I don't know how to love

I've never, loved. I mean love a girl. Well I did, but it wasn't working out. They happened when we're all young and foolish, and the love I gave was true, while the love she gave wasn't. Long story, but to cut it short, we're just young and foolish. And I don't mind. She clarified it with me why, and she talked to me. And now we're best friends for like 6 years? So we're all good.

I don't know how to love.

I've got to be honest, yes, I like this girl now. We've been spending quite some time together doing things. And thanks to these time spent, we've talked and somehow, my feelings for her just grow. We went to an overseas trip together and that's another thing that makes my heart grown fonder. Not sure if it's the cancer thing, or me, but it's just, it's kind of hard for me to express my love.

I don't know how to love.

To put it frankly, I think I'm in the stage between like and love. These two words carry two different meaning. Love is a stronger, and a more emotionally involved word. I can like a person, but to say I love her, it's just a total different feel. Not sure about you, but I think we should all be going through this stage where we're unsure about love. We're all growing up. It's all part of us.

I don't know how to love.

And to put it frankly as well. I guess it's hard for me to express my love to someone (yes including to my parents, siblings and friends). And what made it worst is I'm not some romantic guy who can think of brilliant ideas to win a girl's heart. Love is such an amazing and at the same time, a confusing thing. And sometimes I do think, that she's someone like me too. You know.

I don't know how to love.

I might be a loser when it comes to love. But when I love I truly love. And it's really out of my league to wish for someone to feel hurt. I guess that's why I'm a loser in love. I don't dare to take the step, cause I'm afraid my girl will be hurt. And what made it worst is that I'm surrounded by such cases of people stopping their love life and then find another. It's appropriate to them. But it sounds scary to me.

As much as I don't know how to love.

I will and I love. And hope one day you'll love me too.

-No worries we're not on the verge of breaking up-

Uncertainties

Something is bothering me, well for the past few days. At times I would simply forget it. At times I would continue to think about it. And of course it's more of the latter. Sometimes life's hard. It gives you a question, and you can't answer. You ask your heart, and you mind would give another answer. You ask your mind, and your heart gives another. I came up with this.

When life asks a question, your heart would usually give the answer. When life asks a question to your mind, the heart would usually give a better answer. But then comes reality who would just give you an answer no matter you like it or not.


I guess that's what I'm experiencing now.

Sometimes I guess we come across this point in our lives where we feel, we -feel- , that we have made a totally wrong choice in life. Sometimes not totally, just wrong choice in life. And then we feel kinda lost. We feel that "oh crap we've made a wrong choice what should I do?" feeling.

I'm worst, I don't know if I make the wrong choice. That sucks.

I've always taken life as a journey. A road leading to nowhere waiting for us to discover and to see. And like roads in your town, there are different kinds of roads. There's straight road, a winding road, a bumpy road and the famous forked road. Or intersection. Then we have to choose where we go. If we go to the left will I regret not going to the right? And vice versa. But what's worst is, if I don't go anywhere, I'll regret both.

Life is all about making choices. When we've made a choice, and, if it turned out that we're not making the right one, we can have two things to do. One is to just continue doing it, till we find the right path that we should belong to. Or two, we can just stop there. But remember that life doesn't turn back. And if you don't move forward, you won't move anywhere. How sucky it is.

So well. I guess all I have to do is to just continue whatever I'm doing. It's not that I feel that I've made a TOTALLY wrong choice. I just felt unsure. And lost. And confused.

If I do make the wrong choice, what will happen. If I make the right choice, what will happen. But I guess as I said, sometimes reality would just slam at your door leaving you in a room whether you like it or not.

Am I really being selfish if I were to go for that, knowing that -that- may not be what I'm doing in the future?

I don't know. And somehow I wouldn't want to know the answer. 

Music?

I've been in a dilemna for the past few weeks. As you all know, I'm a member of the band of my school. A symphonic band. I've been in a band for the past 6 years, playing the clarinet and the flute (for only 1.5 years though). Of course, I enjoy music making, and that's the reason why I joined band. I've been wanting to join a musical ensemble since I'm in primary school.

I wanted to join the Chinese orchestra. But sadly my secondary school doesn't have it. But to me, the band is fine. And I joined the band in the end. Life as a musician is really nice. In my secondary school, my band was pretty small. We're only a 34 member band. Yes, we might not sound as good as the others but somehow, it's our small size that brought us closer to one another.

Band was something I really enjoyed doing. Something that I kinda look forward to every week, even though it's pretty tiring at times. When others can go home after school, we have to stay back from 3-6 for band twice a week. We have our homework and tests and assignments. But we still go to band.

To me, making music is one of life's most joyous things to do. I myself, love to make music. I love to play the piano, sing, play the clarinet, and the flute. Inclusive of the random beatings I like to do on my table or some random objects. Music is a part of my life. And when it's missing, I seriously can't live without it! This is not some statement. Is a fact.

That's why I think it's a lie for someone to say that they can live without music. Cause in one way or another, we all need music in our lives.

Then now comes the problem.

As much as I love music, there are also other things I have to juggle with - studies. Yes, music is a part of my life. But I can't really say that it's MY life. I still have other priorities in life, and one of them is studies. With the new semester, a new way of teaching is being implemented to us. This new method involves many presentations, research and reports. With my band happening twice a week. I really question myself whether I can juggle both properly.

I was kind of "suffering" last semester. It's either me, or well, things just happen at the wrong timing. I was having a concert 10 days before my exams. And I was really. I mean really, I think that was the most stressful moment of my poly life. It's so tough to juggle practices and studies. And what made it worst was the fact that I was having tests around that period.

Then I began to question if I'll be able to juggle this semester well. With the fact that this concert will be an even major one, a bigger one, can I handle it? And with tougher pieces, with the sectional competitions and more pieces, they mean more practices, more sectionals. And with more sectionals and more presentations. I really don't think they're of a good mix.

Sure, I can always try. I always tell myself till you never try then you'll never know. But I really don't want to disappoint my band friends. Especially my section leader. I don't want to drop out halfway. To just simply not play for the concert in the middle of the practices. And yet at the same time, I don't want to just give up now. I'm in one freaking dilemna.

Sigh, and there's one more thing.

Somehow, I feel that band is no longer something I look forward to every week. I'm not sure why, I'm not sure how, I'm not sure what. I'm not sure it's the people, or it's just me. After that trip, I feel really weird and empty about band. It feels like I'm surrounded with people and at the same time I'm being invisible there. I've many stories and cases. Sometimes I don't know what to do. 


Then I also wonder, is it possible to actually lose your passion in band, but not losing your passion for music? Cause that's what I'm feeling right now. I'm losing the passion for band. But I know that I will never lose my passion for music.


Sigh, such a hard decision to make. I don't know.

Please tell me it's the Sunday's blues

It's... Monday now. Well, Sunday night. I guess it's in everyone of us that we have this sentiment of hating Sunday nights. I guess it's all due to the fact that Monday is here tomorrow and that another week is starting soon. And we all have to back to work after a weekend of rest. And a weekend of fun. But as I said, life has to move on. C'est la vie!

But sometimes I still find it hard. Oh well.

Sometimes there are those moments, that I've always described as "empty" moments. I feel empty, I feel nothing, I think nothing. Emptiness can sometimes be good. But at the same time, to me, this empty feeling is some sulky feeling I hate. But for example, when we meditate, we try to clear our minds of everything. The feeling of getting rid of everything in our mind when we meditate is to me one of the best feelings in life :)

And there's empty feelings, there's also times when I constantly think of things. Some random things, happening things. Basically things. And yes I hate it too when I keep on doing that. It's like being asked a question and not knowing the answer. It's like asking question, not knowing where to get the answer.

We humans are such imperfect creatures aren't we.

Pondering is a normal thing to do for us. We ponder this, we ponder that. We wonder why things happen, we wonder why they don't. But I guess it's good. I firmly believe we should keep on asking questions. Questions about life! About daily happenings.

Never stop asking questions. Till the end of your time.

It's 1:21 AM now. I have to do some things. And I have to sleep. I'm screwed.

Heart talk

It's 3:58 AM now, and I'm writing this while listening to the song Taliin Mongol by a Moorin Khuur ensemble from Mongolia. The song suits the surrounding. Even though I'm in Indonesia, listening to this song makes me feel like I'm in a grassland of Mongolia. With the silence surrounding me, I really feel like I'm in one. Just that the cold temperature and the wind is missing.

Isn't it amazing how music can evoke so many different feelings, emotions and memories?

I'm writing this post because my heart has been feeling really "weird" for the past few days. There's something I want to say but at the same time, I don't know what I want to say. But then yet again, my blog has been a platform where I can talk to, and at the end of the day, I'll feel better after writing. There are some scenarios in life where words speak louder than speech.

It's been about a month plus since my Inner Mongolia trip. I've been missing the trip, and listening to these Mongolian songs just remind me of the trip. It's one amazing journey that I'll never forget. And I'm always reminding myself od how lucky I am to have been chosen for this trip. I've printed the photos, and I'm going to print more. And yeah, that's one way where I can always return to my memories.

Life is pretty short. I'm always up to taking up journeys and travels and venture to the places I've never been to. I came up with the line, life is the world undiscovered. So well, in life, try to discover as much undiscovered place of yours as possible.

Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, died a few days ago. I was shocked by the news, but well, he had been fighting with pancreas cancer for quite some time. I'm sure, his fight will not go to a waste. I truly admire how much he had changed the world's technology with Apple. I'm not an Apple fan myself, I do own an iPod touch and I do use iTunes. But I have to agree how brilliant Apple products are.

My Facebook and twitter is flooding with his quotes. There's one that I love a lot.

Life is short, don't waste it by living someone else's life. Or something along that line.

It's really true, and it get me thinking and thinking.

Thinking.

Age

I was thinking about this on the way back to my hometown last Friday. It's both kinda true and sad, somehow, at the same time. It's about growing up, and returning to yourself.

I came up with this inside the car that night

As we grow up, we tend to go away from our parents and return to myself. We begin to walk in our direction and not in others. We begin to discover who we all are, our potential and ourselves. We begin to distract away from our parents and walk our own paths.


In a way, as we are all growing up, we will realise who we all are. What we're good in, what we can do and our potentials basically. And as we realise our potentials, we discover who we are, and we distract away from out parents. Some go in order to realise their OWN passion and learn it on their own, some just want to be independent. I'm sure you know what I mean.

When we're young our parents always give us direction to where we all should go. As we grow up, they give us more freedom and we travel on our own, our own direction, speed and time. We're truly returning to ourselves.

Sometimes, I feel age is a sad thing. No?

Why

I just got back from my band Korea exchange trip and my Inner Mongolia trip (last week). They are both awesome, I should be blogging about them now and tell you how I feel. But I can't help but to blog about other things just to comfort myself, about how I'm feeling now.

In life we're always asked to question, why? Why does the bird sing, why is the sky blue, why is the song so awesome, why do people cry, why do babies smile, why is life so tough, why is the truth more horrible than lies, why am I like this.

Why am I here.

We always question. Be it question about life, or about reality itself. Sometimes I ask myself, why am I here, born to be who I am, living to be who I am. Why is my destiny like this, why did I go here and there, why did I eat this and that. Why am I studying this, why am I doing that.

Sometimes it comes to me wondering why am I living a life like this. Why can't I live the life of others? Some call it destiny or fate. Some say karma. I'm not sure what it is. I just question why.

Sometimes in life we ask for more, we ask why can't we have a better life than them. And there are times, where I would ask for the worst. Like sometimes I wish I was a poor kid on the street. Or perhaps a young man living in a village beside a sea. Or just a common, normal guy living a simple normal life. Sometimes I wish I were my friend, living his or her life and not mine.

Yet people always say of how much we should be grateful about our being. About our belonging to this earth. About having what we have. While I complain about life, there's someone, somewhere out there who is suffering more than me. But no matter what and when, I always remind myself of how ardous the journey of life can be, and how we should always fight back and continue fighting, and brave the journey.

The uncertainties of life is what trouble me. Is what keeping me wondering to why and how my life will be. I've told you many times of how much I hate thinking of the future. How much I despise it. Not that I don't want my future to come. I just don't know what to do when it does. Not that I'm not prepared, I'm just lost to how it will go, and why it will go.

It's kind of sad, how I live a life with joy and smile in front of others. When deep inside a great problem is fighting with me. When deep inside, I'm struggling down with something.I feel really horrible when I always think of the future. When others are happy and anticipating of the future, here am I dreading it.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I feel really clueless and helpless thinking of the future. It's really tough, in one hand it's me, in one hand it's them. Sometimes thinking about them already makes me feel like crying, when I hear stories, when I think of things.

Sometimes it's true what they say about how money is the root to all evil. The more money we have, the more problems we have.

I love simplicity. Why do we make things complicated? Why can't I have a simple life with a simple job? I don't mind being a farmer in the countryside. A simple man, leading a simple life.

Why?