Oh well

Sigh, I just finished studying some part for a module called genetic and molecular biology. Oh gosh honestly, I hate genetics, and will never be want to be a genetic scientist. And the ironic thing is that I wanna be a scientist that handles with bacteria and stuff, cause they're interesting. Was reading about DNA replication in eucaryotes and I go booms.

Oh Buddha please bless me and GM bio :/

But reading stuff just now lightens my burden in the ever increasing worry I have for GM bio.

Currently I'm in my hometown, and yes it's been quite a long time since I blogged here. Pretty busy, and I always keep forgetting to blog here event hough I have lots of things to talk about. And well I guess it's too late to write what I wanted to.

Well... It's pretty hard, I've told you here of how much I dread my future. Of the mysteries and wonders I've been thinking of, and the problem I've always think about, to how I want it to be. It's pretty sad and scary to always think of the future. In a way one, I don't know what lies ahead, and two, if -that- is going to be my future, then I will really go feel... I don't know.

It's pretty hard, I always tell myself how selfish we all are in our own different ways. I think I'm selfish, and I think he's selfish, no? But no one can tell really, who knows the future? No one. But no matter what lies ahead, I'm just going to think and live the present like really live it. Pointless to think of the future always, whether it'll turn out right, or wrong. Cause no one knows!

Take life as a chess game. If you keep on thinking whether you'll win or lose this game, then you'll never be focussed on your game right now. Since you're thinking WHETHER you'll win or not, instead of thinking on HOW to win it. If you're always on thinking of your past, lets say you have lost a game. Then the same thing happened. Fear will not let you go anywhere.

So well, I maybe a foolish dreamer, that always remind myself, tell myself, write here and there, of how I just want to focus and live the present. But I'm also a dreamer that hopes for the future. I'm a dreamer that dreams big, that hopes for the better to come. As foolish as I may seem, I will always dare to dream, and never stop dreaming.

So I'm sorry, but I want, and I will graduate with a good diploma in two years time. As for the future?

Who knows :)

Too much

I just want to add something.

I think I'm just thinking too much.

Emptiness

Alright I'm giving myself 15 minutes to blog this post.

Have you ever wondered, or felt this kind of feeling before? This... Empty feeling. Not saying that you're emotionless, AKA not happy, not sad, not stressed, not relaxed. I don't know how to put it in words. It's just empty. That's the only word that can explain it. It feels weird I know, but have you felt that way?

I do, and I always do.

I don't know what causes it, it's just this really empty feeling that I can't describe. For me, the feeling is accompanied by this heart-wrenching feeling. Like a tad feeling of someone pinching your heart, or poking it with needles. It's the same feeling as my after-holiday-trips feeling. Empty. Not that you're moodless to do things or something like that.

I'm going round and round, I've realised.

Nevertheless, I've been back in my hometown for a week now. I'm happy that I've finished quite a lot of things, yes it really sucked to have exams waiting for you ahead of your holiday, and assignments, waiting to be done before the holiday comes to an end. But at the same time, I'm intrigued. Who knows the new system of exams-after-holidays is better?

Which I doubt so.

And of course going back means... Thinking of "those things". Never fail to do so, and I hate it a lot to think about that. But it's inevitable. I guess it is evitable. I just have to do two things. Think positively, and always hope for the best. And these two things are not something that's easily achieved. It's hard you know, sometimes to do things that somehow go against you, or something like that.

I would like to take this holiday to rejuvenate. 7 weeks of poly life in year 2 is not really a smooth and easy path we all take. I'm sure all of us deserve this good holiday to rejuvenate as well. And yes, I deserve it too. But oh well. this holiday to me will be a self-deserving one. I'll be the one that plans how this holiday can happen to allow me to rejuvenate as well.

I've been in constant thought of the future, of what he had told me, of lots of things. I hate thinking of all these things and try my best to get away from them as far, as much, as possible. It's just heartbreaking, and painful both in the physical and mental way. And of course, I will always, as always, tell myself to just live the present to the fullest. And let time take me to the future.

Sometimes people say. You work hard for yourself, and not for others. To my content, it's true. I'll just continue to work hard, for myself. For the sense of my own satisfaction, for the sense of my own accomplishment. It's pointless to think of this and that. I guess life will just take its course naturally. Law of attraction.

I am one selfish bitch. But I can't help it.

C'est la vie, que sera sera. Lets just live the present to the fullest, the future's not for us to see, que sera sera.

Sigh...

12 minutes :)

Sigh

Why must you always tell me that.

I hate it when we're stuck in that conversation about that topic.

I have my own viewpoint which I know you'll find meaningless.

And I know it won't be a waste of time.

It's an experience I will never forget.

Sigh.

Nevertheless, I will always look on the bright side, and be positive always.

Hope for the future, shout it, don't whisper