Friends

I'm not too sure, am I being too sensitive? Or this is the truth about me. I'm going to talk about friends, or basically people around you whom you talk to, communicate with, play with, laugh with, smile with, eat with, and more.

Of all my 4 years in Tanglin Secondary, I realised I didn't have a best friend. I mean really, a BEST friend. Someone whom I eat with everyday, go to school everyday, hangout with every weekend, do homework together, revise together. Anyway, ask yourself. What -is- your definition of a best friend?

Is he/she someone who truly reflects you? Or perhaps someone who understands you? Is he/she someone who you want them to "follow" you around? Be it to where you're going, or be it your trends and your hobby? Or basically someone whom you like to be with, and enjoy the company they give you?

What is a best friend?

I'm not even sure if I were to call -A- (prefer to disclose) my best friend. Even though I regarded A as my best friend, does A regard me as A's? And there are times which made me think once again about my question. Because sometimes A is acting like he's not even my friend. And the incident which involves A, B (and another I prefer to disclose) and me, made me even think further.

The past is the past, all I could do now is to smile to the past. The bitter-sweet past.

Now lets talk about cliques. Personally, I regarded myself as a floater. I learnt this new term from a friend. Floaters are basically people who mix around with everybody. They don't have a clique, they don't have a group. Just floating around here and there. Sometimes being a floater is hard. Cause not everyone will accept you. People may just regard you as an "extra" I called it.

I don't have a clique. I do, however, have friends. Friends that I like to be with, to be with them, play with them, go out with them, study with them. And honestly, my friends, are my friends. They are not a group of people whom I choose to be with. Perhaps it's my easy-going personality that makes me think this way, because I know some people can't just apply this rule to themselves.

And of course, I choose people wisely. People who might create trouble aren't my friends. People who are like similar poles to me are not what I want. People who gel in easily, are my friends. I mean I'm sure you don't want to have friends which you don't like isn't it? You're then wasting your own time, and somehow, "betraying" them.

But today, I came up with a line:

"If life has a textbook, its first chapter should be: Life is imperfect, and you have no choice but to ACCEPT it"

So try your best to love the people whom you hate. Of course I'm not mentioning about people whom you hold grudges with. I'm referring to friends whom you don't like because of a simple, or if not less-serious imperfectness in them. You have to accept them the way they are. Love them, not hate them.

Personally, to those people whom I hate, I'll still regard them as a friend. But I won't be so close to them. If they need help, sure I'll help. But sometimes, life is just so unfair, and you'll turn your back.

You know, sometimes I realise. I'm always caught in this situation. This. Situation. I shall not elaborate here, but it feels like you are somehow, alone. Even though you have quite a few friends beside you. But I feel, alone. And they feel, together. It feels like I'm not totally part of them, even though I do regard them as a friend.

Alone, that's a nice word hehe.

So that's why I ask myself in the beginning. Am I being to sensitive? Or is this the truth that occurs to me. Is it jealousy? Or is it fact. Seriously, this happened all the way from primary school, up till now.

Well sometimes I do feel horrible about it. I mean well yeah, sometimes I'm someone who love to ignore things. I'll just say "nahh..." but deep inside, there's always this side to where I feel a bit pinched on the heart.

So, am I thinking too much?

Regret?

As I've mentioned in my previous post, I fear that all I have done in my life so far will go into the drain. And will I regret it?

As much as I can say. No I will not regret it.

Being in the course that knowledge may not be used in the future, doing things I love, that only I can truly myself enjoy, the blood, sweat and tears I have for all of these years, I will never regret this experience.

If I were to regret this, then my life would be meaningless.

I tell myself I will not regret anything, I'll try my best to look on the bright side all the time, even though sometimes my smile is just a facade to hide my pain inside. But life is nothing but filled with regrets, and it is how we accept how things have gone for us that differentiate us between a strong person, and a weak one.

I tell myself that:

The only time I will regret the things I did, or the choices I've made, would be when I become a wondering spirit. For life is too short to be filled with regrets.

Ask yourself. What you wanna be?

Today I've learnt a painful lesson. A lesson which I hated, but a lesson which I treasured. Sometimes life is unfair. Wait, life is NEVER fair. Why would it be fair?

I learnt that in poly, we cannot simply rely on the things we do now. Our actions depend on the future. And today I've learnt how painful it is.

My lecturer asked me. Ask yourself, what you want to be in the future? If you are really interested here, then you should go. If you're not, then you shouldn't waste your time.

I've always loved it, to me learning new things are pretty much a joy. Life is too short to be wasted in things we don't do, and things we don't get the chance to do. I want to be a phlebotomist. I don't mind. I don't mind learning phlebotomy, but will I be able to use it in the future?

Of course the answer would lie more in the "no" side. Of course. I just hated the fact that one day in the future, what I have learnt, what I have spent my time, my blood, swear and tears would gone to a waste. I fear that it would happen. But I keep on telling myself to always look on the bright side. As much as I will lose these work I spent, there is always another good side, of life, that I believe would appear.

Am I being a fool for telling me something that might not even happen?

I hate the fact that I may not do the things I love to do in the future. I hate the fact that all my years of hardwork will go into the drain. I hate the fact that I may not be who I was in the future. I hate, thinking about the future.

I always tell myself, don't worry about the future, forget the past and let it be a memory, and let the present be the battery that keeps you going forward. But as I told myself once more, that I somehow couldn't get out of my future. It's there.

It's inevitable? That is a question that no one can answer, no one.

In life, I have so many questions left unanswered, that I sometimes think no one would ever be able to answer them. Including myself.

So before you make decisions, ask yourself. What you wanna be? And think deeply, whether that will suit you, and how it may affect the future or not.

As the song Defying Gravity says - I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. But the song also says - Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know.

I will never know.

Can I just please go?

I seriously need to go for an escape. I want to run away from reality. Sometimes thinking about it makes my heart wrench painfully. And yet I can't run away from the fact that I will always be reminded of that.

Thinking of the future makes me feel like crying, makes me sad, makes me horrible. So I always try to forget about it, and be constantly reminded of the present.

But again, I can't run away from thinking about that situation.

Life is a suffering, and destiny is such an unfair reality.

If they say that we can't change destiny, then I suppose I know why life is a suffering.

But who knows I will change the saying one day.

What an irony, it's such a beautiful today and I'm feeling horrible now. It's just so horrible, I hate this kind of feeling.

Now I hope you understand why sometimes I don't call this a holiday.

Reality

I guess I watched too much TV, read too many story books, read too many magazines, and dream too much. My personal thought about the word "holiday" or "vacation" will be nothing else but a holiday. Nothing else but having the best time in the world.

I would do what I want to do, perhaps going for a road-trip, or maybe travelling to places I want to go. I would do things that I have not been able to do due to school, like chilling out, reading my story books, watching movies, television shows, exercise and more. Perhaps learning something new. I would do the things I enjoy doing, which time had restricted me during school. Write a story, play the piano, practise my clarinet and more.

Am I doing all these? Well not all, or perhaps, really little.

I guess reality is not in front of my eyes. I have been dreaming of all of these things I wish I could do during my holidays, and of course I'm not doing it. Sometimes it's ironic how I actually become depressed, sometimes, during my holiday. As weird as that may have sounded, yes I felt that at times.

I'm not depressed about my work, or about my projects, or my upcoming school semester. I'm depressed about life. I know that may be really over-the-top but seriously, yes I am pretty much depressed about reality.

In movies I watched, holidays are meant for youths like us to enjoy. In books I've read, people go to different places during a holiday. In magazines, I drooled upon seeing those exotic destinations for a holiday. Those enchanting places.

I guess that's not reality. Right?

Well the fact that I'm going back to my hometown during my holidays sort of pleases me. Of course, I miss my hometown, and most importantly, my family. The warmth of my house, I mean really my house, can never be beaten anywhere else, except in your own home.

So I guess, THIS is my holiday.

But as much as it is a holiday, of course we have to fill it with things right? So well I guess, my holiday is not really filled with the things I wanna do. But well. A holiday is still a holiday.

So there goes my wish, every night. I wish that my vacation here will always be a good and enjoyable one, and not a depressing one instead. I really wish that this wish will, and will continue to come true.

I may be a selfish dreamer.

Do you think it's that easy?

I've always loved a simple life. A life like a commoner, a life like a normal person. Perhaps a countryside, or maybe a tiny county. The sense of camaraderie that I shall feel, the warmth of the people, their smiles, their loves.

I want a life, where money doesn't revolve around me. Like how the earth revolve around the sun. Just a simple life I can enjoy, I can truly love,

and I can truly own.

I ask myself. Why can't everyone enjoy this kind of life?

And I reply to myself.

Do you think it's that easy?

My Childhood Days

I was thinking of this a few days back, like how I used to spend my childhood days back when I was young. I guess it's good to write it, and relive it through a story.

My Childhood Days

I used to remember back then, when I was still in primary school here. How I spent my day. A weekday would be spent majorly on homework. When I returned home, I would first have my lunch, watched TV, then start on my work. I remember those days when I would quickly pretend to study when my mum arrived home from work. Like I would seriously rush from wherever I was to my study bench to study.

The weekend is an awesome one. Since we did not have a holiday on Saturdays here, Saturdays used to be my most favourite day of the week. And since school ended early, if I'm not wrong it was 11/12 o clock. Unless there's CCA, and thankfully my CCA was not mostly on Saturdays. So when I reached home, the first thing I would do was to wash my shoe.

I would go to the toilet and brush my shoe with a little soap and water, and then put them under the sun to dry it for the whole day. If there was rain I'll extend it to Sundays. After that I would be the happiest kid in the world. I would play, just play, anything with my cousins. And if my other cousins would come, we would be having the best times of our lives.

My most favourite section of my Saturdays would be the evening. I remember back those days, where we would go to "depan". Basically it refers to the entrance of my dad's factory. There is a slope there, where we used to cycle on top and cycle down. Played catching there, or more.

And if time, and our parents permit, we would go to "jajan". It means to buy little snacks at this shop near our house, but to get there, we would have to go to this path where it was sort of "adventerous". We would call it a little adventure of ours. Back then it was really really cool to go there. We used to call it a little adventure we had.

I sort of regretted, or if not, I should say thanks to the lack of technology, I did not take those pictures, I think it will be a really good memory if we were to take pictures while we're doing this. And I really really miss the sunsets I used to see when we went to "depan" during those Saturdays.

In the evening, I would sleep late. And I love it. Cause when we were young, I think sleeping late was a cool thing. It sorts of replace the "sleep early rule" we always have during the weekdays. And the night would be even be more awesome when my cousins stayed over. Sometimes they would sleep at my house, if not, my grandma or aunt's house.

Then on Sundays, it will be slackish day for me, and quite a hectic one at night. I would wake up in the morning to watch my favourite cartoon. Be it Digimon, Doraemon or others. I would defy my mum for not bathing early, I remember how she used to scold me if I didn't bathe before 10. And if not, Sundays would be spent on my religious class. Which spreads from 10 to about 12 I think.

After that, in the afternoon, I would go shopping with my mum. It's a weekly shopping thing, so I was really happy to go shopping. Sometimes I would beg my mum to buy me some things, like toys. I love robots and stuff, so I would bug her just to get one. And of course she would gladly refuse to buy it for me.

And at night, I would call it a hectic one. Why? Cause I will be busy doing my homework for Monday. After two days of lovely lazying around and playing around, that's when the hardwork begins. Thankfully I usually have the time to finish it. Oh, not forgetting the tests as well, sometimes I would spend the night studying for it.

Those were my childhood days.

I really miss them now, really really miss them now. Sometimes I would ponder about those days, and compare them with today. Of course, the difference is relativly huge. I mean really huge. Those days was so much better. Happier. More relaxed. Sometimes I hate the fact that we all have to grow up. And then leave these days behind.

But then life has to move on. Now we go on our own separate ways, We have our own things to do, and life moves on. Even though those days may be left behind, I will also leave them inside my heart, inside this tiny little memory of mine, and shall carry it this I heave my last breath.

And till today, I still long to return to my childhood days.