Susah

Translates to difficult. Difficult, of a lot of things. Life is difficult, living life is difficult. Well surely it's not something pleasant to talk about but well, what's life without difficulty. It wouldn't be life after all. I've been wanting to write here and well couldn't find the time and the mood to. I know, we don't find time but make time. But mood is hard. It's like I need the stars to be perfectly aligned in a beautiful constellation to write. Just kidding but yeah.

Well I'm back now. Here am I in a new chapter of my life. Embarking on a new journey, stepping into a new story of my life. I believe we are all born into a book. All beautifully divided into chapters. We are the writers of these chapters, but life has given us all these "chapters" to write upon. Once we finish one we move on to another. And then we reach the epilogue and that's it. Our stories become the memories of others' and hopefully it's a good memory to them.

Now life is difficult when suddenly you have... A chapter that is pre-written. We are just there to complete the story. Maybe there are empty words and empty pages and we're just here to fill them up. Perhaps in life we are not allowed to skip this chapter and we just have to write them and complete them down. Feels like we have no choice but to do so.

But then again maybe, it IS the chapter written for us.

I don't know, I think these are the age or probably this is MY age of rebellion. When your heart battles with what you want to do, and what you have to do. In my case it's a three battle. What I want to do, have to do, and promised to do. I guess I'm just saying all these because I'm not used to life. Maybe I have just stepped into this and as I do, life has lost its previous momentum. And I just have to gain my momentum once more. To get used to it and be fine.

I've always believed that life is a constant battle. Between finding the truth, wanting to find the answer. Seeking out why you are born here for, and searching what you really want to do in life. It's a constant struggle and battle.

Sometimes I tell myself to not think about it because to be honest, it gets tiring. Both emotionally and physically. And at the same time, everyday I can't stop thinking about it. Mind-fucked by life that is the right way to explain how I feel.

Happiness. One word, difficult to explain and wish for, and create.

How to be someone you don't want to be

Tell me how to be someone you don't want to be.
Could you please tell me?

How to be someone you never thought of becoming, to be someone you never imagine of becoming. To be someone who's never in your mind. To be someone, a person that is out of your imagination. To walk away from your dream and to walk into another path you never imagine of walking into.

It's funny how my mind is resisting the thought of me, becoming someone.
Yet at the same time it's dying to let go, to surrender to that thought.

They say freedom come to those who deserve.

So at times I tell myself that maybe this time round, I don't deserve to get this freedom that I want. Maybe bad things will happen if I get this freedom now, but not later. Maybe this is the path that life has given me, and it's better for me to take it and take it with care.

I will hold on to my dreams. Tightly, like a pollen on the body of a bee. Waiting to fall over onto a stigma of a flower to pollinate. And then it will become a fruit, like the fruit of labour.

I just wish I can fulfill the dreams of my distant memories.
Rather than being revisited by the memories, of a distant dream.