Right, so it's been a really really long time since I wrote here... Well yup you've missed out a lot! I guess. It's the 18th of December and yeah, my internship has ended and so thus my big project. I'm really glad that it's all over now. In fact as you know it, back then I've been wanting for all of these to end. And well it has all now come to an end so yup. Time to rejoice, time to just have fun.
Whatever happened, happened. And I've decided to leave all grudges about these bitter moments. Moreover, all these days have turned into memories. And memories are things that will never return. And thus bad, good bitter sweet memories, all gone and will no longer return. So yes, let's not bear whatever grudges anymore shall we.
Anyway... Today I want to rant! Really unlike of me to rant in my blog. Okay maybe I shouldn't really call it ranting. How about to put it this way - Sharing my views.
As you all know I'm back in my hometown now after this like 7 months of _____. Well I really love to have, a break. A holiday. A period of time where I can just do whatever I want, rest, go somewhere and have fun. Perhaps I'm just being "brainwashed" by the dreamy reality of the delusional views of reality. The "stereotype" events where after school = holidays = fun and yay! Go all out and be crazy.
As I once said, we are all selfish in one way or another. There is no way we can deny that. Like I literally mean, no way. No one is truly, fully, not-selfish. I'm pretty sure at one point of time in your life, there were acts where you are selfish with the second party. Sometimes we're selfish, for our own goodsake. But most of the time I suppose - it's the other way round.
And with the Buddhist teaching of Anatta - or non-self. I always believe that we're truly free, not when we're free from the chains of external things. But we're only free when we're able to free ourselves, from ourselves. Sounds hard to understand? Well basically, we're only free, when we let go of ourselves. When there's no longer I in me. And...
I guess it's rather impossible to do so.
I suppose we are only truly free - when we die. When we let go of everything in this merry-go-round we called life. Once we let go of life, we let go of everything, we let go of us. And I'm sure no one wants to die early just to free yourself right? Not worth it. There are times we have to live and of course only when the time is right, when we reached the end point to life, we'll e able to then "die" and fully free ourselves. No I am not being suicidal here.
I'm always torn between two paths I suppose. The path where I wish people would understand me. And another where I somehow tell myself - no you should understand people. This is where the distinction of stubborn people, nice people, Mr Nice Guy and Mr not-so-nice guy and everything else, appear. The path, where do you walk more on? That's where you stand and you know where you're going. And what kind of people are you.
Everytime I go back, I have a wish. To have a holiday. Well of course I do. I'm having a holiday where I don't have to go to school, to go to work, to do my project. But I guess there's a missing part in which I want to do the things I want to do. Plan out things which I wanna do and ACTUALLY carry them out. I would really love to just spend my days lazying around at home doing nothing, doing what I want to do. Basically doing something I wasn't able to do in the past couple of long long months. As and when I wish. Without walking the "no you should understand others" path. You know.
I realise on the other hand too, that I've been a middleman all of my life. Torn between two parties, but I know I don't want to side any. I guess this is what making me an indecisive guy. And also someone who's not walking on neither paths mentioned above.But well what's worst than choosing the path you want to walk, is to walk the path you don't have any intention of walking on.
Well. I... Still don't know what to do. Couple of years I've been feeling this and somehow I feel I have no one to talk to but you (awww...) so yeah. Thanks for listening! Felt good after this rant. All I can do now is to well, wish that my remaining days here would get brighter and brighter! And I know they will. Because happiness comes from within!
