Fragility

I realise how fragile our memories can be. Memories on our mind especially. Memories come in different forms. Some are physical objects which bring us a rush of euphoria when we see, touch or hear them. Some in non-physical form. Like the memories we have in our brain. Did you know that the portion for memory in our brain is actually really small? Hmm. Ironic isn't it haha. Power of the human brain.

I was just somehow tidying up my space a little just now. My class from last semester bought me this cute folding pouch for my birthday this year. It's a pouch that can hold many different things. There's a sticker for different compartments like tickets, films, receipts, money etc. I really need this kind of pouch. And somehow one of my friend said when my class gave it to me:

"You will really need this"

I'm not too sure what she meant by that. She either mean it cause I'm my present class treasurer, hence I need this kinda pouch. Or is it because she knows I'm such a sentimental person that keeps movie tickets, concert tickets, boarding passes etc?

And yes I do keep all of the mentioned things above. In fact I keep more objects that the one listed above. I keep my birthday cards, I keep my well wishes from my friends. I keep certain objects which hold a valuable amount of memory to me. Like my prom invitation given by my school. The scores for my first every concert. My O Level papers (yes can you believe that). I keep all of them.

Why? Because one, yes I'm a sentimental person and two, because I am someone who really treasure memories.

And with the fact that I'm someone who is really paranoid about things. I have a fear, or even a great fear of one thing. To forget.

I've backed up all my photos, songs, documents from my laptop which to me are really precious. Especially photos, cause those are the only way that I can go back to my past travels. And songs too, cause I have this crazy idea to listen to the songs I really love when I grow up. And the most "radical" ever, I have some songs I want to play in my funeral (oh gosh).

Oh not to forget my wedding.

In fact, honestly speaking, I'd rather be forgotten, than to forget. Somehow memories mean a lot to me. I'm not sure if I'm insane or I'm diagnosed with some disease or phobia. Okay I just googled and I got this I think athazagoraphobia (wow what a long name). They refer to fear of being forgotten or fear of forgetting. I guess I'm the latter one.

Memories to me are pieces of art that really made who I am today. I know people (like me) always say how we are not supposed to cling to our past. I mean yes I don't cling to my past. I came up with this a few while ago. "For the past, bury the bitter, treasure the sweet. For the future anticipate everything, plan ahead. For the present, live like you're dying"

So yeah not that I cling to my past like as if I look at my past everyday, and can't live without it if I don't look at it everyday kind of thing. I just treasure them. And like a treasure, I don't want them to be gone. I want them to stay with me, like a pirate that is really proud of his treasure. He wants to keep it with him forever.

I guess as I said once, I'm unlike many other guys out there. Not sure about my friends, but so far I've only found a handful of people who are really sentimental as me. And most of them are girls. Well I guess there are some guys but I just haven't met them yet. Maybe cancers are like that. I heard we're a bunch of quite sentimental people.

You know sometimes I would have a slight argument with my sister especially when it comes to keeping my music CDs. I have one BUNCH of music CDs. And yes I know I put them in my computer, put them in my iPod and leave it there. But the reason why I don't wanna throw/donate/give them away is that I want to keep all of them and carry it with me to the future. I want to make this super huge library of music. That would be really nice, yes :)

To me, our memories are like a ceramic bowl. When you drop it, it will break into pieces. Maybe not-so-small pieces. You can patch them back up with a glue and stuff. But for sure... Firstly, it will be difficult to patch them back up. Secondly, it will be incomplete as some of the small tiny pieces will fly elsewhere, and it's just difficult to put these tiny ones back together.

So in conclusion, when you forget a part of your memories, it's hard to bring them back together and patch them back up again, as a whole. Really difficult. And I don't want this to happen to me. I really don't.

As fragile as our memories can be, so do our future. As time goes by, we tend to be busier. We tend to be filled with so much activities, that we tend to forget our memories. We tend to forget how fast time could fly, and then we landed in our big old ages and then when it comes to remembering stuff, we have difficulty. And our memories, you know what will happen to it.

I guess somehow I think I'm really thinking too much. But it's better to bring umbrella before it rained. And let the rain wash all our memories away.

Away.

Write

Hello. It's been such a long time since I last wrote here. And I've been telling myself that I want to write. I want to. There's so many things I want to write about. So many things I've been thinking and feel like vomiting it out. And of course, there are also so many things I had to do, that I didn't have the time to write. I've been pretty busy with my exams. But now that it's over. I can write.

I love writing. It's such a joy and comforting feeling for me to write. My friends and I were talking about English essays and literature when we were in secondary school last night. And I realised how much I missed writing, enjoying them. After all, English had to be one of my most favourite subject in secondary school. Even though I love sciences too. I enjoy English especially the writing part. Not so much of the question-answer type (we call it comprehension here).

And now that I'm in a science related course, we don't write essays but reports. We don't write stories but all things related to experiments. I'm sure every science students hate this part. I mean I'm sure we would rather do the practical and discovering part of the subject rather than just... The "boring" part of writing reports and such.

So I took such joy and pleasure blogging and writing my diary.

I don't know what's with writing but it just gave me comfort and warmth. There are times in life where we just feel like not-telling-anyone-about-our-problems kind of times. When we just want to be alone, to spend time with ourselves and not others. When we just want to spend some solitary time between us and something (and not someone). It can be music, can be the TV, can be the sky, the grass and of course the pen and the paper (or keyboard and screen).

I'm a cancer. We're a bunch of quite emotional person. They say the sign of the cancer is a crab. A crab has shell and that's why we cancer likes to hide within our shell. We like to keep things to ourselves. So far most of my cancer friends including me are like this. I love to keep things to myself. That's why somehow, sometime, I hurt myself by not letting things out.

And when that happens, I have to inflict these pain to my paper, and my blog. I know it's really evil and cruel of me to do this. Like as if I'm hurting them indirectly. But I don't know. I guess it's better to inflict damage to a non-living thing, rather than human?

(laughs)

But anyway, my blog, my diary, they are non living things that's for sure. But they share with me something special. Something... Like a bond, unseen bond that only I can share, I can feel. When life sucks I have them to rely on. But of course, I'm not just going to rely on my blog ONLY. I would usually share it with my close friends.

My diary and blog are like friends to me too. They may not give me solutions to my problem. But they provide me with comfort. They provide me something instant. A friend would give me the solution and support. Even though a diary doesn't give me the solution to a problem. I feel giving comfort is the first step for me, only, to find the solutions. Imagine having a problem. And you're feeling stressed up and you are so sad, you can't think of a solution!

And not forgetting, I'm a very sentimental person. I really treasure memories, I treasure moments. I guess that's another reason why I love writing and photography. In writing I keep memories in words. In photography I freeze moments with pictures. And I truly hope that all these can stay with me forever till I die.

Life is a mysterious thing. Time. Especially is.

I guess I'm no ordinary kind of guy. Not saying I'm special or what. Just that... Don't you think it's rare for a guy to keep a diary? To write a blog and tell about all this kind if stuff?

Well we're all special in our own ways. That definitely is.

Ah, I feel so much better now :)

Good night

Stressed

Hello, wow it's been quite a long time since I last blogged here. I'm pretty pre-occupied right now. With my exams starting this week. Thankfully I have 2 papers only. 2, difficult papers. Yikes.

The studying and everything have taken the toll in me seriously. Somehow... There's really... I don't know. I'm really mentally tired and drained from all these studyings :/ But well lets press on! It's 4 more days tot he end of the exams to look on the brighter side of things. And after my exams, my long-awaited OCIP trip will be coming so yup! Awesome rewards for awesome hard work? :D

You know... I was so tired just now that I felt really glad when I stopped studying and switched on my laptop. There's this feeling I got that relieve me. That tells me alright, I won't be studying anymore (for the time being).

I guess I need some break...

I can do this! Definitely! :)