Sometimes it can really be painful and saddening, to think that everyday, every single day, I'll always be reminded of that. Of the fact that one day I have to say my goodbyes. One day I'll leave this chapter of mine and one day I will start a new chapter. A new chapter somehow written for me, and not me who wrote that new chapter. Somehow. It's pretty painful you know.
Waking up every morning, and in some random parts of the day you will think of all these stuff that make you feel really... Acted up inside. I've never wished for the day to come. Never wished for my chapter to end so quickly. I have one more year and well, one more year goes pretty quickly like how my 10 years have gone by. Deep within me I wish to continue. But with all these "things" happening outside of me, I have no choice but to feel really confused about where I'm going, or what lies ahead of me.
I really, sometimes wish that year 3 would never come. Somehow it's the year for me that I wish never exist. Maybe I can just continuously repeat and repeat year 1 and 2. Like as if my poly life will never end. Year 3 signifies the end for us. Where we are going next, can sometime be something challenging and exciting for us. But for me, is something that I don't really wish to look forward.
I've always dreaded the future. I don't know what lies ahead. In some way I know, and sometimes I tell myself that's not what I really want to. To think that we're of two different worlds. To think that what you think of me (to me) feels really offset. And to know that nobody else can understand me like I do. Am I really good at that. Am I who you really think I am?
Somehow everything doesn't match up.
Feels pretty jumbled up all together. Everything. I wish life wouldn't be so complicating. I just wish to live a simple life. Get a simple job. Don't wish to earn so much money. Just enough to keep me alive. Give me a shelter. Give me food. And at least let me do enjoy the things I love doing.
Yeah. A simple life.
But well I always remind myself that I have to live in the present. Anticipate the future, and live the moment. It's not good to simple "forget" the future. Or just not to simply care about it. I think in one way or another the future will come to you. You may like it, you may not. But well. It will come. Just like how time will continuously flow and we have no way to change its course or to stop it.
I have to live the moment. As much as I don't like what's coming right in front of me. I have to enjoy what I'm doing now. What I'm living for today. Why am I working so hard for today. Why am I doing the things I do today. Why am I living today.
I have to live the moment.
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