Shining Light by Ash

Roman candles that burn in the night
Yeah, you are a shining light
You lit a torch in the infinite
Yeah, you are a shining light
Yeah, you light up my life

You've always been a thorn in their side
But to me you're a shining light
You arrive and the night is alive
Yeah, you are a shining light
Yeah, you light up my life

Chorus:
We made our connection
A full on chemical reaction
Brought by dark divine intervention
Yeah, you are a shining light
A constellation once seen
Over Royal David's city
An epiphany you burn so pretty
Yeah, you are a shining light

You are a force, you are a constant source
Yeah you are a shining light
Incandescent in the darkest night
Yeah you are shining light

My mortal blood I would sacrifice
For you are a shining light
Sovereign bride of the infinite
Yeah, you are a shining light
Yeah, you light up my life

And these are days you often say
There's nothing that we can't do
Beneath a canopy of stars
I'd shed blood for you
The north star in the firmament
You shine the most bright
I've seen you draped in an electric veil
Shrouded in celestial light

I love this song, it brings my spirit up. But... I prefer Annie Lennox's cover :)

Life's beautiful imperfections

Today I went out with my friends. It was a beautiful outing, and I really enjoyed it. It has been quite a long time since we all met together once more, and yes, I really love today. It was a beautiful day.

I knew deep in my heart that I will not be able to enjoy such pure enjoyment of going out in the future. I will not be able to once again cherish this joy of having the freedom I'm having now. Not only we'll go on our own ways, I don't think we can make up the time to meet together once more and have the same fun we used to have like today.

I mean, genuine fun and joy.

It is sad to realise about this. After such outings, all we can do is to cherish the memories we had about them, and not once again enjoy what we used to do in the future. It is sad that we will not be able to enjoy the genuine joy we had. It is sad, that all we can do to enjoy the happiness we had is through re-living them in our memories, and not in real life.

It is, really sad.

So I made a promise to myself, that I one day shall go and re-live these moments once more in the future. Be it a simple meal I used to have in one of SP's foodcourt, to going out to the cinema once more with my friends. Or perhaps having an outing again, to the places we once used to go together.

Life is imperfect, nothing lasts forever, and everything has to move on. All the good things come to an end, and all we can do is cherish them in our memories.

And to everyone out there, especially those who are in their youth age, remember to treasure the freedom you have now. Bask it in, enjoy it. But also remember to always think whenever you make an action that may cause harm to you, and others. And that regret always come too late. And when we grow up, let us once more cherish those happy moments we once had.

And bring back the smile to our face.

Friends

I'm not too sure, am I being too sensitive? Or this is the truth about me. I'm going to talk about friends, or basically people around you whom you talk to, communicate with, play with, laugh with, smile with, eat with, and more.

Of all my 4 years in Tanglin Secondary, I realised I didn't have a best friend. I mean really, a BEST friend. Someone whom I eat with everyday, go to school everyday, hangout with every weekend, do homework together, revise together. Anyway, ask yourself. What -is- your definition of a best friend?

Is he/she someone who truly reflects you? Or perhaps someone who understands you? Is he/she someone who you want them to "follow" you around? Be it to where you're going, or be it your trends and your hobby? Or basically someone whom you like to be with, and enjoy the company they give you?

What is a best friend?

I'm not even sure if I were to call -A- (prefer to disclose) my best friend. Even though I regarded A as my best friend, does A regard me as A's? And there are times which made me think once again about my question. Because sometimes A is acting like he's not even my friend. And the incident which involves A, B (and another I prefer to disclose) and me, made me even think further.

The past is the past, all I could do now is to smile to the past. The bitter-sweet past.

Now lets talk about cliques. Personally, I regarded myself as a floater. I learnt this new term from a friend. Floaters are basically people who mix around with everybody. They don't have a clique, they don't have a group. Just floating around here and there. Sometimes being a floater is hard. Cause not everyone will accept you. People may just regard you as an "extra" I called it.

I don't have a clique. I do, however, have friends. Friends that I like to be with, to be with them, play with them, go out with them, study with them. And honestly, my friends, are my friends. They are not a group of people whom I choose to be with. Perhaps it's my easy-going personality that makes me think this way, because I know some people can't just apply this rule to themselves.

And of course, I choose people wisely. People who might create trouble aren't my friends. People who are like similar poles to me are not what I want. People who gel in easily, are my friends. I mean I'm sure you don't want to have friends which you don't like isn't it? You're then wasting your own time, and somehow, "betraying" them.

But today, I came up with a line:

"If life has a textbook, its first chapter should be: Life is imperfect, and you have no choice but to ACCEPT it"

So try your best to love the people whom you hate. Of course I'm not mentioning about people whom you hold grudges with. I'm referring to friends whom you don't like because of a simple, or if not less-serious imperfectness in them. You have to accept them the way they are. Love them, not hate them.

Personally, to those people whom I hate, I'll still regard them as a friend. But I won't be so close to them. If they need help, sure I'll help. But sometimes, life is just so unfair, and you'll turn your back.

You know, sometimes I realise. I'm always caught in this situation. This. Situation. I shall not elaborate here, but it feels like you are somehow, alone. Even though you have quite a few friends beside you. But I feel, alone. And they feel, together. It feels like I'm not totally part of them, even though I do regard them as a friend.

Alone, that's a nice word hehe.

So that's why I ask myself in the beginning. Am I being to sensitive? Or is this the truth that occurs to me. Is it jealousy? Or is it fact. Seriously, this happened all the way from primary school, up till now.

Well sometimes I do feel horrible about it. I mean well yeah, sometimes I'm someone who love to ignore things. I'll just say "nahh..." but deep inside, there's always this side to where I feel a bit pinched on the heart.

So, am I thinking too much?

Regret?

As I've mentioned in my previous post, I fear that all I have done in my life so far will go into the drain. And will I regret it?

As much as I can say. No I will not regret it.

Being in the course that knowledge may not be used in the future, doing things I love, that only I can truly myself enjoy, the blood, sweat and tears I have for all of these years, I will never regret this experience.

If I were to regret this, then my life would be meaningless.

I tell myself I will not regret anything, I'll try my best to look on the bright side all the time, even though sometimes my smile is just a facade to hide my pain inside. But life is nothing but filled with regrets, and it is how we accept how things have gone for us that differentiate us between a strong person, and a weak one.

I tell myself that:

The only time I will regret the things I did, or the choices I've made, would be when I become a wondering spirit. For life is too short to be filled with regrets.

Ask yourself. What you wanna be?

Today I've learnt a painful lesson. A lesson which I hated, but a lesson which I treasured. Sometimes life is unfair. Wait, life is NEVER fair. Why would it be fair?

I learnt that in poly, we cannot simply rely on the things we do now. Our actions depend on the future. And today I've learnt how painful it is.

My lecturer asked me. Ask yourself, what you want to be in the future? If you are really interested here, then you should go. If you're not, then you shouldn't waste your time.

I've always loved it, to me learning new things are pretty much a joy. Life is too short to be wasted in things we don't do, and things we don't get the chance to do. I want to be a phlebotomist. I don't mind. I don't mind learning phlebotomy, but will I be able to use it in the future?

Of course the answer would lie more in the "no" side. Of course. I just hated the fact that one day in the future, what I have learnt, what I have spent my time, my blood, swear and tears would gone to a waste. I fear that it would happen. But I keep on telling myself to always look on the bright side. As much as I will lose these work I spent, there is always another good side, of life, that I believe would appear.

Am I being a fool for telling me something that might not even happen?

I hate the fact that I may not do the things I love to do in the future. I hate the fact that all my years of hardwork will go into the drain. I hate the fact that I may not be who I was in the future. I hate, thinking about the future.

I always tell myself, don't worry about the future, forget the past and let it be a memory, and let the present be the battery that keeps you going forward. But as I told myself once more, that I somehow couldn't get out of my future. It's there.

It's inevitable? That is a question that no one can answer, no one.

In life, I have so many questions left unanswered, that I sometimes think no one would ever be able to answer them. Including myself.

So before you make decisions, ask yourself. What you wanna be? And think deeply, whether that will suit you, and how it may affect the future or not.

As the song Defying Gravity says - I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. But the song also says - Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know.

I will never know.

Can I just please go?

I seriously need to go for an escape. I want to run away from reality. Sometimes thinking about it makes my heart wrench painfully. And yet I can't run away from the fact that I will always be reminded of that.

Thinking of the future makes me feel like crying, makes me sad, makes me horrible. So I always try to forget about it, and be constantly reminded of the present.

But again, I can't run away from thinking about that situation.

Life is a suffering, and destiny is such an unfair reality.

If they say that we can't change destiny, then I suppose I know why life is a suffering.

But who knows I will change the saying one day.

What an irony, it's such a beautiful today and I'm feeling horrible now. It's just so horrible, I hate this kind of feeling.

Now I hope you understand why sometimes I don't call this a holiday.

Reality

I guess I watched too much TV, read too many story books, read too many magazines, and dream too much. My personal thought about the word "holiday" or "vacation" will be nothing else but a holiday. Nothing else but having the best time in the world.

I would do what I want to do, perhaps going for a road-trip, or maybe travelling to places I want to go. I would do things that I have not been able to do due to school, like chilling out, reading my story books, watching movies, television shows, exercise and more. Perhaps learning something new. I would do the things I enjoy doing, which time had restricted me during school. Write a story, play the piano, practise my clarinet and more.

Am I doing all these? Well not all, or perhaps, really little.

I guess reality is not in front of my eyes. I have been dreaming of all of these things I wish I could do during my holidays, and of course I'm not doing it. Sometimes it's ironic how I actually become depressed, sometimes, during my holiday. As weird as that may have sounded, yes I felt that at times.

I'm not depressed about my work, or about my projects, or my upcoming school semester. I'm depressed about life. I know that may be really over-the-top but seriously, yes I am pretty much depressed about reality.

In movies I watched, holidays are meant for youths like us to enjoy. In books I've read, people go to different places during a holiday. In magazines, I drooled upon seeing those exotic destinations for a holiday. Those enchanting places.

I guess that's not reality. Right?

Well the fact that I'm going back to my hometown during my holidays sort of pleases me. Of course, I miss my hometown, and most importantly, my family. The warmth of my house, I mean really my house, can never be beaten anywhere else, except in your own home.

So I guess, THIS is my holiday.

But as much as it is a holiday, of course we have to fill it with things right? So well I guess, my holiday is not really filled with the things I wanna do. But well. A holiday is still a holiday.

So there goes my wish, every night. I wish that my vacation here will always be a good and enjoyable one, and not a depressing one instead. I really wish that this wish will, and will continue to come true.

I may be a selfish dreamer.

Do you think it's that easy?

I've always loved a simple life. A life like a commoner, a life like a normal person. Perhaps a countryside, or maybe a tiny county. The sense of camaraderie that I shall feel, the warmth of the people, their smiles, their loves.

I want a life, where money doesn't revolve around me. Like how the earth revolve around the sun. Just a simple life I can enjoy, I can truly love,

and I can truly own.

I ask myself. Why can't everyone enjoy this kind of life?

And I reply to myself.

Do you think it's that easy?