People

Right, hello there again. Can't believe that my life in polytechnic has officially come to an end! No more assignments, no more exams, no more projects. I'm... Free! Well not really cause I'll be rather busy with the going back. For I'm returning home after this. So I'm tidying up my place and so on so it's gonna be quite a busy one. Nevertheless, I can't believe I'm done with poly. Three years seems to go by pretty quickly. Feels like it was two (instead of three) that I entered in year one!

Though I must say, the three years went a tad slower as compared to the 4 years of secondary school.

Although I'm a science student, the three years in poly have also taught me something else - people. They have taught me more about people. Human interaction, behavior and thoughts. And it's something I'm glad to have "picked up" along the way, accidentally or co-incidentally. Well I suppose we can't escape this. For in poly we made many interactions with many people. For projects, studies, co-curriculum activities, outings and many more. We made many friends too. Unless you're those handful that decide to either be alone or have your own cliques, for the entire three years.

Nevertheless... Let's not talk about that but people. Well I have to say that the three years have taught me different things about people. Why do people behave in this way, why do people do this, and not do that. Why do people talk like that, why do people act like that. The different types of friends I have in poly and also the different types of people I dislike. Everything that happened in the past three years seems to be one valuable lesson for me. And I will treasure it.

I remember we have a module in year one and it's called "Our Nation Our World" or also known as ONOW. Basically it's a module that is about current affairs and character building thingy. But I remember clearly that for our first lesson, my lecturer decided to kick it off with one activity. So we have a set of questions to be answered. And after that from the results we obtained, we move to 4 different corners of the classroom. I was in one corner with like... One more friend only.

Not sure if you've heard about the test but so basically the 4 corners represent:
- Easygoing informal
- Easygoing formal
- Assertive informal
- Assertive formal

Four groups of people. Four different personalities. And well different groups of people work well/not well with certain kind of people. Well guess where do I belong? Apparently I'm in the easygoing informal people. So I'm someone who's easygoing, go with the flow, submissive, cheerful and happy. And I work well with the same group of people or the assertive people - because at the end of the day I will most probably end up submitting to them.

Well back then I told myself what's so special about the test... It's just a personality test... I'm not going to believe it... Tralala life is good. But hey at the end of the 5th semester, everything that I know from this test makes sense. I look around me, I think back of the groups I've met and the people I came across with, then I realised why I clashed with some people, why I work well with some people, why some people work well with other people and so on and so forth.

As much easygoing as I can be, if something is against my will, I will definitely say no. I would say I'm a quiet kind of guy. If something is against me I'll keep quiet or find alternative ways to rebut back to that person. But I won't go in an outburst to say @#$@%#$( and then we'll end up fighting or something like that. I guess I treasure our friendship/relationship more than my ego.

Okay and I'm not being a prejudice here but I realised a trend of some people - those in the "higher" grounds, if you know what I mean. They have more peaks than curbs (A vs C). Somehow most of the assertive formal people that I've met are people who are on those higher grounds. And then the rest is just a mix. And in fact to be honest, I've never met someone who's smart and is easygoing. Really no offense though! That's just how I feel.

It's rather scary to know what people would do for marks, and I even heard stories, how cunning and sly they would do to get to the top. I thought all these only happen in TV but hey no, it's happening in front of my eyes heh. But at the same time, I'm not surprised.

Then there are the different behaviors and personalities that I come across. How some people behave on social media is really different on how they behave in reality. Or sometimes, their social behavior reflect their personalities - or their past. I guess I am slowly picking up the art of reading people's mind and their behaviors. To why they act in a certain way. I'm not a certified psychologist so my thoughts may not be a 100% accurate. But well, somehow they are explainable.

And last but not least, the friends.

Since the beginning of poly, or even life. I don't know why but I'm not a clique person. I'm not someone who will revolve my life around a group of people. Where we'll eat together, study together, share life together and so on. I deem myself more of a floater. I talk to people I wanna talk with, study with people who want to study with me, and so on. I do have a couple of good friends who stayed by my side for these three years, and I'm thankful for them. And I even have a really close friend who's really literally been together with me from beginning to end.

Looking back, I do most things alone. I would drag myself to school to study alone. If I have to eat alone I will. If I have to do this alone I will. I'm glad I don't have to rely on others. I don't have to NEED a clique to be with, and in fact I don't wish to. I'm a floater and everyone can be my friend and yeah. Once again I suppose I treasure my relationship more than my ego. I would rather keep quiet than hate. Why's there a need to hate anyway?

With the drama I'm having in my class, I choose not to take sides. I still talk to people of both sides. And I keep quiet cause I know my words won't get anywhere anyway. But nevertheless, yes, I guess one of the greatest achievement I "unlocked" is that I have no cliques in poly. And I'm happy with that! Means I'm being myself I suppose? :)

Well so yeah. Apart from all the wonderful science knowledge I obtained. I also learnt a great lesson about people in poly from the things I went through. The people I work with, the people I met, the people I come across with, the politics, the drama, the events that took place. Basically the three eventful years in poly have made me learnt a lot about people. How people behave, why people behave in a certain way, why some people can't work together and why some are like cookies and cream. Definitely, a lesson worth learning!

Oh well, au voir poly. Thanks for teaching me about many things apart from science ;)

Homesick - Kings of Convenience

I find listening to songs I love, then typing out the lyrics as the song plays on really therapeutic.
So here it is. This is Homesick by Kings of Convenience.

Homesick by Kings of Convenience

I lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
But I can't stop listening to the sound
Of two soft voices, blended in perfection
From the reels of this record that I found

Everyday there's a boy in the mirror
Asking me what are you doing here
Finding all my previous motives
Growing increasingly unclear

I travelled and I burned all the bridges
I believe as soon as I hit land
All the other options held before me
Withered in the light of my plan

So I lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
But there's only one thing on my mind
Searching boxes underneath the counter
On a chance that on the tape I found

A song for
Someone who needs somewhere
To long for

Homesick
Cause I no longer know
Where home is

I can foresee myself in the future. Listening to this song again and crying my heart out. It's really a good song, and somehow it speaks to me. It tells me the story that I'm currently now in. I will miss this sunny island. When I'm home, I'll get homesick of my second home too.

A certain kind of sadness

No I'm not talking about Gotye's song, cause this certain kind of sadness is not something I would want to get addicted to. I'm just talking about this certain kind of sadness I've been feeling for the past two weeks or so? Basically since the year has started. Perhaps the reason why I couldn't sleep every night is because of all these thoughts, running discreetly in my mind. Of course I may not be thinking of these physically. But somewhere at the back of my heart, of my mind, they are running wildly.

I've always told myself not to think about it. As you may know, I'm kind of a positive person. Instead of thinking the negative things, I always try my best not to. I will just think of the positive things ahead, or the difficult one - of the positive things of these negative things. Because as we all know nothing is perfectly beautiful nor perfectly ugly. So everything, has a beauty on it.

The future, is this one thing I try not to think about too. Because I believe in the Buddhist teaching of living the moment, the present, earnestly. Of course I would anticipate the future. I'll plan ahead, of what I want to do. But I try not to be bothered by it. By the challenges that may come, the things I wish would never happen but definitely will. I think we all do though, it's like, we can't escape from it fully. No matter what, we'll be reminded of it.

I know, time is time, the future will come, no matter how much you don't want it to. Tomorrow will come, even if you wish today would last forever. Sometimes, you wish tomorrow will come because today was so horrible. And once again I always believe in the Buddhist teaching of Anicca - the contemplation of impermanence. That nothing is permanent, and all things will rise and go away, lost in the abyss of time. And even time, is impermanent too.

It feels horrible, to somehow have this huge burden above your shoulder. Day by day, it seems like this burden is increasing and increasing. It truly feels like the world is on my back, and all my heart wishes is to have the world leaving me. That's why these days, I just wish to be alone. Every night I don't feel like doing anything (which is bad cause I have work to do). Every night I just wish to escape into this shell of mine and just be myself. To forget the world and its content.

I wish I can just let go of everything. I want to be myself once again. I just want to be with me. Yet there are always things that would remind me of the bitter things. It feels really tough, really. Conversation about that, and yet, there's always this tendency that they want me to leave quickly. I know he can't wait for me to return. But I don't. Can I just have more time? For one last time? Please? I'm already returning. And I wish for more time. Is it hard to ask for?

It's just so painful. Sometimes we just wish, to be understood. Sometimes I tell myself, I think it's enough to understand people. Why can't people understand me? It was so painful when he told me "yeah for the last time" on New Year's Eve. My heart wrenched deeply. It's so pain. I suppose it feels nothing for him. But to me, it really means a lot. Like seriously a lot.

I've thought of talking everything out with him, yet deeply I know he will disagree, and he will give lots of reasons. And sometimes I know it's useless, though a part of me wishes that it will be okay. Just talk things out, just let it be. But sigh, at some point of time, I just somehow know it will turn into a useless discussion. An empty one that goes pointless.

Sometimes I just want to ask the world. Isn't this sacrifice enough? Haven't I done enough? Then how come I don't deserve this? In another part, I tell myself, maybe I'm too selfish. But when I weigh this sacrifice, and the wish I'm asking for, my sacrifice is way heavier. Don't you think so too? Right?

I don't know what to do.

But I need to stop this kind of sadness.

Because bright days are ahead of me.

Free from me

Right, so it's been a really really long time since I wrote here... Well yup you've missed out a lot! I guess. It's the 18th of December and yeah, my internship has ended and so thus my big project. I'm really glad that it's all over now. In fact as you know it, back then I've been wanting for all of these to end. And well it has all now come to an end so yup. Time to rejoice, time to just have fun.

Whatever happened, happened. And I've decided to leave all grudges about these bitter moments. Moreover, all these days have turned into memories. And memories are things that will never return. And thus bad, good bitter sweet memories, all gone and will no longer return. So yes, let's not bear whatever grudges anymore shall we.

Anyway... Today I want to rant! Really unlike of me to rant in my blog. Okay maybe I shouldn't really call it ranting. How about to put it this way - Sharing my views.

As you all know I'm back in my hometown now after this like 7 months of _____. Well I really love to have, a break. A holiday.  A period of time where I can just do whatever I want, rest, go somewhere and have fun. Perhaps I'm just being "brainwashed" by the dreamy reality of the delusional views of reality. The "stereotype" events where after school = holidays = fun and yay! Go all out and be crazy.

As I once said, we are all selfish in one way or another. There is no way we can deny that. Like I literally mean, no way. No one is truly, fully, not-selfish. I'm pretty sure at one point of time in your life, there were acts where you are selfish with the second party. Sometimes we're selfish, for our own goodsake. But most of the time I suppose - it's the other way round.

And with the Buddhist teaching of Anatta - or non-self. I always believe that we're truly free, not when we're free from the chains of external things. But we're only free when we're able to free ourselves, from ourselves. Sounds hard to understand? Well basically, we're only free, when we let go of ourselves. When there's no longer I in me. And...

I guess it's rather impossible to do so.

I suppose we are only truly free - when we die. When we let go of everything in this merry-go-round we called life. Once we let go of life, we let go of everything, we let go of us. And I'm sure no one wants to die early just to free yourself right? Not worth it. There are times we have to live and of course only when the time is right, when we reached the end point to life, we'll e able to then "die" and fully free ourselves. No I am not being suicidal here.

I'm always torn between two paths I suppose. The path where I wish people would understand me. And another where I somehow tell myself - no you should understand people. This is where the distinction of stubborn people, nice people, Mr Nice Guy and Mr not-so-nice guy and everything else, appear. The path, where do you walk more on? That's where you stand and you know where you're going. And what kind of people are you.

Everytime I go back, I have a wish. To have a holiday. Well of course I do. I'm having a holiday where I don't have to go to school, to go to work, to do my project. But I guess there's a missing part in which I want to do the things I want to do. Plan out things which I wanna do and ACTUALLY carry them out. I would really love to just spend my days lazying around at home doing nothing, doing what I want to do. Basically doing something I wasn't able to do in the past couple of long long months. As and when I wish. Without walking the "no you should understand others" path. You know.

I realise on the other hand too, that I've been a middleman all of my life. Torn between two parties, but I know I don't want to side any. I guess this is what making me an indecisive guy. And also someone who's not walking on neither paths mentioned above.But well what's worst than choosing the path you want to walk, is to walk the path you don't have any intention of walking on.

Well. I... Still don't know what to do. Couple of years I've been feeling this and somehow I feel I have no one to talk to but you (awww...) so yeah. Thanks for listening! Felt good after this rant. All I can do now is to well, wish that my remaining days here would get brighter and brighter! And I know they will. Because happiness comes from within!

Decisions and future

Hello all, it's been quite a long time since I wrote here. Been pretty busy with project and work and... Well it's already hard to update my daily blog. Imagine keep on updating this blog. I'll just write here whenever I can and wherever I can. Currently I'm back in my hometown for a short weekend. I'll just be back till Monday. And then yeah, reality will sink in.

Though I wish for this trip back home to be something nice and rejuvenating, where it is a chance for me to relax and rest after 7.5 months of attachment, and also after one hectic week (last week), well perhaps maybe not. The first night I was here, reality strikes me again. Last night I wish I could sleep in peace but somehow before I sleep, thoughts were running wild in my head and I don't know why. Though thankfully, in the end, I managed to fall asleep without notice.

I know I have made the decision back when the year has just started. And I know deep that I will not make any more other decisions. Though when I arrived last night, there might be a huge change that will happen when I grow up. Now I'm afraid of my decision. Though I have made the decision, and my heart seems to be appeased with it. My mind, my future and my thoughts are all in one piece, in one peace.

But whenyou ask me if I'm still afraid of the future,

I'm afraid the answer is still a yes. 

Quite funny how I made this decision when the year started. And along the way there are things I wish I can do when I grow up as well. All these plans that I've been telling to my friends, now seems to hand on the edge of a cliff. Not knowing to fall, or to stand in fear, or to get out of the place and stand strong. I must make the best out of this.

Life can be filled with disappointments, and uncertainties. But like every rose has its thorns and every dark cloud have its silver lining, nothing is perfect. Nothing is perfectly beautiful, nor nothing is perfectly ugly. These uncertainties that seem to bother me, they seem to function for another thing. They are just more reasons for me to live my life to the fullest. More.

I'm left with about 5 months before I say goodbye to school. And soon I'll be in my graduation gown. And soon will be at the airport bidding my farewell, to eleven years of life on the island. When the day arrives, I'll look ahead and perhaps fear may be rushing within me. But I definitely know that though the journey may seem long, and seem tough, I'll take it in.

I've made that decision and I will stick with it no matter that the outcome or the changes that might occur along the way. After all it's life. Where change is the only constant.

Now if I can make a wish, I just wish for a great remaining days here back at home. Just let me forget life for a little while. Though only for a few days. But at least yeah, take me away from reality if I may.

Another side

It's been twenty six and a half weeks since my attachment has started. It's a long time, I know. Whenever I told everyone how long I've went through, their mouths would open feeling shocked why does it take a long time to end. And some would ask me, how come my attachment never ends. I would give them a shrug, and tell them don't ask that question to me, I'm sure most of us would want it to end quicker either. Seven months, definitely, too long.

Attachment of course, has taught me many lessons. Not just in the application side. Surprisingly, the life side of it. Quite sad, how we've all (or some of us) come to a point when being stressed is like... Something daily. Feels like we're at the breaking point of this whole thing. Towards the end I suppose, when we feel really horrible about everything. We feel like giving up, we feel to just let go of everything. After all, we're all new to this field. Alone.

Well being in the "working life" for these past 26 weeks have taught me many lessons about life, about work itself. Definitely, as we all know it, the working life is something totally different as compared to school life. Well like all things in life, we learn from the bad experience and move on, we treasure the sweet moments which we hope to bring in smiles in the future. May it be a bitter smile, sweet smile, silly smile. Just a memory that will linger.

The working life has shown me different sides.

Different sides of human you've never seen before. Something maybe you've seen in your school life. Some just don't. I guess after all of these, I've learnt how much, at the end of the day, people won't really care about you, how you feel, who you are, what's going on with you and so on. At the end of the day we're left alone in this world to fight and stay alive. Sure people can help you, but at the end, you'll stand alone in this battlefield.

Different sides of life, you'll never experience in school. The working life is tougher. If you think school is tough, think again.You'll get to experience what is, life. The stress and the pressure you're going to have is totally different, and of course tougher than the pressure you get in school. You learn how to be responsible for others, and just not yourself. And at times learning about this, can be a tough process. Not something you can take overnight. But at the end of the day, you'll learn it.

It's quite funny how when we're in school, we tell ourselves we can't wait to graduate and to start working. We complain how sucky school can be. That being a working adult is so much nicer than being a student. Surely, some side of it yes. And at the same time, some side of it are just not nice at all. So please, treasure your school life. You will definitely miss it when you grow up and you get out of the school life to the working life. I have a few months of school left. I will, and I must treasure it.

I guess happiness is just something difficult to be created. It's not a simple recipe to make. Let alone, the ingredients are hard to find. But we all should know how happiness comes within ourselves and not something else outside of it.

The day you discover that happiness comes from within, is the day you'll shed tears of sadness, as a smile lit up from your face. Yet you don't know whether you cry tears of joy, or smile to put up a brave front. The day you discover that happiness comes from within, will be a day of discovery that life will quite be a journey for you. That life, is a journey worth suffering from.

Contemplating about life?

Somehow everyday, and... Somehow starting from this year. I begin to love contemplating about life. I would stare at an empty space while my minds run with deep thoughts, thinking of life. Basically everything and anything. Random things turned into deep thoughts, things I see turn into lessons and things I always ponder about. Hence yes. I am thinking about life.

And my friend would always ask me, Contemplating about life?

Well I always do yes. Quite funny how we always think about things, daydreaming and so on. But then at the end of these moments we turn these seemingly random thoughts into something deep which is really lovely in a sense. I guess it's important to think, and think of good thoughts.

Today I was just staring at the blank space. And somehow I remind myself. That everything happens for a reason. Why I was sitting down at the foodcourt, why I was walking to the foodcourt, why we decided to come to this foodcourt, why did I eat that food and so on.  Well as I always said, if they don't happen for a reason, they they wouldn't have happened at all. Similarly, whatever has happened in my life so far, they do happen for a reason too.

I believe when things don't go with your flow, they're just blessings in disguise. There must be a reason why things happen that way, and not this way. When something doesn't go according to your plan, take it that something greater will happen. And well yeah. Sometimes, or in fact everytime, it's good to look on the brighter side of things, always. I'm nearly there, I know all of this will come to an end soon. In no time! Whatever it is.

Sometimes I feel sad... Not sure if I have become someone who's less happy or depressed. Every Tuesday I would go home, watch TV and catch the show "Just For Laughs" just to let me have a good laugh though it's only for a good hour. Feels like I need to do something to make myself a good laugh haha. Laughter is the best medicine I suppose.

Oh well, whatever it is, I won't stop contemplating about life. As the saying goes, we need to lose ourselves to find ourselves. So though I might be lost in my own deep thoughts, I know at the end of the sea, I will be able to find another side of me which I never find before. Losing, to find my way back kind of thing. Isn't it cool?

Alright. May the remaining weeks be smooth sailing.