Edge of a cliff

Hello again, I'm finally writing here. I've been wanting to, and just couldn't find the time. Or when I wanted to write, something must have cropped up  and thus I couldn't. Nevertheless I'm here. It's been... 20 days since I'm here. Life, has been nice I guess. Not bad, but not great either. I mentioned how much I'm feeling empty one week after I got here. That emptiness has been handled quite well with my heart now. And I'm still getting used to the life here, adapting.

My social media platforms have been flooded with lots of my friends' posts. About acceptance letter, about university admissions, about scholarships and so on and forth. And I truly feel happy for them. I hate waiting, and to know they have been accepted they must have felt that huge sense of relief and joy. Even more when they have been accepted to the courses they have been wanting to go in to. While some are still anxiously waiting for their letters to come.

So in my head pops a question. Did I make the right choice?

Did I make the right choice of going back, and not continuing to pursue my study. Did I make the wrong choice. Am I going back too fast. Am I making my decision too fast. All these questions are popping inside my head quickly, everyday.

On one side I have my parents to feel worried for. They are no longer young, and to know that I'm back, I'm sure they felt a huge sense of relief, that at least another of their sons is back to accompany them. I too feel that I should go back. I realised my parents are growing old. They were the ones who were holding me when I was walking when I was young. Now I am the one holding them, sometimes, when they are walking along. Time has been moving too fast. I suppose.

On another side, the number 21 pops into my head. My age. Am I too young to actually step into this "life" I'm going to venture to? The working life. A totally brand new life that is completely different from the school life I've been living for. No more friends but colleagues. No more teachers but uhh bosses? Life will be more stressful, that is for sure. Am I too young to handle all these? Will I be able to handle them? Or should I continue studying for a while more before I start?

The past three weeks, I've been thinking and contemplating. About life and about all these.

Well I reckon that life itself, is like a journey. I'm sure we all know that. But I put it as a journey of a water. First, when we're young, we begin like water in a lake on top of a mountain. Very nice life, calm, sun is always shining and the blue sky accompanying you. Life is pretty much calm and normal, to put it "like it is". Imagine water in a lake. Calm and nice, nothing much going on, right?

And then as we enter the teenage years, we begin to leave this lake for a small river that leads to a waterfall. Things start to get exciting and fast. And although things start to get fast, there is at least a direction we're heading to. And somehow, we don't have to care about this direction. Where the stream is taking us to and so on. We're just, enjoying the ride. Life is pretty exciting!

And then from that small river, we are at a waterfall. This is when we step into young adulthood. We're standing at the edge of a waterfall, and we take a leap of faith to the place we want to go. It can be quite scary for sure, but this is when we decide where to go. This is when we decide what we want to do. And that exciting life we had when we were teens helped us to push us from the edge of this waterfall. We took a leap of faith, and down down down we go!

From that huge and tall waterfall we took a jump of faith, and we arrived to a gushing and rushing river. Or should I say, rapids. Rushing river filled with huge rocks and stones. Sometimes fallen logs we have to avoid of get over. Life gets tougher, but we have no choice but to get through it. And I reckon this is the adult stage. Where life revealed more of itself to us. No longer a calm lake, nor a small river, or one waterfall we have to jump upon. But many rocks, stones, logs and so on and forth to get over. Over and over again. And that's life I suppose.

And.... Eventually this rushing river ends up in the beach. A nice beach that leads to the great ocean. But from this ocean, we are alone. All alone. We swim and we swim without anyone telling us where to. We follow the wind, the current and the condition of the ocean itself. Sometimes there are storms to go through, sometimes a little bit of rain, sometimes the sun shines like there's no tomorrow. But eventually we'll reach the island we've been wanting to arrive at, or must I say... An island we all have to arrive at, and that's a destination we know as death.

And that's life. It's not about the island we need to reach, but the journey we all have to go through.

But now, I feel that well yup I have went through the lake, the small river, and even the waterfall. But that gushing river? Maybe a bit. In fact I feel that I'm not standing at the edge of a cliff facing the great ocean. And the ocean is just waiting for me to jump, or to not jump yet until I'm ready. And I'm all so confused about the decision that I need to take. Part of me says I should jump, and another of me says I shouldn't. And well I must say the cliff is one huge fucking cliff unlike the waterfall. So the decision is really crucial and important to me.

Sigh, I really don't know what to do at times. Am I ready to leave this youth world, this life, that I've been living for the past three years for this brand new adventure that will definitely be tougher? Will I be able to do the things I always loved to do back then, in the future? Or will I forget the life I used to have and be engulfed in the sea of work? Will I forget day and night, weekday and weekend? Or will I still be able to live the life I've always dreamed and wished about.

A lot of questions in my head. A lot.

Not a single of them is answered.

That's all, folks!

Hello, it's been ages since I wrote here, quite literally. 17 days haha. But anyway here I am writing in the comfort of my room in my hometown. Yup I have went back now. Not really for a holiday, because I will no longer come back to Singapore for school. No longer coming back to school for lessons. No longer having that excitement for what the new semester has in store for me. And it feels weird.

It feels so surreal that my life is Singapore has come to an end, 11 years. And tonight it officially comes to a close because I just received my results. Which I'm pretty happy for. I can't believe I did so well, but well on the other hand too, I am glad that I managed to fulfill the promise I made to myself 6 months ago. And I'm happy that the hard work I've put in for this have paid off :)

Oh yes, and results mean that I have (un)officially graduated.

It's been a week since I'm back now. For the past week I've been feeling rather empty and hollow. It's quite sad how every day I woke up feeling empty. Realising and telling myself that "hey I'm no longer coming back to Singapore to study". That all these days and years have finally come to an end. It really feels so surreal. that this chapter of mine has come to an end.

I've been thinking every night, and throughout random times of the day, of the things I will miss about Singapore. About my life there, the usual things I do throughout the week, which will no longer happen once I'm back here.

Like,

Having Monday blues for school every Sunday night
Going grocery shopping every Sunday, followed by a run
And going to the temple in the morning
Going somewhere random, alone, to chill and lepak
Chatting with my friends in school
Studying at night, talking to myself
Cooking in the kitchen
Having conversations with my lecturers
Going for snack shopping at the supermarket below my block
And also paying my bills there
Having my hair cut at Clementi with the same barber
Chilling at night with TV or surfing internet randomly
Playing the piano
Going to town with friends on the weekend
Or for a drink on Friday nights

And many, many more.

Today I came with a conclusion. That the thing I missed the most is to actually - be alone. To be independent, doing many things alone, whenever and wherever I want. To be able to make my own choices, to go wherever  I want to go and do whatever I want to do. I treasured that so now, when I miss it, I tell myself that I'm glad I had the chance to do those.

And I'm also glad that I went "full-force" with life for the past two years. I did a lot of things I once doubted myself I couldn't accomplish. Climbed a mountain, ran 7 races, do this and that. Regrets will always be there I guess. But hey no point of regretting. I've lived my life till now and I will never be able to go back to do the things I wished I could do now.

Besides, regrets must come late. If they come early, life wouldn't be fun. No more second chances, no more second tries, no more trying again. There's no challenge!

I'm still trying to adapt to the new life here. I have to stop feeling sad and empty too. It's just another phase in life that I'm trying to adjust to, trying to live to. Just like the Buddhist teaching of Anicca, that nothing is permanent, I'm sure this stage will disappear too, and life will just go on, on its own.

Alright till then, I'll see you again.

My Piano

Tonight was definitely one of the saddest night of my life. Was feeling horrible, sad and just wrecked. Couldn't help but to actually break down in front of my piano (or keyboard, but I prefer to call it piano heh). But crying felt really good, like really good.

Can't believe it's been about 6 years since this piano of mine accompanied me here in Singapore. I bought it on September 07, still remember. And since then, it definitely made my life here so much better. Back then I didn't think of this night, of tomorrow.

Of course I couldn't possibly bring this home, for it's too heavy and plus I have another one back at home. So I was left with two choices, sell/donate it, or give it to someone else. I would choose the latter. For I want to make sure my piano lands on a person who will use it earnestly, and happily. Selling it was the last thing on my mind. Who knows it will land to someone who will abuse it - rather than enjoy its time together?

So I found a friend whom I decided to give my piano to. And I know she will treat it well. At least my heart is at peace.

We played covers, write songs, sing songs (who cares if I'm not a good singer) but ultimately:

I can't bear to let it go, to say goodbye. The piano is a non-living thing that is as alive and as good as a friend can be. When I'm sad he brightens me up, when I'm angry he calms me down. When I have a problem I share it with him. He may not give me the solution but he will at least calm me down. He's really my good friend since sec 2. Someone who is there, when no one isn't.

And it's just hard to say farewell to him.

I will miss those days where I would play the piano looking at the sky. Cause it made me feel like I can do anything. Those days when my day feels like shit and he brightens everything up.

Well to my piano, my Yamaha P-70 Electronic piano, thank you for everything. For being a great friend, a good listener, a wonderful teacher . Thank you for your kind words, your kind company. And thank you for the music. Basically, for everything.

May you bring joy to your new owner as much as you did bring to me in these past 6 years. I will treasure you and the moments that we had together for life. So once again,

Thank you for everything :')