Unwanted

You didn't want me, did you? All you did is to leave me alone beside that long stretch of road. That lonely road. I knew it deeply that you didn't want me, just because he left you for another woman. You are weak, you are always weak. You couldn't even stand it. Why?

You didn't give me a chance. A chance to lead a normal life. A chance to be a normal child. A chance to be a son of yours, and most importantly, a chance to be loved.

You didn't understand me. I woke up and all I found is this man in uniform. I didn't know him. You didn't know how much I cried when I opened my eyes and seeing him lifting me up.

You once said you would love me always, no matter what happens. You told me that I will be the best child in the world. You never kept your promise, and you never will.

You are nobody, but a coward that doesn't accept life.

-------------------------

These are the words that Jason uttered deep in his heart. Jason, now 16, lived with his adopted father in the small town of Phoenix. Right 16 years ago, his father found him beside a road, wrapped in nothing but a flimsy cloth. Jason was sleeping quietly when his father found him. As he opened his tiny, innocent eyes, he cried to see this man he didn't know.

For 16 years, his anger boiled inside him.

Jason's mother, Fiona, carried him inside her womb when she was 18. She was a pretty lady whom everyone loved. One fine day she met a young man who took her away. They stayed together for a few months. Their relationship was blissful, she saw a beautiful wedding in her mind. She and her husband, walking along the aisle with a beautiful bouquet of flower.

But in that cold and windy autumn, everything changed. The night was cold, and the wind was blowing harshly against their window. The two of them were getting close to each other on their bed. It started with a kiss, and it evolved to a night that changed their lifetime.

A few days later, Fiona cooked a feast for her partner. All of his favourite food, the wines, and even the table was decorated elaborately. Then her partner came home. She hugged him, but he pushed her away. Fiona heard the biggest shock of her life. He had been sacked out of his job.

Then Fiona told him another shock - She was pregnant.

The couple decided to do their best to keep the baby, and to be economically stable. Her partner look for another job. A job, merely enough to feed them. Fiona had decided to take up a part time job in that fast-food outlet. Their struggle had been worthed it. It was one month more to Jason's birth. And everything went downhill.

Jason left Fiona with another woman he met at his workplace. All he had left was a note saying "I love you, dear. But I could not bear the responsibility of being the father of our boy"

Fiona cried, life had turned its back from her. Despite of her sadness, she carried on with life, and Jason was born on that cold autumn night.

And she gave his life away. On that cold, lonely road.

-Inspired from a scene I saw on TV-

Identity

Today as I watched the NDP show on TV, it tells me how fast time flies. Very quickly.

And I asked myself, and I told myself. You've lived here for a long time. Is this your second home? And yes, I feel Singapore is now my second home. But Sukabumi, is and will always be my home. And as the saying goes, home is where the heart is.

Today, I want to talk about identity. About who we are, and how we've changed.

Honestly, when I was young, I have a mindset that I should not be so "patriotic" towards Singapore. After all I'm only a student here. I'm not even a citizen here. I'm a foreigner. I remember how I used to not like my friends. And how I preferred to have friends from my homeland. I remember how I used to really really love going back, and how sad I was to go back to Singapore after my holidays.

Now, everything changes.

As years go by and life goes on, my perception of this place changes. Life becomes better. My friends, teachers, and people around me who made my study here so much more meaningful. They made me enjoy living here, studying here. It made me wonder, am I a part of them now?

My friend once called me "a very Singaporean foreigner". How true. I spoke more or less with Singlish now. I enjoyed their food, and I loved the company of my friends. I enjoyed how I spent some of the weekends here. With my friends, going out, eating out.

I've spent 8 years of my life here studying. Isn't it a no-wonder why I enjoyed all these? It's like spending my childhood, and teen-hood here. I wonder when I grow up, how am I going to share all these moments with my peers perhaps, back in my country? We'll be in two different worlds!

And of course not forgetting, as life passes by here, I've met some Indonesian studying abroad here as well. I felt there is three different people that I met. One group is a true-blue Indonesian. They have more Indonesian friends as compared to their Singaporean peers. Another one have a balanced number of both. And lastly, more Singaporean and Indonesian.

I think I belong to the third one.

And of course there are different factors that give rise to such situations. The first group usually belong to people who come to Singapore at a later age (like secondary or so) and just came here recently. The third one, someone who came here at quite a young age. The second one can either be both, just that they want to have a balanced number of friends.

Nope, I don't blame them or something like that. I know some people who regard people like us (or the third group) as something "wrong". Oh Indonesian should go with Indonesian, and we should not forget who we are as Indonesians.

Well not really. Imagine this. I've spent 8 years here with little Indonesian friends. In my primary school, I only have one Indonesian friend In secondary school, more, but towards the end of my secondary school life. There's a lot in poly, just that I have not met them.

So in these 8 years I have lived my life with my other Singaporean peers. Isn't it natural for me to gel in with them more efficiently? I suppose so.

And another matter. The third group of people usually speaks English more than Indonesian. Well that's true, explained above as well. But not for me. Yes I do love and enjoy writing. speaking and expressing myself in English. After all, it's the language medium I've used in my eight years right?

But I will never forget how to speak Indonesian. I still firmly believe that one should never forget his/her mother tongue. We are after all born in the country where we are born in, no matter wherever we are. Well of course for exception are those who migrated at a young age.

And nope, I'm not blaming on some of my friends for speaking English only, and forgetting their mother tongue. Never. Because I know how they feel as well. We are on the same boat. But perhaps I'm on another side of the boat. You know it.

So sometimes I wonder what our real identity is. Are we still Indonesians? Okay exception to those who are Singapore PRs. Or have we transformed into Singaporeans? I think I would just stick to my friend's description.

I am a very Singaporean foreigner.

In life

This situation we never escaped from
Where we got trapped to a void beyond
Our wildest imagination, our wildest dream
A suffering within, that no one feels

The places I would love to see

If only life were as beautiful

As the fjords of Norway

Or snowy fields of Alaska

I would live each and every day

With zest and hopefulness

If only life were as relaxing

As a stroll in the streets of Italy

Or a walk in the beach of Phuket

I would be blessed and happy

And live my life without regret

If only life were as free

As running on the grassy field in Switzerland

Or a swim in the great Pacific Ocean

There would never be any day

I would live in sadness

If only life were as vibrant

As walking on the streets of France

Or Japan's summer festival dance

Life would never be dull, never be colourless

For its colours would come alive

If only life were as tranquil

As the sunset in Kuta, Bali

Or a walk in Russia's green fields

Life would be a blissful place to live

Where I will always get a sense of peace

If only life were as amazing

As the places I would love to see

I would always live each day of my life

As the most beautiful day of my life

Selfish?

Maybe I've changed.

Maybe I've not

I may be someone else now

Not the old me anymore

Maybe I just evolved

With "me" still within me

Why? And how?

I am confused, baffled

Is it wrong?

Is it normal

Am I thinking too much?

Or it's the truth that's true.

Maybe I've changed

Maybe they have changed

I am not them,

They are not me

What else could I be?

I am me, am I?

The future

Life is like a chess game. If you are worried of your next move, then the game will not move on.

I thought of this today after I had a wonderful talk with one of my lecturer and some of my classmates. We were talking about careers. The future, the opportunities, the options and more. It was really interesting. Sometimes it makes me wonder that oh, there are more options in the future that I can have.

Do I really have that much options?

And come to think of it, when I finish my education in poly, where will I go? University? Or will I go to work? Or will I go back to my hometown?

No one knows the answer, not even me. I don't know what will happen, what may happen and how. All I know is that ultimately, I am trying to do something I passionately love. Be it music, science, cooking, photography.

Something is missing isn't it?

Sometimes I wonder what will happen in the future. What will I do, and will I enjoy it. Come to think of it, my journey that leads myself to where I am now is quite amazing. I am a Biomed student now. All I ever thought was going to JC after secondary school. And there goes DPA, and here I am taking a diploma in Biomedical Science.

Life can be unpredictable sometimes. It may be useless to predict or hope of what's going to happen. I didn't expect myself to land in poly. It feels weird. But no, I will not regret my choice. This is a decision that I made myself. And I knew in my heart that this is what I want. Even though there are times where I simply ponder, why did I go to DBS?

Why didn't I go to DMAT for example. I love music and that's the course for me. Or perhaps I should go to food science. Because I love cooking. And so why did I choose DBS? Because not only I love science, I aspire one day to be a doctor that saves lives. If not, I want to be a researcher that can find the cures to many diseases. Cancer is one of them.

Life is a mysterious thing. But it is its mysteriousness that makes it such an amazing thing. We always wonder, we always ponder to why this and that happen. But sometimes they are just simply unexplainable, simply left with no answers. And all that we can do, is to simply move on in life.

The journey with so many bumps, the journey with so many turns. It's a never ending stretch of road that are filled with amazing views, and visited occasionally with storms. So, there are times we enjoy, and times we abhor. But what's great about the journey?

Its unpredictability.

18

It's been 18 years since I write

A book I called life.

Filled with my wrongs and rights

I carried on as new chapters arrive

It's been 18 years since I sing

A song I called life

The smile, the tears and the anger

That made my repertoire a beautiful piece

It's been 18 years since I dance

A dance I called life

The waltz, the salsa and the jive

That never fail to spice up my journey

It's been 18 years since I travel

In a journey I called life

The challenges, the joy, the pain I have raveled

Made this journey all worthwhile

It's been 18 years since I play

In a game I called life

Its ups and downs, twists and turns

Never fail to make me grown stronger

18 years have passed, lots more to come

The lessons I have learnt

The problems I have overcome

Shall be carried together with me

To continue this lovely mix of wonderful things

We called life

Happy Birthday to me :)