Age

I guess there are different stages in life when we come to a realisation of the word - age. Most of the times we tend to forget it. Or we don't realise it. Just now comes to a realisation about this word.

I guess one is when we realise we're children no more. In a way we realise we're not interested in cartoons, toys and playing outside in the playground or something like that. When we got caught up with life and work. With studies, with something we used to find boring but then at the end of the day it interests us. The fact that we tell ourselves when we're no longer a child. Or when we find someone else "acting like a child". But of course, truly, the child in us never leaves. In a way it just stays on the inside partly but then it disappears on the outside. That's when we realised we've grown up.

Perhaps next when you realised you're in your graduation gown. And you're preparing to take that certificate on the stage and maybe hopefully giving out that speech that you wish can inspire everyone. You take photo with your friends and lecturers. And then you realised how far you've come to get this. 

Then the next would be when you realise you're an uncle or aunty. When in one way or another a member of your relative has given birth to a child who would call you an aunty or uncle. Or when you realise that one of your relative is getting married. Your friend is getting married. Then having a child. And you realised you're no longer that small you who calls people uncles and aunty. Now you're being called one.

Then comes the first day of your work. The day where you're dressed nicely, your heart beating fast and you look forward to starting the next phase of your life. To start living as an adult, earning some hard cash and perhaps enjoying it. You know the journey will be a tough one but yet you want to do it and you're determined and hopeful to get a good outcome. And your parents wish the best for you.

Parents? Well yes. Next you realised that your parents are growing old. You realise the white hairs growing on their head. They way they speak. Their facial features change and they're no longer the same old parents who will come and talk to you like a small boy. They start to be a bit grumpy. Perhaps repeating some things they've once said again and again. First you don't understand. Then you've realised you've come to this stage. You know you're growing old too.

Being the youngest of 4 and 20 this year. I'm now starting to experience the above paragraph. I haven't finished my education, let alone, working. I'm coming to this stage.

Age, is such a funny thing

Why do we live

A question pops into my head today. Well not really just today but a few times before. I've thought of some answer, I've been thinking about it again and again but well at times, I just can't come into a final conclusion, into that ultimate answer which I thought I have. Well, apparently not. But anyway, here it is.

Why do we live for? What do we live for?

If lets say here you are, given a chance to kill yourself. To commit suicide. Slit your wrist and let you bleed to death. Or a rope in front of you and you can just hang yourself, suffocating you to death. Maybe 100 pills of some drugs and you can just gulp it down with a jug of water. Sounds very scary isn't it. Well it's just a question, I'm asking IF you were given a chance to kill yourself. And you tell yourself no, I'm not going to die now. I'm not going to end my life now. Then ask yourself the question - Why?

If I'm in that place, my answer is simple.

I just feel that I still have a long way to go, and that my life is still moving. My story is still being written, my journey is still on going. If I were to die now, I have wasted my life, I will miss all the good things that may come for me, to me, just that I have not realised it. And of course, I have not seen them. Secondly, I'm grateful that I'm given a life, that I still have a life to live for. While others are dying because of a disease, dying in a war, dying because they -choose not to, but cause of another circumstance- why then, should I stop my life if I'm still given the chance to live a life?

We only have one life, so live it to the fullest. I believe I guess it's just part of the human conscience that we, keep on living. That everyday we just live normally, that we don't suddenly have the thought of ending our life tomorrow or something like that. It's just within us that we continue with what we're doing - to live a life and to simply carry on with the flow of time.

Then you ask, and I ask too, why would people commit suicide?

I guess people commit suicide because well, they're lost in life. People usually (or they do) commit suicide due to some huge problems they're facing. Economical problems, like how they don't have enough money to support their family. Psychological problems, like stress at work, or love problems (this is quite... Absurd actually, in my opinion) or being bullied (this needs to stop). With all these huge scale problems, they feel they have lost their directions in life. Especially when the pressure builds up so much.

When people are faced with problems, they tend to feel the only way out is an "instant end" to everything, that is to die. No more pain, no more stress, no more suffering. At times I do feel the same way too. Like I wish I can "end" my life for a while, and well we only have one life. There's no such thing as not living for a while. But these people, they're so psychologically, emotionally, physically stressed, that their conditions basically "blind" them from the hopes and solutions they have in life.

Remember how much we tend to act irrationally when we're angry or sad - that's because we are so angry and sad that we just feel everything is wrong. People say don't make promises when you're happy - cause when we're happy we tend to forget the negative side that the situation may have. Nothing is perfect in this world, we're happy, doesn't mean we can be happy forever. But also remember, when we're sad, doesn't mean we'll be sad forever! :)

So people who are really in dire situations, need guidance and support from other people. But because of their situations and conditions, sometimes they feel helpless that they feel they can handle the situations by themselves, when actually they can't and never will. I'm a cancer and yes, I gotta admit that I love to keep things to myself all the time. But when it's so unbearable I will just let it out to people. Real good friends, family, siblings, teachers and so on. That's cause I know they might give me the solutions

But people who are in dire suicidal conditions feel that there's no more solution to their problems because these problems are so heavy that they don't see the hope to solve it anymore. Which is pretty sad, because I think most of these people tend to just keep this to themselves. Which is why they ended up carrying on with the suicide :(

So people, next time you're facing lots of problems and you feel there's no way out, I just want to tell you that there is. In life nothing is impossible except for waking the dead and playing with time. And the next time you feel like as if your life is horrible and so on.

Remember that at least you still have a life to be lived for. When there are many others out there in the world, fighting and struggling to live.

And always be grateful, and live life to the fullest! :)

Live the moment

Sometimes it can really be painful and saddening, to think that everyday, every single day, I'll always be reminded of that. Of the fact that one day I have to say my goodbyes. One day I'll leave this chapter of mine and one day I will start a new chapter. A new chapter somehow written for me, and not me who wrote that new chapter. Somehow. It's pretty painful you know.

Waking up every morning, and in some random parts of the day you will think of all these stuff that make you feel really... Acted up inside. I've never wished for the day to come. Never wished for my chapter to end so quickly. I have one more year and well, one more year goes pretty quickly like how my 10 years have gone by. Deep within me I wish to continue. But with all these "things" happening outside of me, I have no choice but to feel really confused about where I'm going, or what lies ahead of me.

I really, sometimes wish that year 3 would never come. Somehow it's the year for me that I wish never exist. Maybe I can just continuously repeat and repeat year 1 and 2. Like as if my poly life will never end. Year 3 signifies the end for us. Where we are going next, can sometime be something challenging and exciting for us. But for me, is something that I don't really wish to look forward.

I've always dreaded the future. I don't know what lies ahead. In some way I know, and sometimes I tell myself that's not what I really want to. To think that we're of two different worlds. To think that what you think of me (to me) feels really offset. And to know that nobody else can understand me like I do. Am I really good at that. Am I who you really think I am?

Somehow everything doesn't match up.

Feels pretty jumbled up all together. Everything. I wish life wouldn't be so complicating. I just wish to live a simple life. Get a simple job. Don't wish to earn so much money. Just enough to keep me alive. Give me a shelter. Give me food. And at least let me do enjoy the things I love doing.

Yeah. A simple life.

But well I always remind myself that I have to live in the present. Anticipate the future, and live the moment. It's not good to simple "forget" the future. Or just not to simply care about it. I think in one way or another the future will come to you. You may like it, you may not. But well. It will come. Just like how time will continuously flow and we have no way to change its course or to stop it.

I have to live the moment. As much as I don't like what's coming right in front of me. I have to enjoy what I'm doing now. What I'm living for today. Why am I working so hard for today. Why am I doing the things I do today. Why am I living today.

I have to live the moment.