Oh well

Sigh, I just finished studying some part for a module called genetic and molecular biology. Oh gosh honestly, I hate genetics, and will never be want to be a genetic scientist. And the ironic thing is that I wanna be a scientist that handles with bacteria and stuff, cause they're interesting. Was reading about DNA replication in eucaryotes and I go booms.

Oh Buddha please bless me and GM bio :/

But reading stuff just now lightens my burden in the ever increasing worry I have for GM bio.

Currently I'm in my hometown, and yes it's been quite a long time since I blogged here. Pretty busy, and I always keep forgetting to blog here event hough I have lots of things to talk about. And well I guess it's too late to write what I wanted to.

Well... It's pretty hard, I've told you here of how much I dread my future. Of the mysteries and wonders I've been thinking of, and the problem I've always think about, to how I want it to be. It's pretty sad and scary to always think of the future. In a way one, I don't know what lies ahead, and two, if -that- is going to be my future, then I will really go feel... I don't know.

It's pretty hard, I always tell myself how selfish we all are in our own different ways. I think I'm selfish, and I think he's selfish, no? But no one can tell really, who knows the future? No one. But no matter what lies ahead, I'm just going to think and live the present like really live it. Pointless to think of the future always, whether it'll turn out right, or wrong. Cause no one knows!

Take life as a chess game. If you keep on thinking whether you'll win or lose this game, then you'll never be focussed on your game right now. Since you're thinking WHETHER you'll win or not, instead of thinking on HOW to win it. If you're always on thinking of your past, lets say you have lost a game. Then the same thing happened. Fear will not let you go anywhere.

So well, I maybe a foolish dreamer, that always remind myself, tell myself, write here and there, of how I just want to focus and live the present. But I'm also a dreamer that hopes for the future. I'm a dreamer that dreams big, that hopes for the better to come. As foolish as I may seem, I will always dare to dream, and never stop dreaming.

So I'm sorry, but I want, and I will graduate with a good diploma in two years time. As for the future?

Who knows :)

Too much

I just want to add something.

I think I'm just thinking too much.

Emptiness

Alright I'm giving myself 15 minutes to blog this post.

Have you ever wondered, or felt this kind of feeling before? This... Empty feeling. Not saying that you're emotionless, AKA not happy, not sad, not stressed, not relaxed. I don't know how to put it in words. It's just empty. That's the only word that can explain it. It feels weird I know, but have you felt that way?

I do, and I always do.

I don't know what causes it, it's just this really empty feeling that I can't describe. For me, the feeling is accompanied by this heart-wrenching feeling. Like a tad feeling of someone pinching your heart, or poking it with needles. It's the same feeling as my after-holiday-trips feeling. Empty. Not that you're moodless to do things or something like that.

I'm going round and round, I've realised.

Nevertheless, I've been back in my hometown for a week now. I'm happy that I've finished quite a lot of things, yes it really sucked to have exams waiting for you ahead of your holiday, and assignments, waiting to be done before the holiday comes to an end. But at the same time, I'm intrigued. Who knows the new system of exams-after-holidays is better?

Which I doubt so.

And of course going back means... Thinking of "those things". Never fail to do so, and I hate it a lot to think about that. But it's inevitable. I guess it is evitable. I just have to do two things. Think positively, and always hope for the best. And these two things are not something that's easily achieved. It's hard you know, sometimes to do things that somehow go against you, or something like that.

I would like to take this holiday to rejuvenate. 7 weeks of poly life in year 2 is not really a smooth and easy path we all take. I'm sure all of us deserve this good holiday to rejuvenate as well. And yes, I deserve it too. But oh well. this holiday to me will be a self-deserving one. I'll be the one that plans how this holiday can happen to allow me to rejuvenate as well.

I've been in constant thought of the future, of what he had told me, of lots of things. I hate thinking of all these things and try my best to get away from them as far, as much, as possible. It's just heartbreaking, and painful both in the physical and mental way. And of course, I will always, as always, tell myself to just live the present to the fullest. And let time take me to the future.

Sometimes people say. You work hard for yourself, and not for others. To my content, it's true. I'll just continue to work hard, for myself. For the sense of my own satisfaction, for the sense of my own accomplishment. It's pointless to think of this and that. I guess life will just take its course naturally. Law of attraction.

I am one selfish bitch. But I can't help it.

C'est la vie, que sera sera. Lets just live the present to the fullest, the future's not for us to see, que sera sera.

Sigh...

12 minutes :)

Sigh

Why must you always tell me that.

I hate it when we're stuck in that conversation about that topic.

I have my own viewpoint which I know you'll find meaningless.

And I know it won't be a waste of time.

It's an experience I will never forget.

Sigh.

Nevertheless, I will always look on the bright side, and be positive always.

Hope for the future, shout it, don't whisper

Leaving

Oh well, tomorrow my sister will be leaving for Indonesia, for good. She has finished her studies here and so she's going to return to my hometown to help out both of my parents. Which means, I'll be left alone here, with also the fact that my cousin is leaving as well. And my sis' bf has also returned for good. I'm all alooonnneee!!!

Well I still have my friends, thankfully.

I guess, as I always tell myself, it's good to always look things on the bright side. Despite the fact that I'll be alone, look on the bright side! I'll be more independent, more mature, and I guess, more freedom. So not all bad things are bad, there's always a good side to every bad thing! That's why life is such an imperfect journey.

But what I'm going to hate is the fact that no one is going to eat dinner with me every weekend. No one to eat out with, to shop with, to accompany me to do this and that with. I'm alone I guess. And I doubt it's good to actually ask my friends all the time to go out with me. Not only money will be spent, I'm sure they want to have their own time too.

Honestly speaking, I don't know how life will go on.

At least I'll still be having one more week of school and then it's holiday. And I can meet my sister again back in Indo. But... When I return back to Singapore after the holiday. That's it, I'll be alone from then on. But I guess.. I'll just have to get used to it. It's like my first time studying in Singapore. Not having my parents around. First 3 days were horrible but then I got used to it.

So I guess it's the same for this situation. Give me a week or so and I should feel fine :) It's all in the matter of getting used to the surrounding and the situation.

What I think also, was....

I can't imagine, I can't picture, and I somehow can't accept the fact that 2 years later, I'm leaving too.

But, lets not think of that, lets make the remaining 1.75 years of my poly life beautiful

Criticism

Edwin and I were sitting down in the hall. The professor, looking as stern as a judge was sitting on a chair, scribbling things on a piece of paper. It must be tough for that guy I thought.

Edwin and I are music students in a music conservatory. We were waiting for our critics regarding our compositions. My turn was up next. And this was my first time where my composition is being judged by a professor. Before this, the only people who criticised me would be people in Youtube. Whose critics will be "Nice song :)" or "I think it sounds a bit weird" or more.

"I won't be surprised if you cry after this" Edwin whispered, "He's a tough one"

I swallowed a gulp of saliva as my heartbeat increased out of the sudden, after Edwin told me that. Ridiculous thoughts were running in my mind. From the professor banging his table, throwing my scores in the air, shouting so loudly that the music hall will be filled with anger, punching me, shouting right in front of my face, and more. It's... Plain ridiculous I thought.

The professor then looked at me and signalled me to approach him. Time for doom I suppose. I braved myself up and walked towards him. With my heart racing like a bar of crescendo and 100 bars of accelerandos. I stood in front of him, and he asked me:

"Good news first? Or bad news first?"

"Bad news" I replied, at least the good news will make me feel good.

The professor put down his glasses and gave his back a stretch. He stared at me right into my eyes and folded his hands. Then he sat back up straight, cupping his fingers.

"Honestly speaking, your composition lacks of depths. There's no creativity, it's boring, plain, monotonous, and horrible. You have no sense of maturity in your composition. Anyone can compose a song like that! It's just too plain boring. Put it this way, your composition is so horrible, no orchestra should play it."

He stopped for a while, and then continued

"The good news is, that's all for your bad news"

I was feeling horrible. Never in my life had anyone criticised me in such brutal manner. I felt really horrible. I wanted to break down and cry and just said thank you and walked off. But I pulled myself together. There's something wrong with the way the professor criticised my composition. There's something I have to say to the professor.

"Dear professor, I would like to ask you a few questions. In which manner does my composition lack of depth? How can I improve my compositions so that it will not be boring? How can I improve my creativity? In what way is my composition horrible?" I asked

"There's nothing I can answer to those questions. I'm a professor, I know that your composition is not good enough. In fact, there's no need for answering those questions. Trust me, your composition is just too...."

And I cut the professor, rising my tone a little bit.

"Dear professor, I will not leave this hall until you give me an answer to every question I asked to you just now. I will not. How do you think all these musicians in this school can make great music if this is the way you criticise our compositions?! Yes I know that my song is horrible, but in what freaking way?"

I caught a breath.

"It is as if you're a mathematician who formulates an equation without having the elaboration to work it out. You are not solving the problem at all! I repeat. I WILL NOT leave the concert hall until you give me the answers to my questions"

Edwin walked towards me and put his hands on my shoulder, calming me down. I whispered to him saying that I'm not angry or anything of that sort. I just need an answer.

The professor looked at me, with his mouth opened in a gap. He then asked me

"Adhi, how about, we get a cup of coffee instead?"

Felt so good after writing an essay once more! :)

It is as if you're a mathematician who formulates and equation without having the elaboration to work it out. You are not solving the problem at all

Price tag

I'm supposed to be sleeping. Or... Studying. But ah well, here am I ended up in this blog. So I guess no choice but to continue writing I suppose?

I just want to talk about something. Money.

A friend of mine randomly asked me a few days ago.

"Hey you're rich right?"

And honestly speaking, I'm stunned by it. Not because it's reverse psychology, and I don't know how to answer it, and I got shocked. But just because... I don't know how to answer the question. And honestly speaking, it's a pretty weird and uncertain question to be asked, yet alone, answered. But oh well, what if, there are two scenarios.

If I'm actually poor:

Nope, I'm not rich... I came from a poor family.

If I'm actually middle-income:

Nope I'm not. I come from a middle income family!

If I'm actually rich:

I'm not rich. Even if I am rich, I don't want to feel rich, and I don't want to be rich.

I once came up with the quote. To be rich, without feeling rich. And to be poor without feeling poor. That's one of life's greatest bliss. And I think it's pretty true. I just want to live a simple life. A normal life where it's all balanced. As a matter of fact, I would rather dine in simple and homy restaurants rather than those high class restaurant. I would buy simple clothings rather than branded ones. I would just rather live a simple life.

So to actually ask me such questions, I'm a bit shocked. Cause I simply don't know how to answer the question. And as you can see, my answer above. It would be pretty weird, and confusing if I were to give that answer. And I'm sure my question will lead to that two words - reverse psychology. And thus, there's no definite answer is there?

But yes, that's my answer. I don't count myself as being rich. I don't want to feel rich. Even if I'm rich, I don't want to indulge myself, lavish myself with money. I don't think it's something right, something worth doing.

Cause at the end of the day, you will leave this earth with the legacy you left on life.

You will not leave your price tag on earth.