days

I used to remember back then, when I was still in primary school here. How I spent my day. A weekday would be spent majorly on homework. When I returned home, I would first have my lunch, watched TV, then start on my work. I remember those days when I would quickly pretend to study when my mum arrived home from work. Like I would seriously rush from wherever I was to my study bench to study.

The weekend is an awesome one. Since we did not have a holiday on Saturdays here, Saturdays used to be my most favourite day of the week. And since school ended early, if I'm not wrong it was 11/12 o clock. Unless there's CCA, and thankfully my CCA was not mostly on Saturdays. So when I reached home, the first thing I would do was to wash my shoe.

I would go to the toilet and brush my shoe with a little soap and water, and then put them under the sun to dry it for the whole day. If there was rain I'll extend it to Sundays. After that I would be the happiest kid in the world. I would play, just play, anything with my cousins. And if my other cousins would come, we would be having the best times of our lives.

My most favourite section of my Saturdays would be the evening. I remember back those days, where we would go to "depan". Basically it refers to the entrance of my dad's factory. There is a slope there, where we used to cycle on top and cycle down. Played catching there, or more.

And if time, and our parents permit, we would go to "jajan". It means to buy little snacks at this shop near our house, but to get there, we would have to go to this path where it was sort of "adventerous". We would call it a little adventure of ours. Back then it was really really cool to go there. We used to call it a little adventure we had.

I sort of regretted, or if not, I should say thanks to the lack of technology, I did not take those pictures, I think it will be a really good memory if we were to take pictures while we're doing this. And I really really miss the sunsets I used to see when we went to "depan" during those Saturdays.

In the evening, I would sleep late. And I love it. Cause when we were young, I think sleeping late was a cool thing. It sorts of replace the "sleep early rule" we always have during the weekdays. And the night would be even be more awesome when my cousins stayed over. Sometimes they would sleep at my house, if not, my grandma or aunt's house.

Then on Sundays, it will be slackish day for me, and quite a hectic one at night. I would wake up in the morning to watch my favourite cartoon. Be it Digimon, Doraemon or others. I would defy my mum for not bathing early, I remember how she used to scold me if I didn't bathe before 10. And if not, Sundays would be spent on my religious class. Which spreads from 10 to about 12 I think.

After that, in the afternoon, I would go shopping with my mum. It's a weekly shopping thing, so I was really happy to go shopping. Sometimes I would beg my mum to buy me some things, like toys. I love robots and stuff, so I would bug her just to get one. And of course she would gladly refuse to buy it for me.

And at night, I would call it a hectic one. Why? Cause I will be busy doing my homework for Monday. After two days of lovely lazying around and playing around, that's when the hardwork begins. Thankfully I usually have the time to finish it. Oh, not forgetting the tests as well, sometimes I would spend the night studying for it.

Those were my childhood days.

I really miss them now, really really miss them now. Sometimes I would ponder about those days, and compare them with today. Of course, the difference is relativly huge. I mean really huge. Those days was so much better. Happier. More relaxed. Sometimes I hate the fact that we all have to grow up. And then leave these days behind.

But then life has to move on. Now we go on our own separate ways, We have our own things to do, and life moves on. Even though those days may be left behind, I will also leave them inside my heart, inside this tiny little memory of mine, and shall carry it this I heave my last breath.

And till today, I still long to return to my childhood days.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Simple

Today, I went to my dad's garden. Well basically he bought a plot of land here, near the mountain, and decided to turn it into a garden where different sorts of plantations were planted. And of course, the crops will be sold. Seems really exciting for me, it's like a new kind of business, apart from the factory and the hospital.

And one which I would really love.

Why? Why would someone young like me like gardening? Where most of the youths about my age would be so eew-y about the mud, soil and others. Well I love the fact that firstly, I'm close to nature, secondly, I'm working in a refreshing environment, and thirdly, I feel that I have more freedom.

More freedom, in a sense that I'm working in an environment where life is like limitless. In nature, under the sky, with the breeze of the wind against your face. Where the temperature is cold and refreshing, when life winds down as if time has stopped. As if you have been transported to another realm in your life. It's just wonderful.

Where life seems like a dream. Where you're not limited to the walls of your office.

Oh well, I hope the prospect of having this business would make my dad sort of... "More interested" in this kind of business. I mean seriously, I don't mind working there at all. Be it me being a farmer, me being a supervisor, anything. I really love this kind of job!

In fact I wish that in this vacation, I can work in the field for a day and try the life of a farmer. I think it will be really fun don't you think so?

Okay I think I have digressed quite a lot from what I wanna say.

Ultimately, I want to lead a simple life.

A life where it doesn't revolve around people that simply gives me stress (like some people here, who gives us headache). A life where I would always smile, and enjoy the things I do. A life where I live a life that is mine. I repeat, mine.

Sometimes I just wonder whether I will live such a life. Even though deep in my heart I always wish I will. So here goes a line I thought of today.

Time is the ultimate answer to almost all of life's questions. Because only time would tell.

Well, I've always speak of things like this. And as I've always said, I only wish that this will come true. And when one believes, one will make it. Hmm?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

My Little Escape - Episode 3

The morning was cold. I could hear the wind howling against my window. Little drops of rain, rippled through the air, making silent sounds that woke me up in that cold morning in Moscow, Russia. And I told myself, I have to wake up.

I was surprised when my teacher in France sent me an email, three weeks ago, offering me to play in a recital in one of Russia's prestigious music school. She told me it was a friendly recital, musicians all over the world were invited to play. One of them was my favourite pianist - Lang Lang.

To end my journey, I decided to go on the wild and adventerous side of traveling.

I'm taking, the Siberian Expressway to Beijing.

My parents were shocked to hear me making that decision. So did I. I did not imagine myself taking this form of travelling back, but I told myself, it's worth a shot and I'm sure it will be one hell experience of a lifetime. So there I go, a 12 days long journey to Beijing. On a train.

So I quickly took a bath on that morning, and quickly took a taxi to the Moscow train station. My bags were packed nicely the night before, I knew I won't have time packing them all again this morning. I checked in at the station, and waited for the train to come, and leave for the long and adventerous journey to Beijing.

Waiting for the train to arrive made me remember those days when I was travelling in Norway, in 2009. I was waiting for a train from Oslo to Bergen. That was my first ever train ride, a long train ride of my life. After staring at the blank space for a while, a conductor tapped my shoulder and said "Aren't you going up sir?"

This time round, I decided to travel in style. I booked the first class cabin. The seat was comfortable, I had my own room, and a window all to myself. I've prepared lots of things for the journey. One of the most quintessential, is my iPod, Music never fails to accompany me during long journeys. It's like a good friend of mine.

And so there we go, the journey to Beijing. The train started moving as it picked up its speed. View started changing. From the city-scape of Moscow to the grassy fields. Beautiful lakes, mountaineous region and little cows that herd around a green field.

A few days had passed, and I woke up in the morning. The sunshine shone through my window as it gave warmth to my face. And alas, I realised, we were in Central Asia. I quickly took my iPod, and listened to Borodin's In The Steppes of Central Asia. The song, perfectly painted the scene, when I first heard it in 2010. And to think that I am here, right now, in Central Asia, I just simply smiled, and move my hands as I "conduct" the song.

That was all to my long journey to Beijing. It was fun, lovely and wonderful. Nothing could ever replace a memory like this. Nothing could exchange and experience like so. It was an amazing experience. One, that I would never forget.

PS: Again, this story is fictional. Nothing is true (except for the part about my Norway travel, and me listening to Borodin In the Steppes of Central Asia). The informations are not true but again, who knows it will come true for me? :)

Friday, September 17, 2010

Remember

Remember those days when you were young?
When you think you are the best
And you try to stand out from the rest
When you think you can be everything
From being a policeman, to being a superman

And when you smiled and jumped with joy
As your parents bought you a new toy
And you brought it to school to show it
To your friends who can't stop their envy
And you felt you were Earth's luckiest kid

And when you didn't get what you wanted
You screamed and shouted in agony
You felt miserable, you felt cheated
You cried and shed tears that could never stop flowing
And all your parents did was nothing, but ignore you

And now that I have grown up and matured
Whenever I see children behaving in such ways
I do nothing but to frown at their behaviour
And I think, wasn't I like them during my younger days?
And so I smiled, as I watched the fiasco going

Life is a play, it is funny
It is nothing but an irony
As I stared at the boy, whom acted immaturely
And asked myself that question
Don't you remember those days, when you were young?


Happy 50th post

Dear my blog, La Storia

Thank you for spending these beautiful 50th posts, as you heard my stories, my inspirations and my ramblings. I hope you'll enjoy it too :)

Love

Adhi

Independent traveller

Alright I'm currently in National Library now. Since I'm doing anything here, I've decided to post a story. This time round - being a traveler.

Whenever I am in Changi, be it me going back, sending someone off, or fetching someone from there, I always look at the departure board. I looked at it, and tell myself. I wish I'm taking that plane to London... (Or other destinations).

I may sound foolish, dreaming of just taking a flight to another country. And what's more foolish is that I'm talking to myself over a departure board. Well as foolish as I might have sounded. I really feel it's not really a foolish dream at all. I'm just wishing and hoping that I will one day travel round the world. And perhaps one day, catching that flight to London.

So my ultimate dream is to be a traveler.

An independent traveler.

This is one of the most impossible dream that could ever happen. Firstly, my definition of an independent traveler is basically someone with the ability to travel anywhere, without the worries of money, time, and lack of freedom. Someone who can travel with that sense of joy and freedom, that feeling where they have all the time in this world.

And of course the travel must be a safe and enjoyable one. I wouldn't want to travel to places where it is so crowded, where I would be hassling myself among a crowd of people. It's just weird isn't it. And I would also want to travel to countries and experience a life of the locals. Most importantly, be bathed in their culture.

Life is nothing but a journey. Sometimes I just feel that it is really a waster to throw an opportunity of traveling, if you have the chance to. Seeing the world with your own eyes is like one of life's greatest gift. The ability to savour freedom, to taste joy, and to be liberated from the chains of life.

When I was in Sweden, or maybe Norway, with my sister last year. I remembered it was one of the best times of my life that I've ever been. It was a moment in that year where I did not feel worried, I did not feel stressed, I did not even think of life. All I did was to enjoy. Alas, I've regretted for not doing many things in which I could do then.

So that's a reason why I've always enjoyed watching travel shows. I might not be the real person to experience the joy of the travel, but at least I've got the chance to feel what it is to be there, in the country. I always feel fascinated by those shows. Like as if I was there experiencing it. But of course not.

Life is always a dream. Everything is. Sometimes those dreams come true, while sometimes it just don't. But well nothing is wrong to continue dreaming. No mater how foolish a dream is, it is still a dream. And remember to always dream a thousand dreams.

If I were to see a shooting star now, I would wish nothing but a wish for me to be able to explore the world. To travel around the world before time runs out.

I just really feel that it's such a waste, not to be able to see the world with one own's eyes, when one has the opportunity to do so.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

In Holland V

In Holland V, I sit
I sit as I watched people's life go by
I sit as I waited for time to fly
And realised the beauty of this silence
Amidst this bustling serenity

In Holland V, people come
And people go to places they want to be
A warm comforting dinner
Or enjoying their friends' company
Or perhaps, going to an escape from reality

In Holland V, people smile
And people frown as many things happened to them
In the midst of the crowd, a couple was happily kissing
While a woman panicked to find her wallet missing
And a dog was barking, in the middle of all these mayhem

In Holland V, I sit
As an old man came to sit beside me
Staring at the blank space in front of him
His face wasn't sad, it was not happy
It just showed the pure joy of silence within him

In Holland V, I smiled
As I watched people's life go by
People may think I'm weird and crazy
But they didn't know, and they never know
The pure bliss of enjoying the silence within them

(These events are based on what happened to me in Holland V on 30/08/2010)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

My Little Escape - Episode Two

The fan on the ceiling was moving above me. I was feeling cold, in fact, shivering in this beautiful tropical country. It was a cold morning I supposed. The breath of fresh air gush through my nose, filling my lungs as if giving it another rejuvenating gush of life. I looked on the window beside me.

Sunrise. The most beautiful one I've ever seen.

The blue sky was painted with streaks of golden ray coming out of the seemingly-endless horizon as it pierced through a cloud, painted in a scarlet and orange hue.

Am I in paradise? I thought to myself. Perhaps I am, but I know I'm in the Maldives right now. A small piece of nirvana on earth, I called it.

It was an interesting decision I made. I was feeling rather stressed in life, and I told myself I need a good break. I need to get away from reality, and escape to small piece of heaven on earth. I didn't know where to go at first, until I remembered a wish I always have - to visit Maldives.

I know a trip here could cost a lot, but I was telling myself, everything will be worth it here. Everything. So I spent some bucks to book a flight there, and even booked a small villa, on a secluded island here in the beautiful Maldives.

As I woke up from a great night sleep, I made my way to the balcony of my villa. The morning air was refreshing. And the view, is worth more than the money I spent to come here. The sunrise drew me like a magnet. I decided to come to the beach to view this magnificent scenery that not everyone can enjoy. Oh, not forgetting my camera as well.

I walked towards the beach with its pristine turquoise water reflecting the golden sun rays above it. The wave was soft, the white sand, the cold temperature. Everything was perfect. It really felt as if I'm in nirvana. In heaven. Without hesitation, I snap away lots of pictures to bring back home for my memories.

In the afternoon I've decided to be adventurous and head out the to main island in Maldives to get some things back for my family. And to fulfill my hobby of travel-photography. I have asked the friendly and always-be-happy-to-help-you villa crew on some of the useful language I can use when buying stuff. And there I go, to the mainland.

The city was bustling. The sky was cloudless and temperature rise quite mercilessly. I beat the crowd to get myself some souvenirs back. And tried a local delicacy - The Fish Mole. It was a roadside restaurant. And that's when I met Beatrice. She was a British traveler, who coincidentally stayed at the same villa as me. We've decided to spend the afternoon together to hunt for more local goodies.

Finally, the day I've not been waiting for arrived. It was my last day in the Maldives, and I'll be catching my flight back tomorrow. The afternoon was cloudy and it looked as if there was going to be a storm. But somehow, it cleared up beautifully in the late afternoon. The sky was blue once more, and I sat on the beach, waiting for another scene I'm waiting for.

The sunset. Which will be a finale to my stay here.

I sat on the beach, watching the sun setting on that west horizon. The sky was once more painted with beautiful paradigm of colours. The sky was blue, accompanied with a symphony of violet and orange coloured clouds. The sound of the crashing waves, the beautiful melody of the wind as it whispered to my ears. I was in a state of euphoria.

And then Beatrice come and joined me. She sat beside me as we watched the sky turned dark gradually.

That was my beautiful trip to the Maldives. A friendship created, and lots of memories forged.

PS: This story is fictional. All the events, names, places are purely coincidental. I wish this could happen to me though :)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

My Little Escape - Episode one

As the plane touched down, I happily stood up from my seat. The flight took almost 11 hours time, I was worn out and tired. Plus the jet lag. Well, nothing beats my happiness over this trip. The flight attendant announced through the system that the outside weather was 9 degree celsius, and windy as well. I was thinking, what a wonderful weather to visit this country, once again.

Bien Venue A Paris it says - welcome to Paris

As I put my jacket over my shoulder and waited for my baggage to appear in that seemingly-endless moving baggages, I caught a glimpse of Jean. One of my friends whom I've made friends with during my one year study of music in France. That was almost five years ago. But our friendship remains.

He waved at me, and I waved at him back. It's been almost five years since I met Jean. I remembered the first time we met. He was studying in arrangement while I was studying in piano music. However we met during our orientation, and that's when our friendship began.

I heaved a sigh of relief as I found my luggage coming out of that hole. I took it out and came out of the gate with a smile. Paris, here I come again I thought.

"Bonjour Jean! Cava bien?"

"Hey it's great to see you again Adhi! I'm great, how about you?" replied Jean.

I gave him a hug and we went to the taxi stand to take a taxi to Paris city. It was spring time. The weather was cooling with the sun shining greatly above us. The sky was blue, it was a really perfect day to visit my beloved city once again. So much has changed in these 5 years. Yet, it still brought my memories back.

I'll be staying in Paris for 5 days. So I've decided to make this trip the most wonderful one. After checking in into my hotel, Jean and I decided to head over our favourite cafeteria to have our lunch. I remembered once when Jean found me walking on this stretch of road. And he simply asked me to join him for lunch, for in his eyes, I seemed puzzled of where and what to eat.

Time was still early then. 3 P.M Paris time. We've decided to go back to our music school and met our teachers again. One that I want to meet the most was Madame Rianne. She was my mentor, my teacher, and a best friend of mine. Meeting her must be onf of the highlights of my trip.

Taking a walk towards my school was really really both sentimental and happy for me. I was reliving my memories. I did not expect so much things to have changed. The usual hot dog stall I loved to buy from was missing. And the small newspaper kiosk also disappeared. The Paris I once saw had changed, I supposed.

Alas I met Mdm Rianne. She was still as "kicking" as usual. She greeted me with that warmth and joy, I was really happy. We had a good talk with each other. We talked quite cheerfully, and sort of loudly that some of our teachers were interested to join. What made me really happy was that all of my teachers remembered us. He even asked "Apa Kabar" to me. I truly am proud and happy to have such teachers like them.

My trip continues with more sightseeings. From the famous Eiffel tower, to Muse de Louvre, from taking a walk in city parks, into venturing to Charmonix. And not forgetting from having a simple baguette, into dining in 3 Michelin star kitchen. Paris had never failed to amaze me. This city of wonder I have always loved and adored.

Five days went so quickly and it's time to go. Jean sent me to the airport and we bid farewell. I am thankful for my passion for photography. I have taken hundreds of pictures, which I will faithfully keep as my memories. I am not sure when I will come back to visit France once more, but I know deep in my heart, I want, and I will.

Au Revoir Paris, till we meet again.

NOTE: This story is fictional, all the plot, names and places are fictional as well. If only they can come true to me, that is :)

My little escape series

I've always been dreaming of visiting many countries. So here goes my little escape through writing. Sometimes, who knows it may become a reality :)

Friday, August 13, 2010

Unwanted

You didn't want me, did you? All you did is to leave me alone beside that long stretch of road. That lonely road. I knew it deeply that you didn't want me, just because he left you for another woman. You are weak, you are always weak. You couldn't even stand it. Why?

You didn't give me a chance. A chance to lead a normal life. A chance to be a normal child. A chance to be a son of yours, and most importantly, a chance to be loved.

You didn't understand me. I woke up and all I found is this man in uniform. I didn't know him. You didn't know how much I cried when I opened my eyes and seeing him lifting me up.

You once said you would love me always, no matter what happens. You told me that I will be the best child in the world. You never kept your promise, and you never will.

You are nobody, but a coward that doesn't accept life.

-------------------------

These are the words that Jason uttered deep in his heart. Jason, now 16, lived with his adopted father in the small town of Phoenix. Right 16 years ago, his father found him beside a road, wrapped in nothing but a flimsy cloth. Jason was sleeping quietly when his father found him. As he opened his tiny, innocent eyes, he cried to see this man he didn't know.

For 16 years, his anger boiled inside him.

Jason's mother, Fiona, carried him inside her womb when she was 18. She was a pretty lady whom everyone loved. One fine day she met a young man who took her away. They stayed together for a few months. Their relationship was blissful, she saw a beautiful wedding in her mind. She and her husband, walking along the aisle with a beautiful bouquet of flower.

But in that cold and windy autumn, everything changed. The night was cold, and the wind was blowing harshly against their window. The two of them were getting close to each other on their bed. It started with a kiss, and it evolved to a night that changed their lifetime.

A few days later, Fiona cooked a feast for her partner. All of his favourite food, the wines, and even the table was decorated elaborately. Then her partner came home. She hugged him, but he pushed her away. Fiona heard the biggest shock of her life. He had been sacked out of his job.

Then Fiona told him another shock - She was pregnant.

The couple decided to do their best to keep the baby, and to be economically stable. Her partner look for another job. A job, merely enough to feed them. Fiona had decided to take up a part time job in that fast-food outlet. Their struggle had been worthed it. It was one month more to Jason's birth. And everything went downhill.

Jason left Fiona with another woman he met at his workplace. All he had left was a note saying "I love you, dear. But I could not bear the responsibility of being the father of our boy"

Fiona cried, life had turned its back from her. Despite of her sadness, she carried on with life, and Jason was born on that cold autumn night.

And she gave his life away. On that cold, lonely road.

-Inspired from a scene I saw on TV-

Monday, August 9, 2010

Identity

Today as I watched the NDP show on TV, it tells me how fast time flies. Very quickly.

And I asked myself, and I told myself. You've lived here for a long time. Is this your second home? And yes, I feel Singapore is now my second home. But Sukabumi, is and will always be my home. And as the saying goes, home is where the heart is.

Today, I want to talk about identity. About who we are, and how we've changed.

Honestly, when I was young, I have a mindset that I should not be so "patriotic" towards Singapore. After all I'm only a student here. I'm not even a citizen here. I'm a foreigner. I remember how I used to not like my friends. And how I preferred to have friends from my homeland. I remember how I used to really really love going back, and how sad I was to go back to Singapore after my holidays.

Now, everything changes.

As years go by and life goes on, my perception of this place changes. Life becomes better. My friends, teachers, and people around me who made my study here so much more meaningful. They made me enjoy living here, studying here. It made me wonder, am I a part of them now?

My friend once called me "a very Singaporean foreigner". How true. I spoke more or less with Singlish now. I enjoyed their food, and I loved the company of my friends. I enjoyed how I spent some of the weekends here. With my friends, going out, eating out.

I've spent 8 years of my life here studying. Isn't it a no-wonder why I enjoyed all these? It's like spending my childhood, and teen-hood here. I wonder when I grow up, how am I going to share all these moments with my peers perhaps, back in my country? We'll be in two different worlds!

And of course not forgetting, as life passes by here, I've met some Indonesian studying abroad here as well. I felt there is three different people that I met. One group is a true-blue Indonesian. They have more Indonesian friends as compared to their Singaporean peers. Another one have a balanced number of both. And lastly, more Singaporean and Indonesian.

I think I belong to the third one.

And of course there are different factors that give rise to such situations. The first group usually belong to people who come to Singapore at a later age (like secondary or so) and just came here recently. The third one, someone who came here at quite a young age. The second one can either be both, just that they want to have a balanced number of friends.

Nope, I don't blame them or something like that. I know some people who regard people like us (or the third group) as something "wrong". Oh Indonesian should go with Indonesian, and we should not forget who we are as Indonesians.

Well not really. Imagine this. I've spent 8 years here with little Indonesian friends. In my primary school, I only have one Indonesian friend In secondary school, more, but towards the end of my secondary school life. There's a lot in poly, just that I have not met them.

So in these 8 years I have lived my life with my other Singaporean peers. Isn't it natural for me to gel in with them more efficiently? I suppose so.

And another matter. The third group of people usually speaks English more than Indonesian. Well that's true, explained above as well. But not for me. Yes I do love and enjoy writing. speaking and expressing myself in English. After all, it's the language medium I've used in my eight years right?

But I will never forget how to speak Indonesian. I still firmly believe that one should never forget his/her mother tongue. We are after all born in the country where we are born in, no matter wherever we are. Well of course for exception are those who migrated at a young age.

And nope, I'm not blaming on some of my friends for speaking English only, and forgetting their mother tongue. Never. Because I know how they feel as well. We are on the same boat. But perhaps I'm on another side of the boat. You know it.

So sometimes I wonder what our real identity is. Are we still Indonesians? Okay exception to those who are Singapore PRs. Or have we transformed into Singaporeans? I think I would just stick to my friend's description.

I am a very Singaporean foreigner.

Friday, August 6, 2010

In life

This situation we never escaped from
Where we got trapped to a void beyond
Our wildest imagination, our wildest dream
A suffering within, that no one feels

Saturday, July 31, 2010

The places I would love to see

If only life were as beautiful
As the fjords of Norway
Or snowy fields of Alaska
I would live each and every day
With zest and hopefulness

If only life were as relaxing
As a stroll in the streets of Italy
Or a walk in the beach of Phuket
I would be blessed and happy
And live my life without regret

If only life were as free
As running on the grassy field in Switzerland
Or a swim in the great Pacific Ocean
There would never be any day
I would live in sadness

If only life were as vibrant
As walking on the streets of France
Or Japan's summer festival dance
Life would never be dull, never be colourless
For its colours would come alive

If only life were as tranquil
As the sunset in Kuta, Bali
Or a walk in Russia's green fields
Life would be a blissful place to live
Where I will always get a sense of peace

If only life were as amazing
As the places I would love to see
I would always live each day of my life
As the most beautiful day of my life

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Selfish?

Maybe I've changed.
Maybe I've not
I may be someone else now
Not the old me anymore

Maybe I just evolved
With "me" still within me
Why? And how?
I am confused, baffled

Is it wrong?
Is it normal
Am I thinking too much?
Or it's the truth that's true.

Maybe I've changed
Maybe they have changed
I am not them,
They are not me

What else could I be?
I am me, am I?

Friday, July 23, 2010

The future

Life is like a chess game. If you are worried of your next move, then the game will not move on.

I thought of this today after I had a wonderful talk with one of my lecturer and some of my classmates. We were talking about careers. The future, the opportunities, the options and more. It was really interesting. Sometimes it makes me wonder that oh, there are more options in the future that I can have.

Do I really have that much options?

And come to think of it, when I finish my education in poly, where will I go? University? Or will I go to work? Or will I go back to my hometown?

No one knows the answer, not even me. I don't know what will happen, what may happen and how. All I know is that ultimately, I am trying to do something I passionately love. Be it music, science, cooking, photography.

Something is missing isn't it?

Sometimes I wonder what will happen in the future. What will I do, and will I enjoy it. Come to think of it, my journey that leads myself to where I am now is quite amazing. I am a Biomed student now. All I ever thought was going to JC after secondary school. And there goes DPA, and here I am taking a diploma in Biomedical Science.

Life can be unpredictable sometimes. It may be useless to predict or hope of what's going to happen. I didn't expect myself to land in poly. It feels weird. But no, I will not regret my choice. This is a decision that I made myself. And I knew in my heart that this is what I want. Even though there are times where I simply ponder, why did I go to DBS?

Why didn't I go to DMAT for example. I love music and that's the course for me. Or perhaps I should go to food science. Because I love cooking. And so why did I choose DBS? Because not only I love science, I aspire one day to be a doctor that saves lives. If not, I want to be a researcher that can find the cures to many diseases. Cancer is one of them.

Life is a mysterious thing. But it is its mysteriousness that makes it such an amazing thing. We always wonder, we always ponder to why this and that happen. But sometimes they are just simply unexplainable, simply left with no answers. And all that we can do, is to simply move on in life.

The journey with so many bumps, the journey with so many turns. It's a never ending stretch of road that are filled with amazing views, and visited occasionally with storms. So, there are times we enjoy, and times we abhor. But what's great about the journey?

Its unpredictability.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

18

It's been 18 years since I write
A book I called life.
Filled with my wrongs and rights
I carried on as new chapters arrive

It's been 18 years since I sing
A song I called life
The smile, the tears and the anger
That made my repertoire a beautiful piece

It's been 18 years since I dance
A dance I called life
The waltz, the salsa and the jive
That never fail to spice up my journey

It's been 18 years since I travel
In a journey I called life
The challenges, the joy, the pain I have raveled
Made this journey all worthwhile

It's been 18 years since I play
In a game I called life
Its ups and downs, twists and turns
Never fail to make me grown stronger

18 years have passed, lots more to come
The lessons I have learnt
The problems I have overcome
Shall be carried together with me

To continue this lovely mix of wonderful things
We called life

Happy Birthday to me :)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Difference

Today I went for a reunion with my primary school friends. Only to realise how much we have all grown up now. We are not who we were. We are who we are now.

And well I felt a sense of awkwardness just now. And a bit of ignored. But well I guess I can't blame it on them to just simply talk to me. I felt this "distance" between us. They were a clique, I was not. It felt like I'm not a part of them. Even though we were once in the same class.

Even though we were once playing and laughing together.

Perhaps it's the difference of cultures we lived in. Or the different ways we were being brought up. Ultimately, the difference in place we spent this eight years up. I am in Singapore, they are here. So ultimately the way they live their lives are different.

I can't totally blame them.

I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that this is the disadvantage of being a foreign student. To emphasise. being a foreign student since young but anyway. I gotta live with it. No choice fretting over it abd blaming one another, including myself.

I just hope that we can still meet up in the future and that we can still contact together. I don't want to put our relationship at stake so yeah.

I'll just hope.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Freedom

Today, I watched "The Best Job In The World" on Natgeo travel channel. It was a fantastic show about how this guy (Ben) got the so called best job in the world as a caretaker of the great barrier reef. All he had to do was to stay on a resort and blog about the barrier reef for a period of time. Well I didn't know all the details but that's about it.

I would really really love to do that too. I can't imagine the feeling of freedom that I will have as I do this job. And the fact that I really love blogging, it's realy awesome isn't it.

And I just think for a moment. And I think, living a life without seeing the world is one of the biggest regret that one could have. I also wish that before I die, I want to let my eyes see the sights of the world, my ears to hear the voice of the world, and myself to be immersed in the culture of other countries.

It's really wonderful, the world that is. And it would be such a waste if one (if given the chance) doesn't see and feel it.

And I believe, everyone has the chance and the opportunity to see the world. Perhaps it's their fate and willingness to do so.

Ciao

Friday, May 7, 2010

Dear life

Sometimes I wonder. What's life without a life that is not yours? Imagine living a life you're assigned to. This is what you do, this is how you do it, no matter what happen you have to do it, no matter what happen you have to carry on living. Sounds good for you? Well not for me.

I wonder what's life without freedom? Imagine being confined in a box in which you can't leave. Doing all the things you want to do, but yet you can't do it. You want to break free from your misery but you can't. In face you will have more misery.

I want a life that is mine. I want to live my own life. I want to do things that I want to do. Yeah, who doesn't? Who doesn't. The question lies in how you are going to live your life of this all-you-want-to-do life.

Sometimes you find obstacles blocking you. In my case, I have many. My heart is one, someone is one, and more. And I just simply wonder, why can't I just live a life that I want to live? Yeah sure, you'll say you can live a life you want to live. Yeah sure.

I saw on TV, we have to live a life. Life stands for, Living In Freedom Everyday. How I wish I could put that into my life. No, I'm not saying I won't get it. I'll just have to wait.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Dear you

Dear you

Hello there. How are you doing? I'm sure you've been great from all these times. I'm sure you do.

I just wanna ask you. Don't you know that everybody loves you?
When you don't realise it, you simply don't feel it.
But I just wanna tell you, everyone loves you!

And maybe, am I one of them? Nobody knows.

Thank you :)

Monday, April 5, 2010

Dilemma

You know it well, that music has been a passion of mine since I was a young kid. I love music, I love listening to music, I love playing music, especially classical music. I would say that I am weird, because when other boys love rock/pop, I have a different liking to classical music.

But it is your difference that makes you a different and unique person.

So well I am now caught in a dilemma, whether to let or don't let go my band life as I enter my polytechnic life. It is truly a different way and outcome I have because I have always think that I will join band in polytechnic, even after I have left my secondary school. I did not imagine that I am thinking of this solution. Of this other option of leaving band.

And I totally don't understand why I made this option. Firstly, my main reason to whether I should not join band is because of my fear of not abling to cope with my studies. Well Biomedical is not something easy as I have heard. So that's my main concern.

Another concern is my talent and skill. Even though I can play the clarinet and/or the flute, I fear that I will be one of the lousiest player in the band. Well this is what makes me wonder the most. Why do I have this feeling when my main purpose of joining the band is to enjoy music? To pursue my passion and dream? Why do I even have to feel inferior to others?

I guess the word to describe this is politics.

Oh well I'm in a dilemma for these few days and it's kind of screwing my mood. I'm thinking and thinking and thinking to the solution of this dilemma. And hope that one day I will find the solution to this dilemma. I hope I can get a solid answer from myself.

Anyway this is my first post with my own laptop in this blog. Okay that was random. See ya.

Music is a huge part of my life. I have to think this with a huge amount of consideration.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Paranoia

Sometimes, well, I'm sure everyone here hates the above tittle. It basically means the feeling of fear that something is gonna happen, without having a concrete proof that it will happen. Well what can you do, sometimes this just go to you. Bang. Paranoid.

Well, I'm such kind of person. Sometimes it just comes to me like in a sudden. And yes I terribly hate this feeling. And sometimes this feeling can go so strongly that it just "takes over" me. I'm learning to cope, and trying to get over with it.

Hopefully writing will help me to get over with it.

Well I can't blame myself or anyone else. I've been having this since I'm quite young. The fear. But well, hopefully I can get over with it, and just let it go.

So well, I pray, and I hope, that this feeling will go away quickly, forever.

And the only way, is to keep believing.

As one saying goes, run towards your fear, and embrace it.

So, let's run!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The rain - Short poem

Right, so I thought the sky was about to cry.
But now it gives me a smile.
I don't know whether I should be happy
Or I should just simply heave a sigh
For what I wish for, didn't come by.

The blistering weather, hot and boilling
Like a melting pot of iron, bubbling with vigor
My sweat beads, flowing like a river
With the sweltering heat wave, I plead
For the weather to cool down happily

Where's my breeze, where's my blue sky
With that lovely wind, and birds that fly
The bliss I seek, the heaven and paradise.
Where are everything, that always seems nice?

Well, I'm waiting.


PS: It's really hot here

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

30 stories

30 stories, I have written.
With my own minds and my thoughts.
Some blabbering, some truth.
Some inspirations, some rants.
More to come.

In this imperfect life of ours :)

Happy 30th post.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Destiny

The rain is residing now, and the sound of the rain drops is disappearing. I'm listening to a music, and the sound of a character from the TV. Today I realised some things in which one can't decipher so easily. Including me. It's amazing when we realise something out of pure blankness and pure sudden.

Well this afternoon I asked myself. Why am I doing this right now? Why am I doing that? Why will I be doing that in the future? One answer, my destiny. Well isn't it true? Like whatever happens, that's your destiny. And destiny is different from luck. It happens and that's your destiny.

So I came up with a line.

The moment we're born, is the moment in which we know that we are no longer truly free in this world. Because the moment we're born, we hop onto the ride we know as destiny.

It's quite true to most of us. If you come and think of it, when we are still inside our mother's womb, when we're still that tiny clump of cells that hang inside the uterus wall, when we are still a zygote, we never, and we did not know anything about the world. We did not know anything about what's gonna happen to us.

But when we're born, somehow everything changes. Because we, will gradually know about the world and our life. The imperfectness, the suffering and everything.

That's why we are no longer free.

Isn't it?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Desolation

She sat down quietly as the wind chimes rang a peaceful melody. The wind, blew like soft silk brushing against her cheek. Her face, wrinkled and old. Her body, small and weak. Then came her dog. She patted him and a smile appeared on her face. A smile she always gave to her only companion for the past three years.

Her house was small and cramped with many goods laying around the floor. Her wall was covered with pictures of her children, her youths and most prominently, her wedding. It had been three long and lonely years after her husband left her forever due to a heart attack. She could remember how painful she felt during his funeral. It was as if losing her own most valuable jewelery in which she endeared the most.

The wind chimes rang again. She stood up and walked towards the kitchen and began preparing her lunch. A simple and noble dish of sliced carrots and cabbage stir-fried. She sat alone on her table, waiting for a company that she knew will never come to her. She began munching her food little by little. Picking up the bits and pieces of food that dropped on her table. She did not realise, that she had been trying to stabilise her hands, which were shaking.

As she finished her last bite, she walked towards her house' door and sat down, enjoying the afternoon breeze. Her dog beside her, sitting down, as if accompanying her. She gave a heave of sigh.

And the wind chimes rang again.