A certain kind of sadness

No I'm not talking about Gotye's song, cause this certain kind of sadness is not something I would want to get addicted to. I'm just talking about this certain kind of sadness I've been feeling for the past two weeks or so? Basically since the year has started. Perhaps the reason why I couldn't sleep every night is because of all these thoughts, running discreetly in my mind. Of course I may not be thinking of these physically. But somewhere at the back of my heart, of my mind, they are running wildly.

I've always told myself not to think about it. As you may know, I'm kind of a positive person. Instead of thinking the negative things, I always try my best not to. I will just think of the positive things ahead, or the difficult one - of the positive things of these negative things. Because as we all know nothing is perfectly beautiful nor perfectly ugly. So everything, has a beauty on it.

The future, is this one thing I try not to think about too. Because I believe in the Buddhist teaching of living the moment, the present, earnestly. Of course I would anticipate the future. I'll plan ahead, of what I want to do. But I try not to be bothered by it. By the challenges that may come, the things I wish would never happen but definitely will. I think we all do though, it's like, we can't escape from it fully. No matter what, we'll be reminded of it.

I know, time is time, the future will come, no matter how much you don't want it to. Tomorrow will come, even if you wish today would last forever. Sometimes, you wish tomorrow will come because today was so horrible. And once again I always believe in the Buddhist teaching of Anicca - the contemplation of impermanence. That nothing is permanent, and all things will rise and go away, lost in the abyss of time. And even time, is impermanent too.

It feels horrible, to somehow have this huge burden above your shoulder. Day by day, it seems like this burden is increasing and increasing. It truly feels like the world is on my back, and all my heart wishes is to have the world leaving me. That's why these days, I just wish to be alone. Every night I don't feel like doing anything (which is bad cause I have work to do). Every night I just wish to escape into this shell of mine and just be myself. To forget the world and its content.

I wish I can just let go of everything. I want to be myself once again. I just want to be with me. Yet there are always things that would remind me of the bitter things. It feels really tough, really. Conversation about that, and yet, there's always this tendency that they want me to leave quickly. I know he can't wait for me to return. But I don't. Can I just have more time? For one last time? Please? I'm already returning. And I wish for more time. Is it hard to ask for?

It's just so painful. Sometimes we just wish, to be understood. Sometimes I tell myself, I think it's enough to understand people. Why can't people understand me? It was so painful when he told me "yeah for the last time" on New Year's Eve. My heart wrenched deeply. It's so pain. I suppose it feels nothing for him. But to me, it really means a lot. Like seriously a lot.

I've thought of talking everything out with him, yet deeply I know he will disagree, and he will give lots of reasons. And sometimes I know it's useless, though a part of me wishes that it will be okay. Just talk things out, just let it be. But sigh, at some point of time, I just somehow know it will turn into a useless discussion. An empty one that goes pointless.

Sometimes I just want to ask the world. Isn't this sacrifice enough? Haven't I done enough? Then how come I don't deserve this? In another part, I tell myself, maybe I'm too selfish. But when I weigh this sacrifice, and the wish I'm asking for, my sacrifice is way heavier. Don't you think so too? Right?

I don't know what to do.

But I need to stop this kind of sadness.

Because bright days are ahead of me.

Free from me

Right, so it's been a really really long time since I wrote here... Well yup you've missed out a lot! I guess. It's the 18th of December and yeah, my internship has ended and so thus my big project. I'm really glad that it's all over now. In fact as you know it, back then I've been wanting for all of these to end. And well it has all now come to an end so yup. Time to rejoice, time to just have fun.

Whatever happened, happened. And I've decided to leave all grudges about these bitter moments. Moreover, all these days have turned into memories. And memories are things that will never return. And thus bad, good bitter sweet memories, all gone and will no longer return. So yes, let's not bear whatever grudges anymore shall we.

Anyway... Today I want to rant! Really unlike of me to rant in my blog. Okay maybe I shouldn't really call it ranting. How about to put it this way - Sharing my views.

As you all know I'm back in my hometown now after this like 7 months of _____. Well I really love to have, a break. A holiday.  A period of time where I can just do whatever I want, rest, go somewhere and have fun. Perhaps I'm just being "brainwashed" by the dreamy reality of the delusional views of reality. The "stereotype" events where after school = holidays = fun and yay! Go all out and be crazy.

As I once said, we are all selfish in one way or another. There is no way we can deny that. Like I literally mean, no way. No one is truly, fully, not-selfish. I'm pretty sure at one point of time in your life, there were acts where you are selfish with the second party. Sometimes we're selfish, for our own goodsake. But most of the time I suppose - it's the other way round.

And with the Buddhist teaching of Anatta - or non-self. I always believe that we're truly free, not when we're free from the chains of external things. But we're only free when we're able to free ourselves, from ourselves. Sounds hard to understand? Well basically, we're only free, when we let go of ourselves. When there's no longer I in me. And...

I guess it's rather impossible to do so.

I suppose we are only truly free - when we die. When we let go of everything in this merry-go-round we called life. Once we let go of life, we let go of everything, we let go of us. And I'm sure no one wants to die early just to free yourself right? Not worth it. There are times we have to live and of course only when the time is right, when we reached the end point to life, we'll e able to then "die" and fully free ourselves. No I am not being suicidal here.

I'm always torn between two paths I suppose. The path where I wish people would understand me. And another where I somehow tell myself - no you should understand people. This is where the distinction of stubborn people, nice people, Mr Nice Guy and Mr not-so-nice guy and everything else, appear. The path, where do you walk more on? That's where you stand and you know where you're going. And what kind of people are you.

Everytime I go back, I have a wish. To have a holiday. Well of course I do. I'm having a holiday where I don't have to go to school, to go to work, to do my project. But I guess there's a missing part in which I want to do the things I want to do. Plan out things which I wanna do and ACTUALLY carry them out. I would really love to just spend my days lazying around at home doing nothing, doing what I want to do. Basically doing something I wasn't able to do in the past couple of long long months. As and when I wish. Without walking the "no you should understand others" path. You know.

I realise on the other hand too, that I've been a middleman all of my life. Torn between two parties, but I know I don't want to side any. I guess this is what making me an indecisive guy. And also someone who's not walking on neither paths mentioned above.But well what's worst than choosing the path you want to walk, is to walk the path you don't have any intention of walking on.

Well. I... Still don't know what to do. Couple of years I've been feeling this and somehow I feel I have no one to talk to but you (awww...) so yeah. Thanks for listening! Felt good after this rant. All I can do now is to well, wish that my remaining days here would get brighter and brighter! And I know they will. Because happiness comes from within!

Decisions and future

Hello all, it's been quite a long time since I wrote here. Been pretty busy with project and work and... Well it's already hard to update my daily blog. Imagine keep on updating this blog. I'll just write here whenever I can and wherever I can. Currently I'm back in my hometown for a short weekend. I'll just be back till Monday. And then yeah, reality will sink in.

Though I wish for this trip back home to be something nice and rejuvenating, where it is a chance for me to relax and rest after 7.5 months of attachment, and also after one hectic week (last week), well perhaps maybe not. The first night I was here, reality strikes me again. Last night I wish I could sleep in peace but somehow before I sleep, thoughts were running wild in my head and I don't know why. Though thankfully, in the end, I managed to fall asleep without notice.

I know I have made the decision back when the year has just started. And I know deep that I will not make any more other decisions. Though when I arrived last night, there might be a huge change that will happen when I grow up. Now I'm afraid of my decision. Though I have made the decision, and my heart seems to be appeased with it. My mind, my future and my thoughts are all in one piece, in one peace.

But whenyou ask me if I'm still afraid of the future,

I'm afraid the answer is still a yes. 

Quite funny how I made this decision when the year started. And along the way there are things I wish I can do when I grow up as well. All these plans that I've been telling to my friends, now seems to hand on the edge of a cliff. Not knowing to fall, or to stand in fear, or to get out of the place and stand strong. I must make the best out of this.

Life can be filled with disappointments, and uncertainties. But like every rose has its thorns and every dark cloud have its silver lining, nothing is perfect. Nothing is perfectly beautiful, nor nothing is perfectly ugly. These uncertainties that seem to bother me, they seem to function for another thing. They are just more reasons for me to live my life to the fullest. More.

I'm left with about 5 months before I say goodbye to school. And soon I'll be in my graduation gown. And soon will be at the airport bidding my farewell, to eleven years of life on the island. When the day arrives, I'll look ahead and perhaps fear may be rushing within me. But I definitely know that though the journey may seem long, and seem tough, I'll take it in.

I've made that decision and I will stick with it no matter that the outcome or the changes that might occur along the way. After all it's life. Where change is the only constant.

Now if I can make a wish, I just wish for a great remaining days here back at home. Just let me forget life for a little while. Though only for a few days. But at least yeah, take me away from reality if I may.

Another side

It's been twenty six and a half weeks since my attachment has started. It's a long time, I know. Whenever I told everyone how long I've went through, their mouths would open feeling shocked why does it take a long time to end. And some would ask me, how come my attachment never ends. I would give them a shrug, and tell them don't ask that question to me, I'm sure most of us would want it to end quicker either. Seven months, definitely, too long.

Attachment of course, has taught me many lessons. Not just in the application side. Surprisingly, the life side of it. Quite sad, how we've all (or some of us) come to a point when being stressed is like... Something daily. Feels like we're at the breaking point of this whole thing. Towards the end I suppose, when we feel really horrible about everything. We feel like giving up, we feel to just let go of everything. After all, we're all new to this field. Alone.

Well being in the "working life" for these past 26 weeks have taught me many lessons about life, about work itself. Definitely, as we all know it, the working life is something totally different as compared to school life. Well like all things in life, we learn from the bad experience and move on, we treasure the sweet moments which we hope to bring in smiles in the future. May it be a bitter smile, sweet smile, silly smile. Just a memory that will linger.

The working life has shown me different sides.

Different sides of human you've never seen before. Something maybe you've seen in your school life. Some just don't. I guess after all of these, I've learnt how much, at the end of the day, people won't really care about you, how you feel, who you are, what's going on with you and so on. At the end of the day we're left alone in this world to fight and stay alive. Sure people can help you, but at the end, you'll stand alone in this battlefield.

Different sides of life, you'll never experience in school. The working life is tougher. If you think school is tough, think again.You'll get to experience what is, life. The stress and the pressure you're going to have is totally different, and of course tougher than the pressure you get in school. You learn how to be responsible for others, and just not yourself. And at times learning about this, can be a tough process. Not something you can take overnight. But at the end of the day, you'll learn it.

It's quite funny how when we're in school, we tell ourselves we can't wait to graduate and to start working. We complain how sucky school can be. That being a working adult is so much nicer than being a student. Surely, some side of it yes. And at the same time, some side of it are just not nice at all. So please, treasure your school life. You will definitely miss it when you grow up and you get out of the school life to the working life. I have a few months of school left. I will, and I must treasure it.

I guess happiness is just something difficult to be created. It's not a simple recipe to make. Let alone, the ingredients are hard to find. But we all should know how happiness comes within ourselves and not something else outside of it.

The day you discover that happiness comes from within, is the day you'll shed tears of sadness, as a smile lit up from your face. Yet you don't know whether you cry tears of joy, or smile to put up a brave front. The day you discover that happiness comes from within, will be a day of discovery that life will quite be a journey for you. That life, is a journey worth suffering from.

Contemplating about life?

Somehow everyday, and... Somehow starting from this year. I begin to love contemplating about life. I would stare at an empty space while my minds run with deep thoughts, thinking of life. Basically everything and anything. Random things turned into deep thoughts, things I see turn into lessons and things I always ponder about. Hence yes. I am thinking about life.

And my friend would always ask me, Contemplating about life?

Well I always do yes. Quite funny how we always think about things, daydreaming and so on. But then at the end of these moments we turn these seemingly random thoughts into something deep which is really lovely in a sense. I guess it's important to think, and think of good thoughts.

Today I was just staring at the blank space. And somehow I remind myself. That everything happens for a reason. Why I was sitting down at the foodcourt, why I was walking to the foodcourt, why we decided to come to this foodcourt, why did I eat that food and so on.  Well as I always said, if they don't happen for a reason, they they wouldn't have happened at all. Similarly, whatever has happened in my life so far, they do happen for a reason too.

I believe when things don't go with your flow, they're just blessings in disguise. There must be a reason why things happen that way, and not this way. When something doesn't go according to your plan, take it that something greater will happen. And well yeah. Sometimes, or in fact everytime, it's good to look on the brighter side of things, always. I'm nearly there, I know all of this will come to an end soon. In no time! Whatever it is.

Sometimes I feel sad... Not sure if I have become someone who's less happy or depressed. Every Tuesday I would go home, watch TV and catch the show "Just For Laughs" just to let me have a good laugh though it's only for a good hour. Feels like I need to do something to make myself a good laugh haha. Laughter is the best medicine I suppose.

Oh well, whatever it is, I won't stop contemplating about life. As the saying goes, we need to lose ourselves to find ourselves. So though I might be lost in my own deep thoughts, I know at the end of the sea, I will be able to find another side of me which I never find before. Losing, to find my way back kind of thing. Isn't it cool?

Alright. May the remaining weeks be smooth sailing. 

Decisions

In life I'm sure we make lots of decisions. Some we make it cause it involves surviving. Deciding what to eat, what to drink, when to sleep. Simple stuff we all know and well and not really a decision, more of a choice perhaps? But of course there will also be times when we have to make decisions that involve, life. These are the ones that determine our future, our life basically. What determines the outcome of the remaining journey of our life. Before we all reach our final destination.

Slowly, one by one, I've been telling my close friends about my decision. Some are not surprised, thankfully. Some are shocked, and some are sad. Some, normal. Well I guess I've been rooting to make this decision. I used to be confused of where to go. But then at the beginning of this year, I knew I have to make -this- decision. And somehow after making this decision, it makes my life feel better. Not only I don't feel confused anymore, but I feel things are... "straight" now.

You know how you feel when you have a plan.

Of course every decision comes with a price. There's nothing perfect in this world as we know it. In some decisions we get the better out of it. But then you realise that the other party, or any other party will not get the better of it. Well that's life I guess, you can't please anyone, everything. But we can always see things differently I suppose? Of course in this decision I've made, I have appeased different parties and so on. But there'll be others, whom I won't be able to.

Disappointments are one of them I guess. Another man's meat is another's poison. Everyone has different expectations of everyone else. Sometimes we do take their expectations but mostly, we don't. After all... This is our lives and we're the one that steer the wheel, set the sail and walk the path. Do take people's considerations of course, don't just throw them to the drains. But not necessarily that we need to adhere to them. We can take them for guidance, you know?

Today the thing slipped out of my tongue to someone... I'm not close with. On my way home I kept thinking, kept telling myself did I make the wrong choice? But then again, eventually everyone will know it right? In one way or another. So yeah that makes me feel better. Well yes I've decided to just tell my close friends. And I tell different people different things. White lies mostly. Cause I just feel it's not the right time for some people to know yet. So to play safe, I don't tell the truths.

I asked a good friend of mine. Did I make the wrong choice to tell people the truth? Especially to someone who sort of expects something from you? And she told me that I shouldn't feel guilty, nor is that a wrong choice. Her words always ring on my head.

"This is your life. And you only live once. It is important that you want to do what you want to do. They are not living your life, so why do you have to feel guilty for?"

Of course I totally agree with her, and she's totally right. There's however one particular person I really hope won't be disappointed by me. I wouldn't say she's someone close to me. But she's someone whom sort of gave me the chance. Who gave me the light back then. I truly sense she kinda expects a lot. And part of me knows she would feel disappointed with my decision, though I remember her telling me to do what I want. And about people who are sorta like me.

But well. Again, part of me know she will understand too.

Oh well this is life. You can't please everybody, and... You don't own anyone a living here. Your life is lived by you and not by anyone else. Let the words of others be roads that guide you along. But you should always choose the road that your heart chose. For I'm sure it will bring you to the road that you will enjoy walking on. A story you'll enjoy reading and reading again.

One life, live it to the fullest. If you don't, then who else will?

Pour your heart out

Hello! It's been such a long time since I'm here huh. Well been busy with work, experiments, and so on. So I couldn't blog here. Quite sad, to realise I didn't even blog in my personal blog as often either. But these days, I feel the longing to blog. I need some time, to just pour my feeling out. Be it through music or just simply writing. The good thing is though, I've been writing on my diary, which is good I guess.

Today is day 257 of the year. Was just talking to my friend of how far we've went through till today when we first started our attachment. Day 107 was the day we began. So... Yes, 150 days! And well I really can't wait for the end of year, where I would spend a good time reading through this diary of mine, looking back at the days. I will laugh, I will smile, I will frown trying to remember the day. But I will definitely have a good time looking back at these days.

2012 has been... Challenging so far. I guess what I can tell myself is that well, 2012 will make me a better person, definitely. So far though the days have been quite challenging, this year made me think a lot. And till now I've made decisions and also through these challenges I grow into a stronger and better person. I just still find it shocking at times, how 7 months of this year are taken for attachment alone. Leaving 5 months (which felt so much shorter than 5) behind for non-attachment days.

And so, why am I talking like as if it's the end of year already? -_-

Anyway I really can't wait for attachment to end. In a sense, I know I need a good break and I'm already planning for one. A couple of places in mind, still waiting for my friend to decide though hehe. But I know one place in mind already :) And I think I will most probably go there haha. Just wanna go somewhere and do nothing. Sounds like a perfect plan to me haha. Chill by the beach, relax and enjoy the sun with music in my ears. Oooh the sound of it already makes me feeling fuzzy.

To me... Well currently I'm just, or I think we all, are living life day by day. As the day goes by we live each and another day. A day passes and we move on to the next. To me, I know the end is there. Freedom is there waiting for me. I know the dates, how much weeks we're left and so on. But somehow, they seem so far, and the days never seem to end.

Freedom now, is like eating food when you're having cold. You can taste the flavour of the food. But you can't smell its aroma. Like that I guess. It's like so near, yet so far kind of sentiment. But well, I live in the Buddhist teaching of contemplation of impermanence. I know that everything, good or bad, will come to an end. That's definitely something that will happen so yeah. Slowly but surely, quickly but surely the end will come. I just have to live everyday to the fullest.

Alrighty. I guess that's all for now. I'll see you again soon :)