Dear #

Dear #

Sometimes I just want to tell you, could you allow me to be who I am in front of my eyes, and not be someone from the vision of your eyes?

Can you let time decide who I will become, and not predict what I will become in the future because you believe so?

And perhaps, realise that this is not what I want.

Why can't you let me choose my own path, do my own things, be myself, and not who you want me to be?

And don't ever say that whatever I have learnt, is meaningless.

Thanks

Yours truly

Me

If time could give me an answer now

I visited Nikon Bioimaging Centre yesterday, to learn a deeper and meaningful insight in the field of research. Well, honestly. I am blown away by the things that the humble (and pricey) microscope can do. What I saw previously in books, had now been seen by my naked eyes.

And as I was chatting with the fellow people there and my friend. I felt, again, sad.

Going to NBC had totally boosted my interest in research. And to realise that I may not do research at all in the future, it just makes me feel sad. While I am inspired by Biopolis itself, and how I told one of the person that I'm intending to pursue a degree, deep in my heart, I'm drowned in a sea or uncertainty.

What's there to lie? What's there to hide?

Behind that smile I gave to him, lies a unfathomable mystery that lurks inside me. A mystery, so deep I can't even understand it myself. It's my future. The most confusing, difficult and saddening piece of puzzle one could ever possibly try to solve. But then, comes a time which I see this shining light that might solve the puzzle.

That light is hope. It accompanies me in the dark, shelter me from the storm, and bring me to the whichever path I want, and I SHOULD take. But then, comes this darkness that lurk over my hope. This darkness is called my doubts and uncertainties. Where sometimes, it prevents my hope from shining brightly, guiding me to the places I want to go.

Sometimes it's really sad, how much, how many times, I have to try to "lie" to others of the path I am choosing. Deep in my heart, and deep inside me, it's not a lie. It's a wish. A dream of mine that I terribly wish could come true. While others may believe that what I told them is the truth, deep inside me, something just stops me from believing so. But why?

Why can't I just tell myself, don't worry, you will go there.

I will?

That's the question I ask.

But remember. That's not a question. It's an answer.

I WILL!

And so

And so, after such a long time of thinking of which decisions to make. Which pathway should I take, which path that will lead me to a place I love.

I've finally chosen the Research option for my Biomedical Science Diploma.

No matter where it'll take me. Where it'll end me up at. I will go for where my heart tells me to go. For the heart, is the voice of my soul.

I think it will be a great opportunity, for me to live a research life. I want to be a researcher in the future. Someone who experiments to find cures, and investigate how this field of biomedical rotate. How things work, why are things like that.

And to live my somehow-seemingly-far-to-be-reached-dream.

I want to be a researcher.

Shining Light by Ash

Roman candles that burn in the night
Yeah, you are a shining light
You lit a torch in the infinite
Yeah, you are a shining light
Yeah, you light up my life

You've always been a thorn in their side
But to me you're a shining light
You arrive and the night is alive
Yeah, you are a shining light
Yeah, you light up my life

Chorus:
We made our connection
A full on chemical reaction
Brought by dark divine intervention
Yeah, you are a shining light
A constellation once seen
Over Royal David's city
An epiphany you burn so pretty
Yeah, you are a shining light

You are a force, you are a constant source
Yeah you are a shining light
Incandescent in the darkest night
Yeah you are shining light

My mortal blood I would sacrifice
For you are a shining light
Sovereign bride of the infinite
Yeah, you are a shining light
Yeah, you light up my life

And these are days you often say
There's nothing that we can't do
Beneath a canopy of stars
I'd shed blood for you
The north star in the firmament
You shine the most bright
I've seen you draped in an electric veil
Shrouded in celestial light

I love this song, it brings my spirit up. But... I prefer Annie Lennox's cover :)

Life's beautiful imperfections

Today I went out with my friends. It was a beautiful outing, and I really enjoyed it. It has been quite a long time since we all met together once more, and yes, I really love today. It was a beautiful day.

I knew deep in my heart that I will not be able to enjoy such pure enjoyment of going out in the future. I will not be able to once again cherish this joy of having the freedom I'm having now. Not only we'll go on our own ways, I don't think we can make up the time to meet together once more and have the same fun we used to have like today.

I mean, genuine fun and joy.

It is sad to realise about this. After such outings, all we can do is to cherish the memories we had about them, and not once again enjoy what we used to do in the future. It is sad that we will not be able to enjoy the genuine joy we had. It is sad, that all we can do to enjoy the happiness we had is through re-living them in our memories, and not in real life.

It is, really sad.

So I made a promise to myself, that I one day shall go and re-live these moments once more in the future. Be it a simple meal I used to have in one of SP's foodcourt, to going out to the cinema once more with my friends. Or perhaps having an outing again, to the places we once used to go together.

Life is imperfect, nothing lasts forever, and everything has to move on. All the good things come to an end, and all we can do is cherish them in our memories.

And to everyone out there, especially those who are in their youth age, remember to treasure the freedom you have now. Bask it in, enjoy it. But also remember to always think whenever you make an action that may cause harm to you, and others. And that regret always come too late. And when we grow up, let us once more cherish those happy moments we once had.

And bring back the smile to our face.

Friends

I'm not too sure, am I being too sensitive? Or this is the truth about me. I'm going to talk about friends, or basically people around you whom you talk to, communicate with, play with, laugh with, smile with, eat with, and more.

Of all my 4 years in Tanglin Secondary, I realised I didn't have a best friend. I mean really, a BEST friend. Someone whom I eat with everyday, go to school everyday, hangout with every weekend, do homework together, revise together. Anyway, ask yourself. What -is- your definition of a best friend?

Is he/she someone who truly reflects you? Or perhaps someone who understands you? Is he/she someone who you want them to "follow" you around? Be it to where you're going, or be it your trends and your hobby? Or basically someone whom you like to be with, and enjoy the company they give you?

What is a best friend?

I'm not even sure if I were to call -A- (prefer to disclose) my best friend. Even though I regarded A as my best friend, does A regard me as A's? And there are times which made me think once again about my question. Because sometimes A is acting like he's not even my friend. And the incident which involves A, B (and another I prefer to disclose) and me, made me even think further.

The past is the past, all I could do now is to smile to the past. The bitter-sweet past.

Now lets talk about cliques. Personally, I regarded myself as a floater. I learnt this new term from a friend. Floaters are basically people who mix around with everybody. They don't have a clique, they don't have a group. Just floating around here and there. Sometimes being a floater is hard. Cause not everyone will accept you. People may just regard you as an "extra" I called it.

I don't have a clique. I do, however, have friends. Friends that I like to be with, to be with them, play with them, go out with them, study with them. And honestly, my friends, are my friends. They are not a group of people whom I choose to be with. Perhaps it's my easy-going personality that makes me think this way, because I know some people can't just apply this rule to themselves.

And of course, I choose people wisely. People who might create trouble aren't my friends. People who are like similar poles to me are not what I want. People who gel in easily, are my friends. I mean I'm sure you don't want to have friends which you don't like isn't it? You're then wasting your own time, and somehow, "betraying" them.

But today, I came up with a line:

"If life has a textbook, its first chapter should be: Life is imperfect, and you have no choice but to ACCEPT it"

So try your best to love the people whom you hate. Of course I'm not mentioning about people whom you hold grudges with. I'm referring to friends whom you don't like because of a simple, or if not less-serious imperfectness in them. You have to accept them the way they are. Love them, not hate them.

Personally, to those people whom I hate, I'll still regard them as a friend. But I won't be so close to them. If they need help, sure I'll help. But sometimes, life is just so unfair, and you'll turn your back.

You know, sometimes I realise. I'm always caught in this situation. This. Situation. I shall not elaborate here, but it feels like you are somehow, alone. Even though you have quite a few friends beside you. But I feel, alone. And they feel, together. It feels like I'm not totally part of them, even though I do regard them as a friend.

Alone, that's a nice word hehe.

So that's why I ask myself in the beginning. Am I being to sensitive? Or is this the truth that occurs to me. Is it jealousy? Or is it fact. Seriously, this happened all the way from primary school, up till now.

Well sometimes I do feel horrible about it. I mean well yeah, sometimes I'm someone who love to ignore things. I'll just say "nahh..." but deep inside, there's always this side to where I feel a bit pinched on the heart.

So, am I thinking too much?

Regret?

As I've mentioned in my previous post, I fear that all I have done in my life so far will go into the drain. And will I regret it?

As much as I can say. No I will not regret it.

Being in the course that knowledge may not be used in the future, doing things I love, that only I can truly myself enjoy, the blood, sweat and tears I have for all of these years, I will never regret this experience.

If I were to regret this, then my life would be meaningless.

I tell myself I will not regret anything, I'll try my best to look on the bright side all the time, even though sometimes my smile is just a facade to hide my pain inside. But life is nothing but filled with regrets, and it is how we accept how things have gone for us that differentiate us between a strong person, and a weak one.

I tell myself that:

The only time I will regret the things I did, or the choices I've made, would be when I become a wondering spirit. For life is too short to be filled with regrets.