Who I am

I have never really openly write about this anywhere but well I feel like it so here I am.

Growing up has been an interesting journey for me. With the fact that I'm turning 21 soon, there's one question that I still have in my mind. A question I ask myself yet I don't dare to ask anyone else. Like many others in this world, it's a rather sensitive issue that's pretty hard to accept by. But also something that holds my own identity.

Yes I'm talking about my sexuality.

I guess since young I know I'm in some way different. Honestly I've only come to terms with myself just recently about a few years ago. Back in secondary school I am still denying myself? And don't talk about primary school (although there are a few incidences). But yup just a couple of years back, that's when I begin to tell myself, to comfort myself.

It's always a question that I have that why or how am I attracted to the someone who's of the same gender as me. Back in secondary school it was just a matter of "liking" like I mean just liking. But I guess as I grow older I begin to imagine myself having contacts with some people. Physical contacts, or even a relationship.

It's pretty funny how when I was young I always deem this thing as taboo but not knowing that as I grow up, I am one member of this "taboo" I once talked about.

And the future seems really bleak with me now that I'm in a country where homosexuality is still a taboo. And also, a family who also thinks this is taboo.

I guess like I once said

We all have secrets that make us who we are.

Susah

Translates to difficult. Difficult, of a lot of things. Life is difficult, living life is difficult. Well surely it's not something pleasant to talk about but well, what's life without difficulty. It wouldn't be life after all. I've been wanting to write here and well couldn't find the time and the mood to. I know, we don't find time but make time. But mood is hard. It's like I need the stars to be perfectly aligned in a beautiful constellation to write. Just kidding but yeah.

Well I'm back now. Here am I in a new chapter of my life. Embarking on a new journey, stepping into a new story of my life. I believe we are all born into a book. All beautifully divided into chapters. We are the writers of these chapters, but life has given us all these "chapters" to write upon. Once we finish one we move on to another. And then we reach the epilogue and that's it. Our stories become the memories of others' and hopefully it's a good memory to them.

Now life is difficult when suddenly you have... A chapter that is pre-written. We are just there to complete the story. Maybe there are empty words and empty pages and we're just here to fill them up. Perhaps in life we are not allowed to skip this chapter and we just have to write them and complete them down. Feels like we have no choice but to do so.

But then again maybe, it IS the chapter written for us.

I don't know, I think these are the age or probably this is MY age of rebellion. When your heart battles with what you want to do, and what you have to do. In my case it's a three battle. What I want to do, have to do, and promised to do. I guess I'm just saying all these because I'm not used to life. Maybe I have just stepped into this and as I do, life has lost its previous momentum. And I just have to gain my momentum once more. To get used to it and be fine.

I've always believed that life is a constant battle. Between finding the truth, wanting to find the answer. Seeking out why you are born here for, and searching what you really want to do in life. It's a constant struggle and battle.

Sometimes I tell myself to not think about it because to be honest, it gets tiring. Both emotionally and physically. And at the same time, everyday I can't stop thinking about it. Mind-fucked by life that is the right way to explain how I feel.

Happiness. One word, difficult to explain and wish for, and create.

How to be someone you don't want to be

Tell me how to be someone you don't want to be.
Could you please tell me?

How to be someone you never thought of becoming, to be someone you never imagine of becoming. To be someone who's never in your mind. To be someone, a person that is out of your imagination. To walk away from your dream and to walk into another path you never imagine of walking into.

It's funny how my mind is resisting the thought of me, becoming someone.
Yet at the same time it's dying to let go, to surrender to that thought.

They say freedom come to those who deserve.

So at times I tell myself that maybe this time round, I don't deserve to get this freedom that I want. Maybe bad things will happen if I get this freedom now, but not later. Maybe this is the path that life has given me, and it's better for me to take it and take it with care.

I will hold on to my dreams. Tightly, like a pollen on the body of a bee. Waiting to fall over onto a stigma of a flower to pollinate. And then it will become a fruit, like the fruit of labour.

I just wish I can fulfill the dreams of my distant memories.
Rather than being revisited by the memories, of a distant dream.

Life changer

Have you ever felt, have you ever wondered about things. Things that, when you didn't meet, when you didn't find and when you didn't discover, would change the way your life is now? Well I do haha. Being a sentimental person, a lot of things, which, if I would never find or do in my life, would make my life so different now.

But things don't have to be an event.

I'm talking about music - my favourite music, Sigur Ros.

I'll be watching their concert for the second time in my life this Friday. And for the first time I'll be watching a concert in my homeland. I really really can't wait for Friday to come. I've been waiting for this day for the past 4 months haha. And well listening to their songs again and again, make me really feel how blessed and lucky I am to find this band. To have known them through a friend of mine and it's all by accident. I'm just so glad, because if I were to not find them, life will be so different.

Different in many ways. Sigur Ros taught me the real meaning of music.

And they changed the way I think about life. Just by listening to their songs.

I remember when I first watched them live back in Singapore last year, it was so magical. Truly an experience I will never forget in my life. It was so amazing, so spiritual, I feel like I was in a trance in the last moments of their concert. Just so amazing.

I want to experience it again and again. So this Friday will be my second time experiencing their live concert. Then I wish to experience more and more of it in the future. Till I can't, or they can't give the experience anymore. Which of course I hope not so soon.

Friday come faster! :)

Happiness

The hardest thing to do in life, to achieve in life, is to be happy.

Not being the most successful man on earth, nor the richest. But to be happy.

We often overlook the word happy, as a small tiny word. Not much of a meaning behind it. It's a word we use almost everyday. I feel happy, we feel happy, you feel happy. I'm happy that, we're happy that. I'm happy to, we're happy to. Yet I feel there's more to "happy" than just this five letter word. Being happy, is really something we ought to treasure and to feel proud about. And to be happy all your life, is almost the same as achieving enlightenment.

So why do I say being happy in life is such a hard thing to do?

Because being happy, is the ability to do all these:

To make lemonades out of the lemons life throws at you
To walk on the rain, and dance in the storm
To climb a mountain like taking a stroll in the park
To be rich, without feeling rich and;
To be poor, without feeling poor
To be satisfied with what you have and
To make the best of everything you have
To dance when no one is looking and
To sing when no one is hearing
To sing in front of deaf people and make them smile
To dance in front of blind people and make them cry
To welcome the day seeing the beautiful sunrise
To smile watching the sunset no matter how bad the day went
To wish not for the rain to end but the rainbow to appear

If you find any of these easy, then you never know what happiness is.

Come back

Hello again, it's been quite long since I wrote here. In fact I've been wanting to. But I was just having a great time overseas for my graduation trip. And of course I enjoyed myself. Forgetting the future, not caring about the past. Enjoying the moment like how we all should be. Now I'm back, and withdrawal syndrome got the better of me. I find it hard to adapt back!

Walking on the streets today feel really different, although I've walked these streets over and over again. I'm sure it's the fact that I am no longer a student here. I told myself that the next time I come back here, things will be different. And indeed it is. It feels so surreal that my school life has come to an end. What's there to come, what's gonna happen, I don't know.

As you can see from the previous posts, I seem to be reluctant about moving on. I always tell myself that it's gonna be tough and so on. Today I was just pondering upon myself. Perhaps it's time for me to come back to myself. To look into myself again. And to tell myself that it is really coming to an end. Life feels different for sure, and telling yourself to stop is sometimes difficult.

Remember the times when we're young (not saying I'm old) and life seems to be something we all always enjoy. Then now, we're all faced with the unknown, and of course, being human, and filled with denial, we tell ourselves... No, we don't wish to stop. But I guess the time is now for me to tell myself that it's all over, and a new life needs to begin.

And no one can live this life but myself.

And it is also perhaps because of myself too.

I think I've filled myself with too many negative emotions that I shouldn't be filling with. I filled myself with fear and I filled myself with loads of unnecessary thoughts. Like the body, you are what you eat. And that you are what you think. What you tell yourself, will be yourself. What you think, will be yourself too. It's a bad habit, but we gotta kick it out.

Sometimes I always wonder where all these negative thoughts come from. It's just there, I don't produce it (I feel), I mean who wants to produce bad thoughts right? But whenever something new happens, whenever we embark on a journey, there is always a moment whereby we think of these negative thoughts we all should not be thinking. And it's hard.

You know, it's like faith. To me faith is going to bed every night, thinking that tomorrow will always come, although we do have the chance that it will not. And just like faith, doubt is there too. Doubt is like going to bed every night, thinking tomorrow may not come, but of course it will come. It is there, something within us that lurk inside us whenever we start something new.

I need to be more positive. I need to stop thinking so much. I need to fill my head more with all these positive thoughts. The past is gone and the future isn't here yet. So let's just hop on the merry-go-round of life and enjoy the present to the fullest!

Edge of a cliff

Hello again, I'm finally writing here. I've been wanting to, and just couldn't find the time. Or when I wanted to write, something must have cropped up  and thus I couldn't. Nevertheless I'm here. It's been... 20 days since I'm here. Life, has been nice I guess. Not bad, but not great either. I mentioned how much I'm feeling empty one week after I got here. That emptiness has been handled quite well with my heart now. And I'm still getting used to the life here, adapting.

My social media platforms have been flooded with lots of my friends' posts. About acceptance letter, about university admissions, about scholarships and so on and forth. And I truly feel happy for them. I hate waiting, and to know they have been accepted they must have felt that huge sense of relief and joy. Even more when they have been accepted to the courses they have been wanting to go in to. While some are still anxiously waiting for their letters to come.

So in my head pops a question. Did I make the right choice?

Did I make the right choice of going back, and not continuing to pursue my study. Did I make the wrong choice. Am I going back too fast. Am I making my decision too fast. All these questions are popping inside my head quickly, everyday.

On one side I have my parents to feel worried for. They are no longer young, and to know that I'm back, I'm sure they felt a huge sense of relief, that at least another of their sons is back to accompany them. I too feel that I should go back. I realised my parents are growing old. They were the ones who were holding me when I was walking when I was young. Now I am the one holding them, sometimes, when they are walking along. Time has been moving too fast. I suppose.

On another side, the number 21 pops into my head. My age. Am I too young to actually step into this "life" I'm going to venture to? The working life. A totally brand new life that is completely different from the school life I've been living for. No more friends but colleagues. No more teachers but uhh bosses? Life will be more stressful, that is for sure. Am I too young to handle all these? Will I be able to handle them? Or should I continue studying for a while more before I start?

The past three weeks, I've been thinking and contemplating. About life and about all these.

Well I reckon that life itself, is like a journey. I'm sure we all know that. But I put it as a journey of a water. First, when we're young, we begin like water in a lake on top of a mountain. Very nice life, calm, sun is always shining and the blue sky accompanying you. Life is pretty much calm and normal, to put it "like it is". Imagine water in a lake. Calm and nice, nothing much going on, right?

And then as we enter the teenage years, we begin to leave this lake for a small river that leads to a waterfall. Things start to get exciting and fast. And although things start to get fast, there is at least a direction we're heading to. And somehow, we don't have to care about this direction. Where the stream is taking us to and so on. We're just, enjoying the ride. Life is pretty exciting!

And then from that small river, we are at a waterfall. This is when we step into young adulthood. We're standing at the edge of a waterfall, and we take a leap of faith to the place we want to go. It can be quite scary for sure, but this is when we decide where to go. This is when we decide what we want to do. And that exciting life we had when we were teens helped us to push us from the edge of this waterfall. We took a leap of faith, and down down down we go!

From that huge and tall waterfall we took a jump of faith, and we arrived to a gushing and rushing river. Or should I say, rapids. Rushing river filled with huge rocks and stones. Sometimes fallen logs we have to avoid of get over. Life gets tougher, but we have no choice but to get through it. And I reckon this is the adult stage. Where life revealed more of itself to us. No longer a calm lake, nor a small river, or one waterfall we have to jump upon. But many rocks, stones, logs and so on and forth to get over. Over and over again. And that's life I suppose.

And.... Eventually this rushing river ends up in the beach. A nice beach that leads to the great ocean. But from this ocean, we are alone. All alone. We swim and we swim without anyone telling us where to. We follow the wind, the current and the condition of the ocean itself. Sometimes there are storms to go through, sometimes a little bit of rain, sometimes the sun shines like there's no tomorrow. But eventually we'll reach the island we've been wanting to arrive at, or must I say... An island we all have to arrive at, and that's a destination we know as death.

And that's life. It's not about the island we need to reach, but the journey we all have to go through.

But now, I feel that well yup I have went through the lake, the small river, and even the waterfall. But that gushing river? Maybe a bit. In fact I feel that I'm not standing at the edge of a cliff facing the great ocean. And the ocean is just waiting for me to jump, or to not jump yet until I'm ready. And I'm all so confused about the decision that I need to take. Part of me says I should jump, and another of me says I shouldn't. And well I must say the cliff is one huge fucking cliff unlike the waterfall. So the decision is really crucial and important to me.

Sigh, I really don't know what to do at times. Am I ready to leave this youth world, this life, that I've been living for the past three years for this brand new adventure that will definitely be tougher? Will I be able to do the things I always loved to do back then, in the future? Or will I forget the life I used to have and be engulfed in the sea of work? Will I forget day and night, weekday and weekend? Or will I still be able to live the life I've always dreamed and wished about.

A lot of questions in my head. A lot.

Not a single of them is answered.