You're a hundred post old

Wanted to write the second chapter to my latest story. But oh well, thankfully I didn't miss this 100th post! :) 

Thank you, La Storia, for being a platform where I can express my happiness, sadness, creativity, heart, mind and life. Where I can talk to someone when I don't want to talk to anyone else. You're always there when no one is beside me. When I'm alone in the middle of a crowd.

Lets write more stories! Make life, the story I'll always read! :)

Yours Truly

Your writer

To Forget - Chapter 1

Ed was sitting on his usual comfy sofa. It's black in colour, lined with leather. He always sit here everyday, for the past 6 months or so. It is located in his white room. Just a small room, 4 by 6 metres, painted in pure white except for one wall, facing the east, which is painted black. In this room, 5 shelves are located. Each shelve containing CDs, books, photo albums, papers, prints, and more things.

This room, is his memory.

It has been six months since Ed heard his worst nightmare. It was as if he heard his death sentence. Ed is suffering from cancer, and he only had 6 months more, approximately, to live. It was a cloudy Friday afternoon when Ed heard the news, accompanied by his son and daughter in law. His little grandson was there too, lucky for him, he was still a baby and thus he didn't hear it. Ed would be hurt if his grandson would hear the news.

Ed was a 85 year old man. He was a retired researcher, musician and part-time photographer. He worked in a research laboratory, and had published quite a few research journals. Some of them were so acclaimed, they were sent to international publications for further research. Many of his students called him "Father Ed". He was kind, passionate and bright to his students. Many researchers were really fond of him. Because he's not only good in the field of science, but he was also a musician.

Ed was also the conductor of a symphonic band in his hometown. It was a crazy idea of him to form a symphonic band in his small hometown. It started with 23, and now the band has grown into a 100-member band who is known in the global level. His band was so huge, that it had to be split into two bands - junior and main band. But when Ed was 60, he decided to give his position to his student conductor, who now continues Ed's legacy, bringing the band into greater heights.

His house is filled with photographs. In his room alone, there is a wall which is filled with hundreds of photo frames, neatly arranged. Ed took all of those photos, since he was 18 years old. It was when he owned his first camera. And from there, the passion just grew and some of his works were published in magazines worldwide. He even won several international competitions. But his true passion did not lie on these awards. He just love photography, and he totally didn't expect any of these awards to come to him.

At times, Ed loves cooking with his family. He was a good cook, and everyone loved his food. In the warmth of his house, he would cook with his son and wife. Had dinner together and everyone was enjoying his meal. As he cooked, his house would be filled with the smell of good food. He would whistle when he cook, or even when he was preparing the ingredients. He had been cooking since he was young. He even kept the recipe books his friends gave him when he was still in secondary school.

"So what should we listen to today?" Ed asked himself, cupping his chin.

Ed stood up from his sofa and took a piece of tissue from the tissue box on the table beside him. He then walked slowly towards the third shelve in his white room and took a music CD from the second compartment from the top. The music CD reads "Jonsi - Go". He used the tissue paper and wiped the CD paper cover repeatedly. He crushed the tissue paper on his hand, and with skills, he tried to throw it into a dustbin a few metres away from him, on the corner of the room, and it went in. Ed grinned shyly.

He walked towards a table in the room, where a stylish and modern music player was placed. White in colour, with a stylish and contemporary design, it was a gift from his son for his 80th birthday. His son knows how much his dad loves music, and how much his dad loves listening to good music. Ed switched on the player and placed the CD into the player. And the music started playing.

Go sing too loud, make your voice break, sing it out!
Go scream do shout, make an earthquake....
You wish fire, would die and turn colder
You wish your love, could see you grow older...
We should always, know that we can do anything


The song is Go Do by Jonsi. His favourite song since he discovered it 67 years ago when he was 18. He remembered how he treated this song as "instant endorphins", where he could just feel happy listening to this song whenever he's sad. The room was then filled with drum beats and the melancholic voice of Jonsi. Ed put his hands up, pointed his finger and started dancing along to the beat.

To Ed, this was his happiest moment everyday.

And life goes on

These days, I just feel like posting short writings on my blog. But then, thanks to my OCD, I don't think that's possible. So alright, I'll just write it here instead of my daily blog.

As we grow older, we tend to realise how life gets tougher. As much as we all hate it, how a simple math sum of 1 + 1 would turn x + y, how plants make food with light, CO2 and water turn to make C6H12O6 with CO2 and light via a chemical reaction forming water and oxygen with the help of chlorophyll in chloroplasts which then involved the carbon cycle and life cycle and food chain and this and that.

I was reading a medical journal just now. I was dreading it. Because somehow I just couldn't understand some parts of it, and some of the lingo out there are just so "question mark" to me. Well I guess it's life of a science student. To be specific, a research student. We have no choice but to do our own research etc. I mean we're humans after all. We have to keep on searching for the answer.

As I tell myself, life is all about asking, and answering. So keep asking, and keep answering!

Going back, well yes I couldn't understand some parts. Then I told myself, how much I wish I could go back to my secondary 4 days where I would just need to read a comprehension passage, answer a few questions, which most answers are found on the text itself (and little requires you to dig out the passage or think outside the box). No research done, just infer.

Well yes, coming back again, as we grow older, so do life gets tougher. I guess I can say life is like a Gaussian curve. ___/\___ something like that. When we grow older, and when we retire, I guess life goes back to the state when we're young and small, enjoying our lives, doing what we do best.

But of course, as life gets tougher, so do our mind, body and heart grow stronger. If these three things don't grow following the intensity of life, I guess... We'll just suffer in all aspects.

So the next time I feel that life is tough. I'll have to make myself tough as well :)

Sentimentalism

I was just sorting out some photos my friends took during our Inner Mongolia OCIP trip. It was... Really tough. Not the sorting out, but fighting the waves of memories that rushed through me.

As I've told previously, I'm a very sentimental. An object, a song, a food, a sight, a smell can trigger my memory and make me feel sentimental in a snap of a finger. It's been about two months since my trip, and I still feel sort of sentimental at times whenever I look at my photos again. Or when I listen to songs I used to listen to when I was there. It can be really tough fighting how sentimental I can be.

Now I really wish I could be back in Duolun once more. Just take me there, and make me happy.

I don't know how to love

I've never, loved. I mean love a girl. Well I did, but it wasn't working out. They happened when we're all young and foolish, and the love I gave was true, while the love she gave wasn't. Long story, but to cut it short, we're just young and foolish. And I don't mind. She clarified it with me why, and she talked to me. And now we're best friends for like 6 years? So we're all good.

I don't know how to love.

I've got to be honest, yes, I like this girl now. We've been spending quite some time together doing things. And thanks to these time spent, we've talked and somehow, my feelings for her just grow. We went to an overseas trip together and that's another thing that makes my heart grown fonder. Not sure if it's the cancer thing, or me, but it's just, it's kind of hard for me to express my love.

I don't know how to love.

To put it frankly, I think I'm in the stage between like and love. These two words carry two different meaning. Love is a stronger, and a more emotionally involved word. I can like a person, but to say I love her, it's just a total different feel. Not sure about you, but I think we should all be going through this stage where we're unsure about love. We're all growing up. It's all part of us.

I don't know how to love.

And to put it frankly as well. I guess it's hard for me to express my love to someone (yes including to my parents, siblings and friends). And what made it worst is I'm not some romantic guy who can think of brilliant ideas to win a girl's heart. Love is such an amazing and at the same time, a confusing thing. And sometimes I do think, that she's someone like me too. You know.

I don't know how to love.

I might be a loser when it comes to love. But when I love I truly love. And it's really out of my league to wish for someone to feel hurt. I guess that's why I'm a loser in love. I don't dare to take the step, cause I'm afraid my girl will be hurt. And what made it worst is that I'm surrounded by such cases of people stopping their love life and then find another. It's appropriate to them. But it sounds scary to me.

As much as I don't know how to love.

I will and I love. And hope one day you'll love me too.

-No worries we're not on the verge of breaking up-

Uncertainties

Something is bothering me, well for the past few days. At times I would simply forget it. At times I would continue to think about it. And of course it's more of the latter. Sometimes life's hard. It gives you a question, and you can't answer. You ask your heart, and you mind would give another answer. You ask your mind, and your heart gives another. I came up with this.

When life asks a question, your heart would usually give the answer. When life asks a question to your mind, the heart would usually give a better answer. But then comes reality who would just give you an answer no matter you like it or not.


I guess that's what I'm experiencing now.

Sometimes I guess we come across this point in our lives where we feel, we -feel- , that we have made a totally wrong choice in life. Sometimes not totally, just wrong choice in life. And then we feel kinda lost. We feel that "oh crap we've made a wrong choice what should I do?" feeling.

I'm worst, I don't know if I make the wrong choice. That sucks.

I've always taken life as a journey. A road leading to nowhere waiting for us to discover and to see. And like roads in your town, there are different kinds of roads. There's straight road, a winding road, a bumpy road and the famous forked road. Or intersection. Then we have to choose where we go. If we go to the left will I regret not going to the right? And vice versa. But what's worst is, if I don't go anywhere, I'll regret both.

Life is all about making choices. When we've made a choice, and, if it turned out that we're not making the right one, we can have two things to do. One is to just continue doing it, till we find the right path that we should belong to. Or two, we can just stop there. But remember that life doesn't turn back. And if you don't move forward, you won't move anywhere. How sucky it is.

So well. I guess all I have to do is to just continue whatever I'm doing. It's not that I feel that I've made a TOTALLY wrong choice. I just felt unsure. And lost. And confused.

If I do make the wrong choice, what will happen. If I make the right choice, what will happen. But I guess as I said, sometimes reality would just slam at your door leaving you in a room whether you like it or not.

Am I really being selfish if I were to go for that, knowing that -that- may not be what I'm doing in the future?

I don't know. And somehow I wouldn't want to know the answer. 

Music?

I've been in a dilemna for the past few weeks. As you all know, I'm a member of the band of my school. A symphonic band. I've been in a band for the past 6 years, playing the clarinet and the flute (for only 1.5 years though). Of course, I enjoy music making, and that's the reason why I joined band. I've been wanting to join a musical ensemble since I'm in primary school.

I wanted to join the Chinese orchestra. But sadly my secondary school doesn't have it. But to me, the band is fine. And I joined the band in the end. Life as a musician is really nice. In my secondary school, my band was pretty small. We're only a 34 member band. Yes, we might not sound as good as the others but somehow, it's our small size that brought us closer to one another.

Band was something I really enjoyed doing. Something that I kinda look forward to every week, even though it's pretty tiring at times. When others can go home after school, we have to stay back from 3-6 for band twice a week. We have our homework and tests and assignments. But we still go to band.

To me, making music is one of life's most joyous things to do. I myself, love to make music. I love to play the piano, sing, play the clarinet, and the flute. Inclusive of the random beatings I like to do on my table or some random objects. Music is a part of my life. And when it's missing, I seriously can't live without it! This is not some statement. Is a fact.

That's why I think it's a lie for someone to say that they can live without music. Cause in one way or another, we all need music in our lives.

Then now comes the problem.

As much as I love music, there are also other things I have to juggle with - studies. Yes, music is a part of my life. But I can't really say that it's MY life. I still have other priorities in life, and one of them is studies. With the new semester, a new way of teaching is being implemented to us. This new method involves many presentations, research and reports. With my band happening twice a week. I really question myself whether I can juggle both properly.

I was kind of "suffering" last semester. It's either me, or well, things just happen at the wrong timing. I was having a concert 10 days before my exams. And I was really. I mean really, I think that was the most stressful moment of my poly life. It's so tough to juggle practices and studies. And what made it worst was the fact that I was having tests around that period.

Then I began to question if I'll be able to juggle this semester well. With the fact that this concert will be an even major one, a bigger one, can I handle it? And with tougher pieces, with the sectional competitions and more pieces, they mean more practices, more sectionals. And with more sectionals and more presentations. I really don't think they're of a good mix.

Sure, I can always try. I always tell myself till you never try then you'll never know. But I really don't want to disappoint my band friends. Especially my section leader. I don't want to drop out halfway. To just simply not play for the concert in the middle of the practices. And yet at the same time, I don't want to just give up now. I'm in one freaking dilemna.

Sigh, and there's one more thing.

Somehow, I feel that band is no longer something I look forward to every week. I'm not sure why, I'm not sure how, I'm not sure what. I'm not sure it's the people, or it's just me. After that trip, I feel really weird and empty about band. It feels like I'm surrounded with people and at the same time I'm being invisible there. I've many stories and cases. Sometimes I don't know what to do. 


Then I also wonder, is it possible to actually lose your passion in band, but not losing your passion for music? Cause that's what I'm feeling right now. I'm losing the passion for band. But I know that I will never lose my passion for music.


Sigh, such a hard decision to make. I don't know.