Ask yourself. What you wanna be?

Today I've learnt a painful lesson. A lesson which I hated, but a lesson which I treasured. Sometimes life is unfair. Wait, life is NEVER fair. Why would it be fair?

I learnt that in poly, we cannot simply rely on the things we do now. Our actions depend on the future. And today I've learnt how painful it is.

My lecturer asked me. Ask yourself, what you want to be in the future? If you are really interested here, then you should go. If you're not, then you shouldn't waste your time.

I've always loved it, to me learning new things are pretty much a joy. Life is too short to be wasted in things we don't do, and things we don't get the chance to do. I want to be a phlebotomist. I don't mind. I don't mind learning phlebotomy, but will I be able to use it in the future?

Of course the answer would lie more in the "no" side. Of course. I just hated the fact that one day in the future, what I have learnt, what I have spent my time, my blood, swear and tears would gone to a waste. I fear that it would happen. But I keep on telling myself to always look on the bright side. As much as I will lose these work I spent, there is always another good side, of life, that I believe would appear.

Am I being a fool for telling me something that might not even happen?

I hate the fact that I may not do the things I love to do in the future. I hate the fact that all my years of hardwork will go into the drain. I hate the fact that I may not be who I was in the future. I hate, thinking about the future.

I always tell myself, don't worry about the future, forget the past and let it be a memory, and let the present be the battery that keeps you going forward. But as I told myself once more, that I somehow couldn't get out of my future. It's there.

It's inevitable? That is a question that no one can answer, no one.

In life, I have so many questions left unanswered, that I sometimes think no one would ever be able to answer them. Including myself.

So before you make decisions, ask yourself. What you wanna be? And think deeply, whether that will suit you, and how it may affect the future or not.

As the song Defying Gravity says - I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. But the song also says - Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know.

I will never know.

Can I just please go?

I seriously need to go for an escape. I want to run away from reality. Sometimes thinking about it makes my heart wrench painfully. And yet I can't run away from the fact that I will always be reminded of that.

Thinking of the future makes me feel like crying, makes me sad, makes me horrible. So I always try to forget about it, and be constantly reminded of the present.

But again, I can't run away from thinking about that situation.

Life is a suffering, and destiny is such an unfair reality.

If they say that we can't change destiny, then I suppose I know why life is a suffering.

But who knows I will change the saying one day.

What an irony, it's such a beautiful today and I'm feeling horrible now. It's just so horrible, I hate this kind of feeling.

Now I hope you understand why sometimes I don't call this a holiday.

Reality

I guess I watched too much TV, read too many story books, read too many magazines, and dream too much. My personal thought about the word "holiday" or "vacation" will be nothing else but a holiday. Nothing else but having the best time in the world.

I would do what I want to do, perhaps going for a road-trip, or maybe travelling to places I want to go. I would do things that I have not been able to do due to school, like chilling out, reading my story books, watching movies, television shows, exercise and more. Perhaps learning something new. I would do the things I enjoy doing, which time had restricted me during school. Write a story, play the piano, practise my clarinet and more.

Am I doing all these? Well not all, or perhaps, really little.

I guess reality is not in front of my eyes. I have been dreaming of all of these things I wish I could do during my holidays, and of course I'm not doing it. Sometimes it's ironic how I actually become depressed, sometimes, during my holiday. As weird as that may have sounded, yes I felt that at times.

I'm not depressed about my work, or about my projects, or my upcoming school semester. I'm depressed about life. I know that may be really over-the-top but seriously, yes I am pretty much depressed about reality.

In movies I watched, holidays are meant for youths like us to enjoy. In books I've read, people go to different places during a holiday. In magazines, I drooled upon seeing those exotic destinations for a holiday. Those enchanting places.

I guess that's not reality. Right?

Well the fact that I'm going back to my hometown during my holidays sort of pleases me. Of course, I miss my hometown, and most importantly, my family. The warmth of my house, I mean really my house, can never be beaten anywhere else, except in your own home.

So I guess, THIS is my holiday.

But as much as it is a holiday, of course we have to fill it with things right? So well I guess, my holiday is not really filled with the things I wanna do. But well. A holiday is still a holiday.

So there goes my wish, every night. I wish that my vacation here will always be a good and enjoyable one, and not a depressing one instead. I really wish that this wish will, and will continue to come true.

I may be a selfish dreamer.

Do you think it's that easy?

I've always loved a simple life. A life like a commoner, a life like a normal person. Perhaps a countryside, or maybe a tiny county. The sense of camaraderie that I shall feel, the warmth of the people, their smiles, their loves.

I want a life, where money doesn't revolve around me. Like how the earth revolve around the sun. Just a simple life I can enjoy, I can truly love,

and I can truly own.

I ask myself. Why can't everyone enjoy this kind of life?

And I reply to myself.

Do you think it's that easy?

My Childhood Days

I was thinking of this a few days back, like how I used to spend my childhood days back when I was young. I guess it's good to write it, and relive it through a story.

My Childhood Days

I used to remember back then, when I was still in primary school here. How I spent my day. A weekday would be spent majorly on homework. When I returned home, I would first have my lunch, watched TV, then start on my work. I remember those days when I would quickly pretend to study when my mum arrived home from work. Like I would seriously rush from wherever I was to my study bench to study.

The weekend is an awesome one. Since we did not have a holiday on Saturdays here, Saturdays used to be my most favourite day of the week. And since school ended early, if I'm not wrong it was 11/12 o clock. Unless there's CCA, and thankfully my CCA was not mostly on Saturdays. So when I reached home, the first thing I would do was to wash my shoe.

I would go to the toilet and brush my shoe with a little soap and water, and then put them under the sun to dry it for the whole day. If there was rain I'll extend it to Sundays. After that I would be the happiest kid in the world. I would play, just play, anything with my cousins. And if my other cousins would come, we would be having the best times of our lives.

My most favourite section of my Saturdays would be the evening. I remember back those days, where we would go to "depan". Basically it refers to the entrance of my dad's factory. There is a slope there, where we used to cycle on top and cycle down. Played catching there, or more.

And if time, and our parents permit, we would go to "jajan". It means to buy little snacks at this shop near our house, but to get there, we would have to go to this path where it was sort of "adventerous". We would call it a little adventure of ours. Back then it was really really cool to go there. We used to call it a little adventure we had.

I sort of regretted, or if not, I should say thanks to the lack of technology, I did not take those pictures, I think it will be a really good memory if we were to take pictures while we're doing this. And I really really miss the sunsets I used to see when we went to "depan" during those Saturdays.

In the evening, I would sleep late. And I love it. Cause when we were young, I think sleeping late was a cool thing. It sorts of replace the "sleep early rule" we always have during the weekdays. And the night would be even be more awesome when my cousins stayed over. Sometimes they would sleep at my house, if not, my grandma or aunt's house.

Then on Sundays, it will be slackish day for me, and quite a hectic one at night. I would wake up in the morning to watch my favourite cartoon. Be it Digimon, Doraemon or others. I would defy my mum for not bathing early, I remember how she used to scold me if I didn't bathe before 10. And if not, Sundays would be spent on my religious class. Which spreads from 10 to about 12 I think.

After that, in the afternoon, I would go shopping with my mum. It's a weekly shopping thing, so I was really happy to go shopping. Sometimes I would beg my mum to buy me some things, like toys. I love robots and stuff, so I would bug her just to get one. And of course she would gladly refuse to buy it for me.

And at night, I would call it a hectic one. Why? Cause I will be busy doing my homework for Monday. After two days of lovely lazying around and playing around, that's when the hardwork begins. Thankfully I usually have the time to finish it. Oh, not forgetting the tests as well, sometimes I would spend the night studying for it.

Those were my childhood days.

I really miss them now, really really miss them now. Sometimes I would ponder about those days, and compare them with today. Of course, the difference is relativly huge. I mean really huge. Those days was so much better. Happier. More relaxed. Sometimes I hate the fact that we all have to grow up. And then leave these days behind.

But then life has to move on. Now we go on our own separate ways, We have our own things to do, and life moves on. Even though those days may be left behind, I will also leave them inside my heart, inside this tiny little memory of mine, and shall carry it this I heave my last breath.

And till today, I still long to return to my childhood days.

Simple

Today, I went to my dad's garden. Well basically he bought a plot of land here, near the mountain, and decided to turn it into a garden where different sorts of plantations were planted. And of course, the crops will be sold. Seems really exciting for me, it's like a new kind of business, apart from the factory and the hospital.

And one which I would really love.

Why? Why would someone young like me like gardening? Where most of the youths about my age would be so eew-y about the mud, soil and others. Well I love the fact that firstly, I'm close to nature, secondly, I'm working in a refreshing environment, and thirdly, I feel that I have more freedom.

More freedom, in a sense that I'm working in an environment where life is like limitless. In nature, under the sky, with the breeze of the wind against your face. Where the temperature is cold and refreshing, when life winds down as if time has stopped. As if you have been transported to another realm in your life. It's just wonderful.

Where life seems like a dream. Where you're not limited to the walls of your office.

Oh well, I hope the prospect of having this business would make my dad sort of... "More interested" in this kind of business. I mean seriously, I don't mind working there at all. Be it me being a farmer, me being a supervisor, anything. I really love this kind of job!

In fact I wish that in this vacation, I can work in the field for a day and try the life of a farmer. I think it will be really fun don't you think so?

Okay I think I have digressed quite a lot from what I wanna say.

Ultimately, I want to lead a simple life.

A life where it doesn't revolve around people that simply gives me stress (like some people here, who gives us headache). A life where I would always smile, and enjoy the things I do. A life where I live a life that is mine. I repeat, mine.

Sometimes I just wonder whether I will live such a life. Even though deep in my heart I always wish I will. So here goes a line I thought of today.

Time is the ultimate answer to almost all of life's questions. Because only time would tell.

Well, I've always speak of things like this. And as I've always said, I only wish that this will come true. And when one believes, one will make it. Hmm?

My Little Escape - Episode 3

The morning was cold. I could hear the wind howling against my window. Little drops of rain, rippled through the air, making silent sounds that woke me up in that cold morning in Moscow, Russia. And I told myself, I have to wake up.

I was surprised when my teacher in France sent me an email, three weeks ago, offering me to play in a recital in one of Russia's prestigious music school. She told me it was a friendly recital, musicians all over the world were invited to play. One of them was my favourite pianist - Lang Lang.

To end my journey, I decided to go on the wild and adventerous side of traveling.

I'm taking, the Siberian Expressway to Beijing.

My parents were shocked to hear me making that decision. So did I. I did not imagine myself taking this form of travelling back, but I told myself, it's worth a shot and I'm sure it will be one hell experience of a lifetime. So there I go, a 12 days long journey to Beijing. On a train.

So I quickly took a bath on that morning, and quickly took a taxi to the Moscow train station. My bags were packed nicely the night before, I knew I won't have time packing them all again this morning. I checked in at the station, and waited for the train to come, and leave for the long and adventerous journey to Beijing.

Waiting for the train to arrive made me remember those days when I was travelling in Norway, in 2009. I was waiting for a train from Oslo to Bergen. That was my first ever train ride, a long train ride of my life. After staring at the blank space for a while, a conductor tapped my shoulder and said "Aren't you going up sir?"

This time round, I decided to travel in style. I booked the first class cabin. The seat was comfortable, I had my own room, and a window all to myself. I've prepared lots of things for the journey. One of the most quintessential, is my iPod, Music never fails to accompany me during long journeys. It's like a good friend of mine.

And so there we go, the journey to Beijing. The train started moving as it picked up its speed. View started changing. From the city-scape of Moscow to the grassy fields. Beautiful lakes, mountaineous region and little cows that herd around a green field.

A few days had passed, and I woke up in the morning. The sunshine shone through my window as it gave warmth to my face. And alas, I realised, we were in Central Asia. I quickly took my iPod, and listened to Borodin's In The Steppes of Central Asia. The song, perfectly painted the scene, when I first heard it in 2010. And to think that I am here, right now, in Central Asia, I just simply smiled, and move my hands as I "conduct" the song.

That was all to my long journey to Beijing. It was fun, lovely and wonderful. Nothing could ever replace a memory like this. Nothing could exchange and experience like so. It was an amazing experience. One, that I would never forget.

PS: Again, this story is fictional. Nothing is true (except for the part about my Norway travel, and me listening to Borodin In the Steppes of Central Asia). The informations are not true but again, who knows it will come true for me? :)