No I'm not talking about Gotye's song, cause this certain kind of sadness is not something I would want to get addicted to. I'm just talking about this certain kind of sadness I've been feeling for the past two weeks or so? Basically since the year has started. Perhaps the reason why I couldn't sleep every night is because of all these thoughts, running discreetly in my mind. Of course I may not be thinking of these physically. But somewhere at the back of my heart, of my mind, they are running wildly.
I've always told myself not to think about it. As you may know, I'm kind of a positive person. Instead of thinking the negative things, I always try my best not to. I will just think of the positive things ahead, or the difficult one - of the positive things of these negative things. Because as we all know nothing is perfectly beautiful nor perfectly ugly. So everything, has a beauty on it.
The future, is this one thing I try not to think about too. Because I believe in the Buddhist teaching of living the moment, the present, earnestly. Of course I would anticipate the future. I'll plan ahead, of what I want to do. But I try not to be bothered by it. By the challenges that may come, the things I wish would never happen but definitely will. I think we all do though, it's like, we can't escape from it fully. No matter what, we'll be reminded of it.
I know, time is time, the future will come, no matter how much you don't want it to. Tomorrow will come, even if you wish today would last forever. Sometimes, you wish tomorrow will come because today was so horrible. And once again I always believe in the Buddhist teaching of Anicca - the contemplation of impermanence. That nothing is permanent, and all things will rise and go away, lost in the abyss of time. And even time, is impermanent too.
It feels horrible, to somehow have this huge burden above your shoulder. Day by day, it seems like this burden is increasing and increasing. It truly feels like the world is on my back, and all my heart wishes is to have the world leaving me. That's why these days, I just wish to be alone. Every night I don't feel like doing anything (which is bad cause I have work to do). Every night I just wish to escape into this shell of mine and just be myself. To forget the world and its content.
I wish I can just let go of everything. I want to be myself once again. I just want to be with me. Yet there are always things that would remind me of the bitter things. It feels really tough, really. Conversation about that, and yet, there's always this tendency that they want me to leave quickly. I know he can't wait for me to return. But I don't. Can I just have more time? For one last time? Please? I'm already returning. And I wish for more time. Is it hard to ask for?
It's just so painful. Sometimes we just wish, to be understood. Sometimes I tell myself, I think it's enough to understand people. Why can't people understand me? It was so painful when he told me "yeah for the last time" on New Year's Eve. My heart wrenched deeply. It's so pain. I suppose it feels nothing for him. But to me, it really means a lot. Like seriously a lot.
I've thought of talking everything out with him, yet deeply I know he will disagree, and he will give lots of reasons. And sometimes I know it's useless, though a part of me wishes that it will be okay. Just talk things out, just let it be. But sigh, at some point of time, I just somehow know it will turn into a useless discussion. An empty one that goes pointless.
Sometimes I just want to ask the world. Isn't this sacrifice enough? Haven't I done enough? Then how come I don't deserve this? In another part, I tell myself, maybe I'm too selfish. But when I weigh this sacrifice, and the wish I'm asking for, my sacrifice is way heavier. Don't you think so too? Right?
I don't know what to do.
But I need to stop this kind of sadness.
Because bright days are ahead of me.
