Please tell me it's the Sunday's blues

It's... Monday now. Well, Sunday night. I guess it's in everyone of us that we have this sentiment of hating Sunday nights. I guess it's all due to the fact that Monday is here tomorrow and that another week is starting soon. And we all have to back to work after a weekend of rest. And a weekend of fun. But as I said, life has to move on. C'est la vie!

But sometimes I still find it hard. Oh well.

Sometimes there are those moments, that I've always described as "empty" moments. I feel empty, I feel nothing, I think nothing. Emptiness can sometimes be good. But at the same time, to me, this empty feeling is some sulky feeling I hate. But for example, when we meditate, we try to clear our minds of everything. The feeling of getting rid of everything in our mind when we meditate is to me one of the best feelings in life :)

And there's empty feelings, there's also times when I constantly think of things. Some random things, happening things. Basically things. And yes I hate it too when I keep on doing that. It's like being asked a question and not knowing the answer. It's like asking question, not knowing where to get the answer.

We humans are such imperfect creatures aren't we.

Pondering is a normal thing to do for us. We ponder this, we ponder that. We wonder why things happen, we wonder why they don't. But I guess it's good. I firmly believe we should keep on asking questions. Questions about life! About daily happenings.

Never stop asking questions. Till the end of your time.

It's 1:21 AM now. I have to do some things. And I have to sleep. I'm screwed.

Heart talk

It's 3:58 AM now, and I'm writing this while listening to the song Taliin Mongol by a Moorin Khuur ensemble from Mongolia. The song suits the surrounding. Even though I'm in Indonesia, listening to this song makes me feel like I'm in a grassland of Mongolia. With the silence surrounding me, I really feel like I'm in one. Just that the cold temperature and the wind is missing.

Isn't it amazing how music can evoke so many different feelings, emotions and memories?

I'm writing this post because my heart has been feeling really "weird" for the past few days. There's something I want to say but at the same time, I don't know what I want to say. But then yet again, my blog has been a platform where I can talk to, and at the end of the day, I'll feel better after writing. There are some scenarios in life where words speak louder than speech.

It's been about a month plus since my Inner Mongolia trip. I've been missing the trip, and listening to these Mongolian songs just remind me of the trip. It's one amazing journey that I'll never forget. And I'm always reminding myself od how lucky I am to have been chosen for this trip. I've printed the photos, and I'm going to print more. And yeah, that's one way where I can always return to my memories.

Life is pretty short. I'm always up to taking up journeys and travels and venture to the places I've never been to. I came up with the line, life is the world undiscovered. So well, in life, try to discover as much undiscovered place of yours as possible.

Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, died a few days ago. I was shocked by the news, but well, he had been fighting with pancreas cancer for quite some time. I'm sure, his fight will not go to a waste. I truly admire how much he had changed the world's technology with Apple. I'm not an Apple fan myself, I do own an iPod touch and I do use iTunes. But I have to agree how brilliant Apple products are.

My Facebook and twitter is flooding with his quotes. There's one that I love a lot.

Life is short, don't waste it by living someone else's life. Or something along that line.

It's really true, and it get me thinking and thinking.

Thinking.

Age

I was thinking about this on the way back to my hometown last Friday. It's both kinda true and sad, somehow, at the same time. It's about growing up, and returning to yourself.

I came up with this inside the car that night

As we grow up, we tend to go away from our parents and return to myself. We begin to walk in our direction and not in others. We begin to discover who we all are, our potential and ourselves. We begin to distract away from our parents and walk our own paths.


In a way, as we are all growing up, we will realise who we all are. What we're good in, what we can do and our potentials basically. And as we realise our potentials, we discover who we are, and we distract away from out parents. Some go in order to realise their OWN passion and learn it on their own, some just want to be independent. I'm sure you know what I mean.

When we're young our parents always give us direction to where we all should go. As we grow up, they give us more freedom and we travel on our own, our own direction, speed and time. We're truly returning to ourselves.

Sometimes, I feel age is a sad thing. No?

Why

I just got back from my band Korea exchange trip and my Inner Mongolia trip (last week). They are both awesome, I should be blogging about them now and tell you how I feel. But I can't help but to blog about other things just to comfort myself, about how I'm feeling now.

In life we're always asked to question, why? Why does the bird sing, why is the sky blue, why is the song so awesome, why do people cry, why do babies smile, why is life so tough, why is the truth more horrible than lies, why am I like this.

Why am I here.

We always question. Be it question about life, or about reality itself. Sometimes I ask myself, why am I here, born to be who I am, living to be who I am. Why is my destiny like this, why did I go here and there, why did I eat this and that. Why am I studying this, why am I doing that.

Sometimes it comes to me wondering why am I living a life like this. Why can't I live the life of others? Some call it destiny or fate. Some say karma. I'm not sure what it is. I just question why.

Sometimes in life we ask for more, we ask why can't we have a better life than them. And there are times, where I would ask for the worst. Like sometimes I wish I was a poor kid on the street. Or perhaps a young man living in a village beside a sea. Or just a common, normal guy living a simple normal life. Sometimes I wish I were my friend, living his or her life and not mine.

Yet people always say of how much we should be grateful about our being. About our belonging to this earth. About having what we have. While I complain about life, there's someone, somewhere out there who is suffering more than me. But no matter what and when, I always remind myself of how ardous the journey of life can be, and how we should always fight back and continue fighting, and brave the journey.

The uncertainties of life is what trouble me. Is what keeping me wondering to why and how my life will be. I've told you many times of how much I hate thinking of the future. How much I despise it. Not that I don't want my future to come. I just don't know what to do when it does. Not that I'm not prepared, I'm just lost to how it will go, and why it will go.

It's kind of sad, how I live a life with joy and smile in front of others. When deep inside a great problem is fighting with me. When deep inside, I'm struggling down with something.I feel really horrible when I always think of the future. When others are happy and anticipating of the future, here am I dreading it.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I feel really clueless and helpless thinking of the future. It's really tough, in one hand it's me, in one hand it's them. Sometimes thinking about them already makes me feel like crying, when I hear stories, when I think of things.

Sometimes it's true what they say about how money is the root to all evil. The more money we have, the more problems we have.

I love simplicity. Why do we make things complicated? Why can't I have a simple life with a simple job? I don't mind being a farmer in the countryside. A simple man, leading a simple life.

Why?

Fragility

I realise how fragile our memories can be. Memories on our mind especially. Memories come in different forms. Some are physical objects which bring us a rush of euphoria when we see, touch or hear them. Some in non-physical form. Like the memories we have in our brain. Did you know that the portion for memory in our brain is actually really small? Hmm. Ironic isn't it haha. Power of the human brain.

I was just somehow tidying up my space a little just now. My class from last semester bought me this cute folding pouch for my birthday this year. It's a pouch that can hold many different things. There's a sticker for different compartments like tickets, films, receipts, money etc. I really need this kind of pouch. And somehow one of my friend said when my class gave it to me:

"You will really need this"

I'm not too sure what she meant by that. She either mean it cause I'm my present class treasurer, hence I need this kinda pouch. Or is it because she knows I'm such a sentimental person that keeps movie tickets, concert tickets, boarding passes etc?

And yes I do keep all of the mentioned things above. In fact I keep more objects that the one listed above. I keep my birthday cards, I keep my well wishes from my friends. I keep certain objects which hold a valuable amount of memory to me. Like my prom invitation given by my school. The scores for my first every concert. My O Level papers (yes can you believe that). I keep all of them.

Why? Because one, yes I'm a sentimental person and two, because I am someone who really treasure memories.

And with the fact that I'm someone who is really paranoid about things. I have a fear, or even a great fear of one thing. To forget.

I've backed up all my photos, songs, documents from my laptop which to me are really precious. Especially photos, cause those are the only way that I can go back to my past travels. And songs too, cause I have this crazy idea to listen to the songs I really love when I grow up. And the most "radical" ever, I have some songs I want to play in my funeral (oh gosh).

Oh not to forget my wedding.

In fact, honestly speaking, I'd rather be forgotten, than to forget. Somehow memories mean a lot to me. I'm not sure if I'm insane or I'm diagnosed with some disease or phobia. Okay I just googled and I got this I think athazagoraphobia (wow what a long name). They refer to fear of being forgotten or fear of forgetting. I guess I'm the latter one.

Memories to me are pieces of art that really made who I am today. I know people (like me) always say how we are not supposed to cling to our past. I mean yes I don't cling to my past. I came up with this a few while ago. "For the past, bury the bitter, treasure the sweet. For the future anticipate everything, plan ahead. For the present, live like you're dying"

So yeah not that I cling to my past like as if I look at my past everyday, and can't live without it if I don't look at it everyday kind of thing. I just treasure them. And like a treasure, I don't want them to be gone. I want them to stay with me, like a pirate that is really proud of his treasure. He wants to keep it with him forever.

I guess as I said once, I'm unlike many other guys out there. Not sure about my friends, but so far I've only found a handful of people who are really sentimental as me. And most of them are girls. Well I guess there are some guys but I just haven't met them yet. Maybe cancers are like that. I heard we're a bunch of quite sentimental people.

You know sometimes I would have a slight argument with my sister especially when it comes to keeping my music CDs. I have one BUNCH of music CDs. And yes I know I put them in my computer, put them in my iPod and leave it there. But the reason why I don't wanna throw/donate/give them away is that I want to keep all of them and carry it with me to the future. I want to make this super huge library of music. That would be really nice, yes :)

To me, our memories are like a ceramic bowl. When you drop it, it will break into pieces. Maybe not-so-small pieces. You can patch them back up with a glue and stuff. But for sure... Firstly, it will be difficult to patch them back up. Secondly, it will be incomplete as some of the small tiny pieces will fly elsewhere, and it's just difficult to put these tiny ones back together.

So in conclusion, when you forget a part of your memories, it's hard to bring them back together and patch them back up again, as a whole. Really difficult. And I don't want this to happen to me. I really don't.

As fragile as our memories can be, so do our future. As time goes by, we tend to be busier. We tend to be filled with so much activities, that we tend to forget our memories. We tend to forget how fast time could fly, and then we landed in our big old ages and then when it comes to remembering stuff, we have difficulty. And our memories, you know what will happen to it.

I guess somehow I think I'm really thinking too much. But it's better to bring umbrella before it rained. And let the rain wash all our memories away.

Away.

Write

Hello. It's been such a long time since I last wrote here. And I've been telling myself that I want to write. I want to. There's so many things I want to write about. So many things I've been thinking and feel like vomiting it out. And of course, there are also so many things I had to do, that I didn't have the time to write. I've been pretty busy with my exams. But now that it's over. I can write.

I love writing. It's such a joy and comforting feeling for me to write. My friends and I were talking about English essays and literature when we were in secondary school last night. And I realised how much I missed writing, enjoying them. After all, English had to be one of my most favourite subject in secondary school. Even though I love sciences too. I enjoy English especially the writing part. Not so much of the question-answer type (we call it comprehension here).

And now that I'm in a science related course, we don't write essays but reports. We don't write stories but all things related to experiments. I'm sure every science students hate this part. I mean I'm sure we would rather do the practical and discovering part of the subject rather than just... The "boring" part of writing reports and such.

So I took such joy and pleasure blogging and writing my diary.

I don't know what's with writing but it just gave me comfort and warmth. There are times in life where we just feel like not-telling-anyone-about-our-problems kind of times. When we just want to be alone, to spend time with ourselves and not others. When we just want to spend some solitary time between us and something (and not someone). It can be music, can be the TV, can be the sky, the grass and of course the pen and the paper (or keyboard and screen).

I'm a cancer. We're a bunch of quite emotional person. They say the sign of the cancer is a crab. A crab has shell and that's why we cancer likes to hide within our shell. We like to keep things to ourselves. So far most of my cancer friends including me are like this. I love to keep things to myself. That's why somehow, sometime, I hurt myself by not letting things out.

And when that happens, I have to inflict these pain to my paper, and my blog. I know it's really evil and cruel of me to do this. Like as if I'm hurting them indirectly. But I don't know. I guess it's better to inflict damage to a non-living thing, rather than human?

(laughs)

But anyway, my blog, my diary, they are non living things that's for sure. But they share with me something special. Something... Like a bond, unseen bond that only I can share, I can feel. When life sucks I have them to rely on. But of course, I'm not just going to rely on my blog ONLY. I would usually share it with my close friends.

My diary and blog are like friends to me too. They may not give me solutions to my problem. But they provide me with comfort. They provide me something instant. A friend would give me the solution and support. Even though a diary doesn't give me the solution to a problem. I feel giving comfort is the first step for me, only, to find the solutions. Imagine having a problem. And you're feeling stressed up and you are so sad, you can't think of a solution!

And not forgetting, I'm a very sentimental person. I really treasure memories, I treasure moments. I guess that's another reason why I love writing and photography. In writing I keep memories in words. In photography I freeze moments with pictures. And I truly hope that all these can stay with me forever till I die.

Life is a mysterious thing. Time. Especially is.

I guess I'm no ordinary kind of guy. Not saying I'm special or what. Just that... Don't you think it's rare for a guy to keep a diary? To write a blog and tell about all this kind if stuff?

Well we're all special in our own ways. That definitely is.

Ah, I feel so much better now :)

Good night

Stressed

Hello, wow it's been quite a long time since I last blogged here. I'm pretty pre-occupied right now. With my exams starting this week. Thankfully I have 2 papers only. 2, difficult papers. Yikes.

The studying and everything have taken the toll in me seriously. Somehow... There's really... I don't know. I'm really mentally tired and drained from all these studyings :/ But well lets press on! It's 4 more days tot he end of the exams to look on the brighter side of things. And after my exams, my long-awaited OCIP trip will be coming so yup! Awesome rewards for awesome hard work? :D

You know... I was so tired just now that I felt really glad when I stopped studying and switched on my laptop. There's this feeling I got that relieve me. That tells me alright, I won't be studying anymore (for the time being).

I guess I need some break...

I can do this! Definitely! :)