As freedom is as free as the wind

Today was a wonderful day. It's one of those days where I felt so free once more. Like once when I went to East Coast Park with my friends and not knowing where to go. And once more when I went to Sweden and Norway. But this time round, I felt it here, right in my hometown.

I was helping one of the garden's worker, plucking out peanuts from their plants. It seems to be an ordinary job. But imagine doing it under the evening sky, with the sky painted in the cooling colours of the dusk. And the whispering wind blowing through your face. It was really... Comforting, and free.

Then as I washed the soil off my hands, I just stared onto the distance in front of me. And the sky was bluish in colour. The clouds. With streaks of golden rays passing through it. And it was just peaceful. With the sounds of the crickets and frogs heard from beneath the grasses, it was just so comforting to the ears, and to the heart.

Seriously, who doesn't mind living like that?

Where Has My Childhood Gone To?

Where has my childhood gone to?
It has gone to a place in my heart
Where I shall go to escape from life
When it gets tough, and hard
To savour the sweet days I once had

Where has my childhood gone to?
It has gone to my memory
Where I shall keep it till eternity
Where I will treasure each and every
bits of fragments of those days dearly

Where has my childhood gone to?
It has gone with time
Together with me, wherever I go to
Those days were as prime, as sublime
as the most priceless piece of gem you’ll ever find

Where has my childhood gone to?
It may be lost forever, for time had passed
I may not return back to those days
But I can always escape and return through my memory,
To the once sweet and innocent time.

Of my childhood days.

Why?

Firstly I'm pretty much sad right now. I'm just sad, after hearing what he said. In fact, I've always felt sad every time. Sometimes I always ask myself. Why me? Why am I born to lead this life. Why can't I be another person, a much more free person.

Every time I go back to my hometown, for a so called "vacation", I can't help but think of so many stupid things which make me can't enjoy my holiday. I don't even call this a holiday.

I have to think of my future, of the two of them, of my family, of this and that, that and this. You call this a holiday? I want to go for a holiday. A holiday where I can enjoy it. I can forget about life, and I don't have to worry about them. But sometimes going back just make me feel even more stressed. With lots of things to think of. Stupid, redundant things.

You might want to say that I'm thinking too much, and too far. I'm thinking of outrageous things, which I don't even have to think about. But tell me, when these things happened over and over and over again, you can't help but to think isn't it? Think about it all the time.

Why, WHY.

Why must you always think of people in the eyes of yours, why can't you just accept them the way they are. Why must you expect them to behave, to think, to act, the way you want them to. I don't understand why.

EVERY EFFING night, I would pray, I would pray that the above will lead me, and the rest of my family to the right path. And I'm serious about this. Sometimes those little things you think of, or you don't like of, whenever I think about it, I'm AFRAID. I'm fearful. I love you both, I really do. And I always hate it when there's something you don't like, and the two of you either gets into a fight or a cold war.

Every time I go back, I have to think of all these. And if I don't go back, I'm sure you won't like it. But how? Why can't I just have a proper holiday, A PROPER holiday. A holiday where I can relax after a few months of schooling. I should relax, but sometimes thinking of all these would make me feel like... Horrible. Really horrible.

I'm not relaxed at all, I want to go and enjoy my holiday. Why can't I?

I always ask myself, why do I have to lead this life. Why am I born on that day, on that time, to be who I am now? Sometimes I just feel like I should go away from this world. Then these problems will be over, forever.

But then I think again. If I were to go away that easily, this 17 effing years of my life will go to a waste.

Sometimes, I just desire an answer. Why? And so far, no one could answer me. And please, I really really do hope that the two of you will get better. Please, I don't want any fights, or just a small argument. It just terrifies me. It frightens me. You know how much they do to me? I really love both of you. I really do...

Sigh... Why, why why why....

Dear #

Dear #

Sometimes I just want to tell you, could you allow me to be who I am in front of my eyes, and not be someone from the vision of your eyes?

Can you let time decide who I will become, and not predict what I will become in the future because you believe so?

And perhaps, realise that this is not what I want.

Why can't you let me choose my own path, do my own things, be myself, and not who you want me to be?

And don't ever say that whatever I have learnt, is meaningless.

Thanks

Yours truly

Me

If time could give me an answer now

I visited Nikon Bioimaging Centre yesterday, to learn a deeper and meaningful insight in the field of research. Well, honestly. I am blown away by the things that the humble (and pricey) microscope can do. What I saw previously in books, had now been seen by my naked eyes.

And as I was chatting with the fellow people there and my friend. I felt, again, sad.

Going to NBC had totally boosted my interest in research. And to realise that I may not do research at all in the future, it just makes me feel sad. While I am inspired by Biopolis itself, and how I told one of the person that I'm intending to pursue a degree, deep in my heart, I'm drowned in a sea or uncertainty.

What's there to lie? What's there to hide?

Behind that smile I gave to him, lies a unfathomable mystery that lurks inside me. A mystery, so deep I can't even understand it myself. It's my future. The most confusing, difficult and saddening piece of puzzle one could ever possibly try to solve. But then, comes a time which I see this shining light that might solve the puzzle.

That light is hope. It accompanies me in the dark, shelter me from the storm, and bring me to the whichever path I want, and I SHOULD take. But then, comes this darkness that lurk over my hope. This darkness is called my doubts and uncertainties. Where sometimes, it prevents my hope from shining brightly, guiding me to the places I want to go.

Sometimes it's really sad, how much, how many times, I have to try to "lie" to others of the path I am choosing. Deep in my heart, and deep inside me, it's not a lie. It's a wish. A dream of mine that I terribly wish could come true. While others may believe that what I told them is the truth, deep inside me, something just stops me from believing so. But why?

Why can't I just tell myself, don't worry, you will go there.

I will?

That's the question I ask.

But remember. That's not a question. It's an answer.

I WILL!